Grown Kids Problem...TG Tomorrow...

keikoasmomNovember 26, 2008

Oh, dear, I was so happy, DD is having dinner, and so I have been baking up a storm out of gratitude. But I forgot her oldest brother....she has tried to be the peace maker (I used to do that!) and I'm afraid she is inviting him.

Last Feb., when DD and her hubby moved back from CA, they rented a house too big for them and their 3 kids. Our oldest son 39, and our youngest, 24, both wanted to rent her walk-out basement.They both came over, but the oldest arrived first and I tried to stay out of it, actually, I didn't think she would take either in, but especially the older one who has never respected her and has OC issues and could afford his own place if he didn't spend all of his cash on his race car! So, I stayed out of it, but he proceeded to just bash the youngest, and I finally thought it was unfair to talk about him without his being there. I opened my mouth to say that, and older son leaned way across the counter, in my face and yelled as loud as he could into my face. I don't remember what he said. It was rude and terrible, and I told DD later that if I had been alone, the anger and rage in him would have scared me. I told him to leave. My SonIL, in the front room, grabbed his baby and went outside, not knowing what to do. My DH was outside in the back, and didn't hear it.

So DD has been in touch with him. He refused counselling that she offered to pay for. He says I beat him as a child. I DID spank my boys. They were very unruly, I came from a family of 4 girls, but, guess what? I got spanked! And I apologized to my mother, and I love her to this day! I deserved the spankings I got! So did he! His younger brother learned from his mistakes and didn't get spanked as much, the older boy insisted on doing what we told him not to do. Starting fires, fights, stealing, running away. He outgrew all of that, we thought, but his ex-wife told us that we were abusive and encouraged him to be a victim. On the other hand, she loved it when I baby sat! Lol!

Well, our son also called and left a terrible message that he never wanted to see us again, that I was the worst grandmother in the world, and never try to contact him or his daughter again. I sent presents to her through her mother....ironic, huh?

So now what do I do, I think DD wants to invite him? There has been no apology, and I think his behavior shows a lack or respect and DD is showing a lack of concern for my feelings, which, I have to say, are still hurt.

I could go on and on with what we went through with this kid, including stealing from us and his employers, things he and his friends did as young men but there's no point. I was willing to forget all of that and hope for the best, and enjoy my granddaughter....until last February.Do I just refuse to go to TG if he is there?

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lost1of3

keikoasmom - First off - what does your gut tell you?

If you want to go - then go and let him be the uncomfortable one. I know that in my situation I tried to avoid situations that might involve my son (who has not talked to me in 2 years). Then one day I realized that I was missing out on family time that I was entitled to. So I go and if he doesn't want to deal with me - then he doesn't come. He stopped coming - but that is on him not me.

If you don't want to go - call up your daughter and tell her why. Like living without him is hard but you are trying to move on - seeing him and having to pretend that nothing is wrong would be too stressful for you right now. Or whatever the truth is for you.

Trust yourself (that you know what you can handle and what you can't)

    Bookmark   November 26, 2008 at 4:55PM
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jessyf

I am so sorry to hear your story.

I'll make my opinion short since time is of the essense here and you need to make a decision....

It sounds like your son has some mental illness symptoms. So don't take it personally. Yelling at someone full in the face is NOT OK. After sweeby checks in, she'll have a better explanation.

I would ask your DD if he is coming. If he is, you get to decide if you are comfortable going. If yes, then better be prepared to exit when and if he acts out. Find out where there are restaurants open nearby so you and DH can at least get something to eat. Make sure DH is on board with you and does not leave your side. When the drama begins, simple stand up and say, with a smile, 'thanks, but we are leaving now'.

Be polite and keep your mouth shut. Don't engage or let yourself get baited into something (it took me a long time to learn that skill).

I advise you to get into counseling to learn more about his behavior and how to handle it. You might even learn something about yourself?

BEST wishes and good luck!

    Bookmark   November 26, 2008 at 7:43PM
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sweeby

Can't do any better than that, Jessy! (Thanks for the vote of confidence, though.)

So what happened?

    Bookmark   November 28, 2008 at 7:14PM
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