Widowed Parent Has Started Dating.....

samslabchowNovember 29, 2002

Does anyone know of any sites on this subject? One of my best friends is going through this right now, & not handling it very well. Her father died not quite a year ago, & her Mom has started seeing someone. She knows it's good for her Mom, & my friend really likes the guy, but she's very torn about her feelings relating to her Dad, but doesn't want to hurt her Mom in any way. All I can do is listen, but I thought if she can connect with other people who are going through the same thing, it would be really beneficial to her. Her & her Mom are best friends & I would hate to see that change.

Thanks Much,

Sam

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aileen

I don't know of any sites, but you can do one thing for your friend. Convince her that this is NOT about the relationship her mother had with her father..

This is NOT about her mother replacing her husband. It is about her mother finding a new friend. Would she have mixed emotions if her mother had a new female friend? Of course not.

This man in not going to be a "new father figure" He is merely going to be a companion for her mother. He may fill a chair at the dinner table, be her escort, and yes, even sleep with her. But this is part of friendship between adults. It is NOT about the relationship she had with the father. It is a different relationship entirely. It does not diminish that former love. It does not replace it. It does not show any lack of respect for the memory.

It is an addition to that former life. Not a replacement.
See if you can get your friend to accept that viewpoint.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2002 at 2:53PM
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sheilajoyce_gw

Read about a study of widows and widowers who remarry. Those who had the most successful, happiest first marriages remarried most frequently. Wish her well. The greatest gift we can give anyone at that age is happiness and companionship.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2002 at 3:56PM
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Carlotta_Bull

I contact your local funeral home & see if they have any information about this subject. This is a part of grief support & they may have something that will help your friend work through this.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2002 at 10:58AM
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amygdala

Grief and any one person's grieving processes take as long as they take. That is, getting to where a person can kind of manage their present and their future is a kind of healing triumph.

If the daughter is having trouble, or feeling like she is 'stuck' where doesn't want to be, then it may be a good idea to talk to a counselor. She can work out (with or without a counselor) what her goal is, and how she can get to where she can be supportive of her mother.

Try checking out the different grief support groups or grief information sites. The problem of group support in terms of grieving or in terms of how to heal is that they tend to have different goals-- so it's important for her to know what she wants for herself and for her mother before getting too involved. That's also why it may be better to begin with individual counseling. Not everyone sees the goal in this kind of situation as being supportive of the future and future relationships, and being able to feel good again.

she can ask her doctor, or people she knows about whether they could recommend someone (or you, basically she doesn't have to just let her fingers do the walking) because if she needs good feedback and has a tumultuous emotional situation to sort out, a counselor is a good place to start

P.S. If she's an adolescent, or child then she should specifically find someone who is a specialist with those groups. Also these people are in a better place to know about appropriate support groups.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2002 at 7:29PM
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ponderinstuff

Just a thought. My family had to deal with this and it is scary as a kid/teen/whatever thinking you might get replaced with a new love. I remember one of my sisters saying to me "I felt like I didn't only loose a dad, but I lost my mom too", when she remarried. Of course, that isn't what happened, but it is how she felt. Perhaps there is a little insecurity too, if she and mom are best friends.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2002 at 10:13PM
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