Adult dtr living at home with a baby

Volgirl65November 20, 2012

My dtr had moved out of the house then moved back after telling me she was pregnant last yr. She had a beautiful boy in April and they are still at home. She works full time but never saves a dime. I have told her she needed to be out by the end of this yr. She always ignores me when I try to talk about that. The biggest problem I have is that she refuses to keep her room clean or pick up her messes in the house. I am getting ready to sell the house and told her she needs to go before it goes on the market. She is going to have to move in with her dad by the end of the yr so really what's the difference in moving now vs in a month? I tried to talk to her again and she is just disrespectful. So yesterday I told her to get the room clean before work this morning or find a place to live tonight. She spouted off that I am throwing her and my grandbaby out on the streets and she will make sure I never see my grandbaby again if I do that.

I know she was mad and didn't really mean it, but I don't know what to do next. She is 22, not paying rent, not cleaning up after herself or the baby, doesn't offer to do any chores, and when I ask for help she always has something else to do instead. I can't possibly put this house up for sale with her living here. And I am not trying to throw her out on the streets. Her dad has room for her and said she could move in there temporarily.

She has really hurt me this time. What to do? Am I making this out to be a bigger deal than it should be? I am thinking she needs to go even though I will hate to see her leave.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No--I doubt you actually see how big a deal it is.

A 22 year old who is resorting to emotional blackmail now, will only get worse and worse, more demanding over the years.

My SIL was the same way with her parents--anything she wanted, she threatened to keep them away from their grandkids. They caved every time. I have no idea how many thousands and thousands of $$$ they lent (read 'gave' because the money was never paid back) her over the years. Cars, appliances, dr's bills, overdue household bills--they paid them all--and mind you, SIL's husband made a 3 figure salary and they lived in a small house in the cheapest area of town (WHERE was SIL's money going one might ask). Eventually, when she stressed her dad into an early grave, and got control of her mother's finances, she stole over a quarter of a million $$$ from the money left for MIL's end care--she had alzheimers at that point.

We ended up spending over $20,000 of our own money for legal fees, forensic accountant's fees to get the courts to appoint a guardian to take over MIL's finances.

Look, your daughter has all the earmarks my SIL was showing at that age. PLEASE stick to your guns. I'd recommend that it wouldn't hurt to sit down with a lawyer in the next week or two. Most reputable ones will offer a free initial consultation. I'm NOT suggesting you start legal action against your daughter, but you DO need to know what your rights are in this situation, what you'll have to do to get her out if she refuses to go, how long it will take, what are the legal rights of grandparents in your state, etc. Information is ALWAYS the best way to go. Arm yourself with it now, so you know what you have to do, and if you may need a lawyer down the road. Trust me on this--it's far better to ask question and get the answers BEFORE you need them, than to let a situation progress until it's in the critical stage--that can cost a LOT in both money and emotional stress.

I wish you the best--sounds as if you've got a tough road ahead.

Oh, and while you're about it, start keeping a journal about what your daughter is doing/not doing around the house and as a mother. Documentation may save you down the road.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2012 at 4:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"She works full time but never saves a dime. I have told her she needed to be out by the end of this yr. She always ignores me when I try to talk about that. The biggest problem I have is that she refuses to keep her room clean or pick up her messes in the house. I am getting ready to sell the house and told her she needs to go before it goes on the market."

It is good that she has her father to stay with. You have a house to sell. Don't let her screw that up.

Your daughter is taking advantage of you and knows it. The fact that she is working full time, using YOUR house, YOUR utilities, etc and not giving you a PENNY while she subjects you to such blatant disrespect would have me rectify this in a new-york-minute.

If this were me I'd call her father to let him know she will be coming to stay with him that night and have the locks changed while she is out. Don't tell her father or he will warn her. Let her find out the hard way when she calls you to say she can't get in. You can drop off the rest of her belongings later.

Explain calmly that you have fulfilled your parental obligation. You raised her to adulthood and now she is repaying your kindness with nothing positive and that you don't have to put up with it. Her father can. See how long that 'she can stay here temporarily' goes in his house. I'll bet not very long with her attitude.

Let her find out how kind you actually were by allowing her to live in your home scott free while treating you like a doormat.

If she is willing to change then say she needs to prove it and not just for a few days. Pay her father rent, show that she can keep her room at his house clean for at least 6 months before you will even consider letting her move back in. Have her put it in writing.

This is the age when she needs to know that she isn't that special. There are a million+ unwed mothers out there NOT calling the shots to those who ARE being responsible and carrying their share of the load.

Tough love has to start somewhere. Give her the chance to change elsewhere without turning your future upside down as well.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2012 at 5:34PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Abusive Adult Children
I dont know how much more I can take. I have a 30 yo...
College Tuition Demand Upheld in Court
Surprised I hadn't seen anyone post about this yet,...
estrangement from adult children
There seems to be a very common thread with all these...
Need iOS app for my kids.
I bought an iPad for my kids. Please guys suggest me...
Teacher won't answer my question
This is pretty straightforward. My daughters' teacher...
Sponsored Products
Safavieh Poolside Green/Beige Indoor Outdoor Runner Rug (2'4" x 6'7")
Damask Shadow Giclee Shade 12x12x8.5 (Spider)
$59.99 | Lamps Plus
New Hand Knotted 10' Heriz Serapi Veg Dyed Rust & Navy Oriental Wool Rug H3656
BH Sun Inc
Ivory Flokati Wool Rug
Cost Plus World Market
Nanimarquina | Collage Rug
Ruby Black Floral Border Rectangle: 5 Ft. 3 In. x 8 Ft. Rug
$389.70 | Bellacor
Full Dust Skirt
$210.00 | Horchow
Home Decorators Runner Rug: Appollo Brown 2' 6" x 10'
Home Depot
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™