daughter has a friend with learning dissability

tracystokeOctober 12, 2011

There is quite a few kids on our street,who often come to play with my kids in my garden.There is one girl who has a learning dissability.I have forgot the name for it. It Is something to do with memory,and she has the brain age of a 5 year old.She is 8.She has been diagnosed with this,so Im not just guessing.Her mother befriended me about 4 months ago ,which got this girl coming to play.She is ok when there is just her and one other child playing with her,but when there is more than one she is absolutly terrible,bites ,punches ,kicks.Just totally out of control.Now my problem Is,there is always a few children in my garden, so this girl doesnt play nice,her mother as fell out with most of the parents on the street,and because she has befriended me, she thinks I should let her daughter play with my kids by herself and tell the other kids they cant play on some days,but Ive noticed her behaviour rubbing off on my kids and wonder how I should handle the situation.I dont want to be cruel to this girl,but Im sick of it.

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popi_gw

Gee, being a parent throws some challenges...well...a lot of the time, actually. It constantly amazes me how "clever" we have to be to guide our children through the minefield of growing up.

I think your solution depends on what "you" want to do about the girl. If you are happy to have the girl to play one on one with your child a few times a week, then that is wonderful. Does your child want to have this happen ?

How do you feel about the mother ? Are you good friends with her, do you want to assist with her daughter ?

Of coarse you don't want a child who is anti social in the group, making it miserable for the others. But is the child capable of learning how to behave so she does not upset others ?

Perhaps you could look upon this as a lesson for your child to become aware that other people do not always act the way we expect and talk about what she can do to deal with this.

I think it is fine to be completely honest with the mother of the disabled child. Tell her your feelings, but if her friendship is important to you, then you will have to tread carefully there.

Children can be wonderful sometimes accommodating the "odd" child, but a lot of times they can just exclude the child.

My daughter befriended the "odd" child at school, this child was bullied and my daughter was her friend. The other girls were brutal and excluded my daughter as well. This was a tough time for my daughter. In the end the "odd" girl ended up excluded, and my daughter was befriended by the others again. It is brutal out there !

I hope my ramblings are of some help to you, Tracey.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 6:54PM
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tracystoke

Thanks popi,your dead right, It is brutal out there.My kids are only 5 and 3 ,so dont really understand her behaviour ,to everybody else she is just a naughty, nasty girl,beleive me she is very clever and sometimes I Honestly beleive she knows what she is doing,like I have been listening ,when she doesnt know I Am ,and she will be wispering to my kids to do naughty things,like draw on the walls,tip water over the floors,ect,If she didnt know what she was doing why wisper?Or If she has lied ,and another child as got in trouble she does a crafty smirk,I used to feel sorry for her, but just lately its hard to ,when you see the things she does,She was only diagnosed with it about a month ago,wrongly I suspect,but her mother has talked about it soo much in front of her ,its like shes playing on it.As for the friendship with her mother,she befriended me,I Never wanted it,I Guess I Made her too welcome,She is not my cup of tea ,suffers with depression,and I Cant bear to be around a depressed person all the time,Its draining.My daughter will play with her without other friends, but It can never be one to one because My son is there and he plays too, so Its just a matter of time untill one of mine gets bit, or punched.On Sunday, mother texts to say "can daughter play with mine on her own",I said yes ,but resented her for putting me In that position,anyways all was okish,I went to tesco,left them all with my partner,partner let other kids play whilst I was out,so again there was trouble.Then the next day ,My eldest daughter, who has this mother as a friend on facebook, showed me her statuses.They were all about me.Its made me pretty fuming.I guess after reading this back I have answered my own question.I dont think Im the person to deal with these people,thanks for letting me rammble on.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2011 at 4:41AM
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asolo

People -- and children -- with disabilities still have to behave appropriately. If they don't, won't, or can't they should expect to be ostracized a little or a lot. Empathy and altruism are admirable traits. However, I wouldn't put my own children at risk in the pursuit. IMHO you've described a situation unworthy of tolerance. Eight-year-olds playing with five and three-year-olds can be troublesome enough. If the eight-year-old is, indeed, as you've described, I wouldn't allow it.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2011 at 1:23PM
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tracystoke

Thanks asolo.I Feel less guilty now.I felt guilty because I Was thinking how I would feel If one of my children were like this, and ended up with no friends,because this is whats happening to this girl.Today I Have fell out with her mother because her daughter has come to play,and the mother had the nerve to txt and say if anyone else comes to play with my two ,do not send her home because her daughter was upset last time.There was NO last time,When other kids are there she cant handle it, and runs to parents to say I have sent her home.She constantly attention seeks and lies.To be honest falling out with her mother is a blessing in desguise,although I do wonder how long It will last, because the girl has nobody now,and mother wont be able to cope with her in the house,anyways Thanks again

    Bookmark   October 13, 2011 at 2:51PM
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popi_gw

Its no wonder this child is acting the way she is. When her mother talks about what is wrong with her child, in front of her, well the child will obviously pick that up and act in that way.

That is another thing that I have observed that a lot of parents do. They put labels on their children and bingo, the child becomes what he has heard.

You have observed this child acting in a sneaky way, you were not happy with that, so it is certainly not a happy playing situation for anyone.

Also, for yourself. Have clear boundaries, don't let people talk you into situations that you are not happy with.

I would gently bow out from this relationship. Just say "NO" a few times and she will get the message.

The child is probably just behaving badly, and the disability has nothing to do with it...by the sounds of things.

Your postings are tricky to read, because of their lack of punctuation, and you put capitals in places that are not required.

    Bookmark   October 13, 2011 at 11:18PM
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tracystoke

I agree,put a label on the child and the child will act that way.you say "say no and they will get the message "she doesnt though,this girl has been banned from most of the street,yet still knocks on their doors.Her mother banned her from here yesterday and I saw her sitting outside the front of my house,that was hard and pulled at my heart strings.I also beleive that she is misbehaving and it has nothing to do with her disability,when she knocks on later,im sure she will .Im gonna say no.As for the punctuation,im not gonna apoligize ,you should no by now Im rubbish at it, and its unimportant to me.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2011 at 4:57AM
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popi_gw

Well how about you say to her "you can come in to play, if you don't bit/hit/yell/......if you do those things then you will have to go home"

Perhaps if you start out with the attitude that you will control the behavior in your house, set the ground rules, it might all bumble along happily.

Exclusion usually works, in my experience.

Does the poor child know why she was banned ? She really is getting mixed messages from people.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2011 at 10:42PM
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tracystoke

Of course she knows why she is banned.Thats why they all play in my garden ,because the parents wont have them around theirs,they have all had enough,I have set rules,as soon as Ive told her off she runs home to tell her parents,Its not a problem anymore,after her mothers attatude the other day, I am not willing to assist in her daughters problems anymore,like asolo said my kids are too young anyway to be playing with her.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2011 at 4:01AM
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