About that divorce...
I had an absolutely dreadful first marriage. But out of that came two wonderful children and they are now grown up and out on their own (24 and 22). I raised them and their Dad spent time with them on holidays and during the summers. They were 4 and 6 when we split up.
The issues in the divorce would have been way over their heads back then. I tried very, very hard not to bad mouth their Dad to them as they grew up. He hurt me very badly for 16 years during the marriage and for a lot more later (every chance he got) but he was still their Dad and I knew it would come back to haunt me if I let that whole mess creep in. Now and then I would ask them if they had questions about the whole situation and they always gave me that "Uh, NO MOM!" reaction. So I figured they really didn't want to go there. As a result they don't know much about how and why it happened.
Now my son who is 24 has not been in touch for a bunch of weeks. He was always good about calling at least once a week even when he was in really out of the way places. I kept trying to reach him and he finally emailed me to say that he had talked with his Dad about the divorce and was trying to make sense of our "family history" and he would like to hear "my side" but to write him a letter because he didn't want to talk about it on the phone with me. Ouch.
I've spent the last week trying to write the perfect letter. And I have. But now I'm afraid to send it to him. I think it is as fair and kind as possible but it is true - and that simply can't be a fairy tale. It was a horrendous marriage and I was the one to file for divorce. I can't explain that without touching on some things that are just not pleasant. I do think I've managed to do it without any gratuitous meanness. I left out the really nasty, dreadful details. I'm truly not after trying to trash his Dad. What purpose would that serve?
But I'm so afraid that it will be such a shock - so unpleasant - that my son will turn on me on account of it.
So what do I do? I read the letter to an aunt of mine (more like a sister) who knows the situation and all involved and she thought it was perfect. But I still hesitate. If I ruin my relationship with my boy it will break my heart. There is so much at stake here. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even want to come between him and his Dad.
It worries me that he "talked with Dad" about the divorce and he wants me to write a letter rather than talk about it. There is simply no telling what his Dad may have told him. I don't trust his Dad to be truthful at all. I feel I must take the opportunity to set the record straight but if I send the letter will that do it or just cause hard feelings?
Help! I gotta do something pretty quick. And the more I think about it, the less I know what to do.