what am i to do (very long)

hoakie2601October 3, 2008

I am a grandparent by marriage to 2 children that we have custody of. My life has been a wreck lately. I am a young grandparent to these kids (more like a mom) We have a boy and a girl.

My grandson has his moments and he is not hard to deal with right now.

My grand daughter on the other hand is so hard. She is 10 years old. I just dont know what to do. This is going to be very long but if someone out there can read this lengthy blog and give me advise I would be greatful!

Things go from good to bad with her all the time. Her theropist says she is a child with many issues and will be in counceling most of her childhood.

2 weeks ago we went shopping and she talked her grandfather into purchasing her a 90.00 halloween costume. This is something that we really could not afford. He told her to ask me but it was OK with him. (by the way she looks like a hooker in it, but he did not pay close attention to the costume before it was bought). He told her that it was OK with him but to ask me. This put me on the spot since I am always the bad guy in the house. They stay with me all the time and only get to see him about 5 hours during the week, since he works quite a bit. I am sick of being the bad guy so I told her that I did not think it was a good idea but if grandpa said ok it was up to them. So she got it. I told her that she would not be getting anything for awhile if she got this. She got it. The next day she told me that she needed to get her hair highlighted. And I told her NO her highlights where setting in the room in the form of a costume. She got very upset with me and told me that I should have told her this before she bought the costume. I told her that I did I told her she would not be getting anything for awhile. She got very upset with me over this. I also told her that the costume was non returnable so she needed to make sure this is what she wanted.

The same day she told me about her hair. We where on the way to school and she forgot her patrol belt. I asked her 3 times before we left the house if she had everything. She kept saying yes. She demanded that I go back home to get the belt. I told her no that she would have to go without it that day. She was so mad at me that she would not talk to me and about broke that glass in the car slamming the car door. That was a Monday.

Than came Thursday night. She came home from cheerleading and told me that some of her friends where making fun of her over something sexual. That is another long story! I called the coach and had words with her regarding this and not wanting to have her picked on like this. The following day at practice when she was taken into a meeting with the girls that where doing the talking she changed her story. I heard the coach fussing at her and went in to defend her only to be told that what she told me the night before was not the truth. I was so hurt by this and felt like I had pie on my face over it. That it made me cry (the rough week had soemthing to do with it also) When she saw me later I took off my glasses and asked her if she saw something different about me. She said no and I told her that I had been crying because she really upset me over this. She turned and walked away from me. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that I was making her mad of course that upset me and I said I am making you mad? Than she said I was making her sad.

We had a family meeting about not telling the truth. Than Yesterday was her brothers birthday. She has to be the center of attention. So the school called me and told me that she has done something at school and now she could not walk and I needed to pick her up. I went to the school and had to carry a 75lb kid to the car by myself and when we got home. He grandfather came home to take her to the hospital. She claimed all along that she could not walk and she felt a pop in her leg. So after setting in emerg for a couple hours they came into the room and said they needed another xray. She was not thinking and got up and walked out of the room. Come to find out it was a charlie horse or a pulled muscle. They put her on crutches for a few days! Last night when she got home she was walking all over the house and this morning she was also. When I told her to get her book bag for school she grabbed the crutches I told her that she was fine and she did not need them. She got so upset with me and stormed out to school. Not talking to me again. When she got home from school the attitude continued. Back talking me and if I said something she would put words into my mouth .

I am so tired of all this and do not know what to do. I guess maybe I needed someplace to vent. But this is making for a very stressful life. Im not sleeping and having a hard time with all this. If anyone has advise I would love to hear it.

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she's 10 years old....nix on the $90 hooker Halloween costunes and the frosted hair.
If she lies, slams doors and acts like a 2 year old she should be treated like a 2 year old.
For every behavior there are consequences....so far it seems her only consequences to a tantrum are getting what she wants.
Linda C

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 12:22AM
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She sounds like my mother, who had narcissistic personality disorder;
there's no such thing as a "normal relationship" with someone like this.

You *have* to protect yourself because, to a narcissist, you, & everybody else in the universe, are just scenery to be chewed in the never-ending melodrama that is her life.

Assuming that my impression is accurate:

First thing you gotta do is get your hubs where he belongs-
by your side, presenting a united front.
Neither one of you should have any substantive conversations with her unless the other one is present.

Second thing is to stop trying to solve everybody's problems & disengage-
if she manipulates her grandfather into paying for a $90 hooker costume, her grandfather needs to be the one who tells her "no dice" & returns the costume.

Third thing is to stop handing over control to get her to stop throwing tantrums/making scenes;
no more returning home to get whatever she forgot, & keep a glass of water to dash in her face if she gets "hysterical".

Fourth thing is to suspect everything she tells you;
she's getting a lot of satisfaction from dramatic scenes at school, in the emergency room, etc.

You might talk to her therapist about how to control the chaos, but don't count on ever being able to let your guard down.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 4:54PM
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