adult children estrangment

mumnconnie1September 7, 2007

Perhaps "estranged" is the wrong word. I see my son and DIL on holidays or when I invite myself over to their home (once or twice a year during the summer)in the guise of planting a garden or helping with a project. However, my son NEVER phones to say "hi Mom, How ya doin? NEVER The one time I asked him about this he assured me he loved me and said he would try to call. He never did. He seems so wrapped up in his own life. I have been extremely careful not to be intrusive in any way and shower my DIL with positive regard when in her presence or with an occasional card or gift. Nothing works.

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sniffles07

Sounds like you definitely are NOT wearing out your welcome. Do they have children? If so, are you getting to see those children? Are they visiting her parents?

    Bookmark   September 8, 2007 at 1:36PM
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mary1helen2

Ya know....you just can't understand everything in life I guess.
My oldest is not mad at me, nor I her, but she never calls unless she has to....get togethers at holidays, etc. I have been on two trips to Europe with her and my youngest daughter, yet when we returned, she never called again. It's like she went with a stranger and needed no further contact. I used to make an effort to have some friendly contact, but now just don't.
My son, who lives in another state, calls every weekend or I call him; it is a little ritual and we both enjoy it. Two other daughters keep in pretty close contact.
I think it is just personality more than anything. The oldest is a lot like her father,(she would be boiling mad to hear that)....he was distant too. So, I just let it roll off my back like water off a duck's, and go on my way.
Can't let these things ruin the rest of YOUR life, because we are important too.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 2:12PM
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beanotfuddled

It is scary to me to not have contact...i just don't understand it.I'm beginning to wonder, though, if there are many, many of these situations, and that perhaps, because Iwas an only child, my daughter is an only, and I am alone, that her estrangement affects me more ?
Does anyone else think about this?
Love to all,
Bea

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 12:53PM
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mary1helen2

Bea,
I posted just above you the other day. I am an only child too and I know how you feel in lots of ways. Even though I have four children the youngest and I were very close and lived together for a long time. When she bought a house and moved out it was very hard, almost like she had been an only because she was the baby and stayed around long after the others left home. My original post was about my eldest daughter.
I have very close contact with the "baby", but am not dependent on her for anything, just more anxious to know if she is ok. Am trying to get over that a little, and not become a pain in the neck. My mom really smothered me and I don't want to do that too, but it is hard not to I am finding out. I am understanding my Mother more and feeling much more sympathetic to her and her worries about me. Guess we live and learn.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2007 at 1:16PM
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beanotfuddled

mary helen,
I am sorry. I think I was so excited to find a board like this, I read thru everything too quickly !
My mom smothered me too, and spoiled me to death,,,but not for me,but for her needs.Actually I was somewhat of a toy in my family !Both parents, were orphans, and had no idea how to parent. They were married 14 years before I came along. My mother became ill, right after my birth. I was sent to live with virtual strangers..my father's then boss and his wife. They had no children, and all they did was smoke and drink...I was so alone most of my growing up years.I saw my parents infrequently, and was always asking when I could go home. I guess,the estrangement with my daughter now, is triggering lots of unwanted memories...
My daughter has behaved like your eldest daughter in the past. I feel very much the stranger,the
aquaintance. I wish I understood how they can keep going without acknowledging us ? I don't know why, either, and perhaps never will,but I have a wee bit of hope that once married and settled, we can have some sort of relationship...by phone and email as she will be in Japan.
I only realized that there are (at least) 2 boards like this...I have been writing sort of haphazardly to both. Do you do that too ?
Love,
Bea

    Bookmark   September 22, 2007 at 3:10PM
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