19 Year Old Bossy Child Living at Home

enchiladaladySeptember 1, 2009

I posted this by accident in the stepfamily forum, so I've reposted it here:

My 19 yr old daughter graduated from high school and stayed in town while attending college. She's good at working and going to school, but she can be so arrogant! Her best friends are a married couple 12 years older than she is. My husband and I certainly don't want her moving into their home, though they've offered. We think they ought to be making friends their age; she needs to be making friends her age. She refuses to join with others her age. She hates that we have a curfew and has threatened to move out because of it. I told her if she moved in with her married friends, then we wouldn't pay for her college anymore and she wouldn't have use of our old car. She's not financially capable of having a car loan, and it wouldn't be worthwhile anyway, she needs to finish her education first. She does her own laundry but resents being asked to do anything else at home. She seems to think that she should come and go as she pleases with our car and all she has to do is feed herself and do her own laundry without helping out as part of the family. The hurtful thing is that she told us she considers this married couple to be her family now instead of us. We would be OK with her moving in with another college age girl, but she won't look at bulletins for someone like this looking for a roommate. I suspect she's also putting us down with our younger daughter, as we're having problems with her attitude as well. She's 15. I've already overheard the husband putting us down while talking to her. She didn't know I overheard this. This couple, even the husband, is very flattering to her. They agree with every opinion of hers.

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Ignore or try to, the fact that this older couple is friends with her. She's 19 and will soon be out on her own and then you won't have any say at all anyway. The sure way to have a teen stick with freinds or a boyfriend is to criticize them to the teen. Many a teen has made big mistakes just to thwart their parents.

I would stick with my guns regarding the car and tuition but I would make this contingent on her moving out rather than the couple. You could make this a rent and car issue instead of the real reason.

Then I would call a family meeting. You and your husband have to present a united front. I would tell both girls that you will no longer tolerate disrespect. I would make a list of chores for each of them and tell them that you expect them to be done or priveledges will be taken away for lack of chores and disrespect.

Telephone, Tv, music, and for the older one the use of the car for anything but school, are examples of priveledges that can be taken away. I know this will be hard on both you and your husband but stick with it.

I wish you luck

    Bookmark   September 1, 2009 at 10:36PM
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Put the old car in her name and make her pay for gas, insurance and repairs. Then get rid of the curfew.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2009 at 8:16PM
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I left home because of my mom restrictions. I had graduated, had a job as a telephone operator. My mom would not allow me to go to an all night skating party with my best friend. My parents had been there before and had talked to the owner.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 7:14PM
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Nothing the matter with leaving home. Sometimes it happens onc way, sometimes another. Maybe it's just time.

If she doesn't like living your way in your home, that door swings both ways.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 8:58PM
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The way I see it, if you are living in my house and I am supporting you, you will abide by my rules. Don't like it? Then get out and support yourself.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2009 at 3:18PM
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