rejected by daughter

gmcdonald072September 19, 2012

Hi! I hope someone can give me some direction in trying to deal with our daughter.

Our 38 yr old married daughter suddenley won't take our phone calls, won't respond in any way to messages left on their messaging machine,nor e-mails. Just nothing! I have tried to touch base with her at least once a week siince the beginning of may. The only response we've had is on our grandaughter's birthday. I had called the night before and left a message begging her to let our grandaughter talk to us on her birthday the next day. I left the time we would be calling. When we called our grandaughter answered. After we talked to her for a while, my husband asked if he could talk to our daughter. He was told that she was unavailable. Yesterday I called her work number.

This was the first time I tried there, as I hadn't wanted to upset her at work, but feel we are running out of options. The phone was answered the first time and immediately hung up. I tried again and it went to her voice mail. I did leave a message, but there's still no response. I've drafted a letter to her work e-mail, but not went it because i want to give her time to respond to my phone message. Inall my messages I have told her that we love her and want to meet her somewhere, anywhere she chooses whether it's at her home or anywhere else. There is not one thing that we can think of that would cause her to cut us like this

In the back of my mind I keep thinking she may be being threatened by her husband, as he is not the most stable person in the world. He has threatened to leave her in the past. In the letter I have drafted I asked that question.

We are thinking of just showing up at their house. Being there when she gets home from work.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've cried so much and lost so much sleep that it's started to make me ill.

I have severe rheumatoid arthritis, and I fear the stress is taking it's tole.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx in advance.

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It's very hard to absorb how many parents, esp moms, are hated by their grown kids. We think they will outgrow it when they move beyond their teen years. But more and more are unwilling to honestly discuss their issues with their parents.
Most of us remember the dignity and respect we gave to our own parents, no matter how imperfect and often abusive they were to us. We looked in on and called them because we still showed respect for our elders, especially our own parents. What happened?
Many (not all) of young adults feel entitled - entitled to everything we have, despite it taking a lifetime of work and saving up for what we have and what we've built. They get resentful and angry if we don't keep giving. They INVENT reasons to hate us - which is another reason they can't communicate with us. They don't know exactly why they hate us.
The key is that most of us parents have not done anything bad to our kids. They don't want to 'talk about it' because there isn't anything to nail us with. Sometimes we can figure out the reason(s), but a lot of times, we have absolutely no clue.
It's like they woke up one day and decided to hate Mom (or Dad, brother or sister, whoever) for the rest of their lives, amen, no reason need be given.
Two of our daughters, the sweetest little girls, grew into extremely independent teens who eventually, one at 14 and the other at 25, despised the very breath I breathed. Nothing I could say or do could reach them. Yes, we tried offering psychologists to them, and one is still in therapy 15 yrs later (not getting anywhere).
So far, it's been almost 2 decades of their growing, venom-dripping hatred towards me. Our son adores me and he is the only one with children.
I had to let go and let God. There was no other choice I had. It takes two to communicate, two in a relationship, two to share, give and understand. One cannot do it alone. I lost my own dignity by spending so much time begging, pleading with them, "Why?" I no longer will stoop to that level.
Now I am sick, bedridden, and my husband is pained to see me without our daughters in our lives. He has no idea what happened to them either. We had to let them go. Yet every day, every day, it feels as if I am stabbed in my heart by them.
I still remember them as sweet innocent little girls who loved mommy.
Unfortunately, we are seeing more of what is like an epidemic of selfish, snobbish, disrespectful children who grow into that kind of an adult. I truly believe it is the influence of the self absorbed people in entertainment and in the world around us, as well as fulfillment of Bible prophecies. (No, I won't be Bible thumping but if you would like to know the precise scriptures that foretell children hating their parents, then PM me.)
Until then, we have hope as parents that our grown children will somehow, some day, return to us. That hope never dies, does it? No matter how badly they've hurt us, we still hope.
~peace, and love to all

    Bookmark   September 19, 2012 at 9:00PM
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I can't even begin to imagine how painful this is for you, but as difficult as it is, I think your only option is to back off.

While I understand your need to get some kind of response rather than this terrible silence, I don't think escalating messages, particularly intrusions at her workplace, is in any way beneficial.

The more times you call the more pressured and "trapped" she probably feels. You increase the messages and she buries herself deeper in silence. It's an unproductive escalation.

I think you can see that no matter how much it hurts at this moment, more calls will not achieve what you want. They just make you appear intrusive and needy.

There is nothing in the world harder than letting go and letting it be, but it may be the only thing that will produce the desired results. You know how powerful her silence is. Maybe you need to take a lesson from it and try some silence of your own.

I am glad you were able to speak with your granddaughter. That must have been precious for you. Be careful when you have those chances not to put her in the middle of this situation. Just focus on enjoying your moment with her.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2012 at 3:42AM
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I agree with reading lady.

If you don't know what's causing this, then you surely don't want to push the issue right now. If it IS her husband trying to keep her away from you--have you considered that your constant attempts to contact could be putting her and the children in jeapardy of physical harm?

I wonder, too--is there any possibility at all, that she was abused in some way as a child, sublimated the info, has recently had a memory breakthrough and is blaming you for not protecting her when she needed you? I know that's a serious stretch, but it's one of the few things that I can think of that might make a 38 year old suddenly cut her parents off like this without a word.

A few others? Mental illness, of course. Escalating drug use (either prescription drugs that are doing odd things to her, or illegal ones). Or possibly, she's involved in some illegal activity that she's afraid of visiting on you.

There really doesn't seem to be any logical reason a woman would get to that age and for apparently no reason decide to stonewall her parents. But you know her better than we do.

There is one other thing, though--have you considered perhaps she's attempting to protect YOU? If her husband is so unstable, perhaps he's threatened your safety if she continues to speak with you.

For now, though, perhaps one last letter--written on paper, with pen. Telling her how much you love her, that you plan to respect her need for space, but that you're there for her--that when she's ready, you'll be waiting to hear from her. And then give her the room she needs.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2012 at 9:33PM
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I think the answer to the problem is in the way you are acting. You KNOW she doesn't want contact with you, but you are pushing, pushing, pushing, ignoring what she wants and trying to impose your will on her.

You are like Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction: "I will not be ignored".

But it is her right to ignore you. It is not your right to force yourself on her demanding answers.

It's not mental illness, not her husband, not her spoiled sense of entitlement. It's you and your sense of entitlement: that she owes you answers that you approve of, and she owes to you RIGHT NOW, and it matters not if she wants to talk to you, or if she's at work, or anything. YOU WANT TO KNOW AND BY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE HER PAY ATTENTION TO YOU.

It's this that makes her pull back from her. You are doing exactly the wrong thing to fix your relationship. Are you domineering and pushy with your daughter often? Is this possibly why she feels the need to put distance between you? Do you always disregard her wishes when they conflict with your own. She doesn't want to interact with you right now, you know it, but you don't respect her wishes, you attempt to force her to interact.

Leave her alone and stop being so pushy and domineering and see if someday your relationship doesn't get a little better.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2013 at 2:49PM
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And no, she's not being threatened by her husband...otherwise she would have talked to you at work.

Also if her husband was threatening her and preventing you from talking to her, he would not have let his daughter talk to you on his phone.

She is rejecting you because of you, because of your behavior, not because someone is forcing her. It's not anyone else's choice, but hers.

You can't solve the problem with pretending. You have to face the reality. She is freely choosing to cut off contact with you because she is not happy with your behavior.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2013 at 2:53PM
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