Another Child's side of estrangement-Should We Make Contact?
My Husbands parents told my Husband 4 yrs ago to "just stay the F*** away"! We have been married for 16 years this December and we have 18 & 14 year old Sons. There were many similar things like the ones below that led up to this, I will tell 3 of the main ones.
When our Sons were younger we were pretty picky about their upbringing & safety. The Grandparents wanted to take our youngest Son to "Celebration Station" who at the time was between a car booster seat & a seat belt. Although he was old enough to be in a seat belt, he was smaller then other kids his age & his weight/height was not safe for the seatbelt(he was born premature at 28 wks gstn)We told them to make sure they used the booster seat and the Grandma (my Mother n Law) said it was ridiculous that we were making him sit in a booster seat at his age, plus they didn't like the booster seat pressing into their leather seats in the car. This was just one of the many situations like this one, questioning our parenting decisions. We told them that they could forget taking him if they weren't going to honor our wishes. They thought we were horrible for doing that.
During the Holidays they would have people over at their house, but would voice who they wanted & who they didn't. They didn't like my Mom who suffered from Depression, High Blood Pressure & Perscription drug problems. She had her problems with being a little eccentric, but she was still my Mom & loved her Family. My Mom lived alone, divorced from my Dad. They invited my Dad & Brother, but they said my Mom couldn't come (this was Thanksgiving). My Husband & I were very poor at the time & couldn't really afford hosting a Thanksgiving meal. Our older Son was 4 & our youngest was just home from the hospital neonatal unit after 2 months being in there. We were upset & my Husband was torn at the time between this part of his family & ours. We both came together and decided to host a "peasant potluck" for Thanksgiving, that way everyone would share in the expenses and we would invite everyone including my Mother & Father-n-law & my Mom. We weren't going to shut anyone out. They responded by saying that they were not going to come to a Thanksgiving dinner celebration called a "peasant potluck", so they didn't come.
The final beaker-When my Husband & I had been married about 11 years we went through a separation that lasted 4 months. They seized on it and were thrilled to be rid of me. My Husband & I still communicated during this time and we grew from it and got back together stronger then ever. We went over to His Parents house for Easter even though it was difficult for me because of all the horrible things they and his Sister & Brother had said about me & my Mom (my Mom had passed away by this time). I knew it was important to my Husband so I went their with good intentions to make amends. When I was in the kitchen talking to his Mom I looked over on the refrigerator and noticed a note that had a derogatory name by my name & business that I owned at the time. I was saddened, upset to say the least. All this happened while the Mom is still talking to me like nothing was going on. She didn't know I saw it. I told my Husband & we quietly said our goodbyes since it was towards the end of the evening. My Husband called them that evening to talk about what we saw and they denied it saying it was my Husbands Brother who wrote it & we shouldn't be so upset. She hung up the phone. I called back to help them understand why this hurt so bad & my Mother-n-law was rude & uncaring about it. She put his Dad on the phone & he told me to "just shut up", "just shut up" and he hung up the phone. My Husband called back & his Mother put his Dad on the phone and told my Husband that if he didn't apologize to his Mom for accusing her that we needed to stay the F*** away.
They have Grandchildren they haven't seen for 4 years. They never have made any attempt to contact any of us. My Husbands Brother & Sister have also not made an attempt to contact him. As for my Husband & I we are in a very close & loving relationship, raising our kids, without them. The rift it caused between my Husband & myself before has completely gone and our relationship has gotten stronger. However, I understand the loss my Husband feels not having the Family he once shared a home & growing up with. Since all of this his Parents moved out of town. (I have tracked their current address recently online)to see where they live. I told my Husband because it has come up over the years, especially around the Holidays. I don't want to be the one to stop them from reuniting, but I am afraid of the negativity that could creep in if they were to enter back into our lives. He hasn't written a letter yet & isn't sure if he wants to. Our Son's are used to not having the relationship anymore.
I personally can't understand cutting a child out of your life under these circumstances, especially the Grandchildren. My Husband is such a good & kind person, hard working, morally sound, with great integrity. They are losing a great deal here. We feel the loss too. All & all, not a great feeling. Any feedback or advice for any of us would be appreciated.