spoiled 19 yr old

bgirl08September 9, 2012

I need help dealing with my boyfriends spoiled 19 year old daughter. She is an only child and raised by her father, The problem is she doesn't know how or wont deal with life. She wants to be an adult but acts like a child. If things don't go her way she starts to cry and have fits all the time. He caves to her just to keep her happy. He is not helping her by doing this in anyway. He let her boyfriend move into the house with her just to keep her home at night. He knows that if he didn't let this happen she would be sleeping at a different place every night because the boyfriend has no place to live. The daughter nor the boyfriend have a job and my boyfriend supports them both. The daughter does go to college part time but does nothing else. She is always asking her dad for money and he gives it to her just to keep her happy.The problem is she is starting to come between his and mine relationship.I have 3 kids of my own ages 22, 18 and 14. My 22 year old has been on her own since she was 19 my 18 year old works and my 14 year old is a A student in school. I look at the way his daughter uses him and it drives me crazy. I don't know if I should say something or just go with it and hope that one day she grows up. She tells him all the time that he never does anything with her and that makes him tell me that he has to do something with her but as soon as she gets money from him shes gone. Any help with how to deal with this mess would be helpful.

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popi_gw

You have a full life bringing up your own children.

How important is this man to you ?

It is tricky territory casting criticism on another's parenting techniques. Words have to be chosen very carefully.

You could deal with this "mess" by changing your reaction to it. In reality why does it bother you ?

In 5 years it won't be an issue. Children grow up and move on and all those stresses cease, perhaps you could just wait for that.

Failing that you could have a little chat with your BF, offering some constructive comments in combination with working out a firm plan on how you react to this girl.

It is a tricky age and I don't envy your situation.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2012 at 11:12PM
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dreamgarden

It doesn't sound like you like the daughter very much and I could hardly blame you.

If this were me, I would keep quiet about her. She has been his daughter much longer than you have been his girlfriend. Regardless of his poor parenting skills, I'm sure he feels he has done something right.....

I wouldn't move in with him or allow him to move in with you while this 'problem' exists.

I'd keep your options open and maintain separate residences until 'baby girl' grows up. You don't want her to be able to affect your kids or have access to anything valuable so long as she is dating a loser.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2012 at 1:11PM
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ScreamingHurt

I heard this quote recently: " The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children."
I suppose you could add, by our "lover's children."

IF you LOVE HIM, REALLY LOVE HIM... like you think he and you have a long future together...
Try to LOVE your boyfriend and enjoy every moment you two have together. BE "in the moment" with your boyfriend.
CREATE a world where the two of you exist only to love and support each other.
DO NOT let the residue of "the kids"-yours or his-pollute that world.
Why should you sacrifice your relationship on the altar of the "spoiled 19yr old" ???
DO YOU really want THAT??!!
The ancient meaning of "spoiled" really has to do with victory. "Spoiling" the enemy or "spoils" of war means TAKING everything of value that once belonged to your now defeated and humiliated enemy.
So will you let the "spoiled 19yr old" SPOIL your relationship or will you have the victory by keeping your relationship?
...just a thought

    Bookmark   September 15, 2012 at 8:43PM
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azzalea

I'm sorry--this isn't what you want to hear--but how he raises his daughter, the ins and outs of their relationship...are really none of your business.

You need to decide whether you can tolerate the situation as is, without butting in, or if you need to leave--those really are your only choices in this.

He has every right to raise his daughter as he sees fit--you wouldn't appreciate it very much if he started telling you to start treating YOUR children differently than you do, would you? Make a true effort to be empathetic here, and I think you'll be able to evaluate the situation from a different point of view

    Bookmark   September 28, 2012 at 10:45AM
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LuAnn_in_PA

I agree with azzalea! None of your business.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2012 at 9:53AM
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