Marriage Ceremony?

flowergal-2010September 14, 2010

My Daughter will be getting Married very soon, and they decided to have this done at their local Courthouse as they are in another state. Her and I will be planning a large Wedding for next year when they can come Home and can be with All their Family. I assumed this would be done with just 2 witnesses. Now I find out that Her Father, His Wife, and their Son and his Girlfriend are travelling to them for the Marriage and spending the weekend with them....Call me old-fashioned, but this makes me feel like Crap!! Input???

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flowergardenmuse

I'm uncertain as to why they are getting married at a local courthouse and then waiting until the next year for a larger wedding? Does it mainly have to do with the location and other relatives joining them?

Will you be traveling there to join them at the courthouse as well? Are there other details to this story?

It makes me wonder if the large wedding is truly her wish or if it was more your idea--something that you desired to do for her? I'm uncertain why you would feel like crap, given the details unless you feel let down and deflated?

I wish you didn't feel like crap about it, but I'm uncertain as to why you may feel as you do.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 11:23AM
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oilpainter

I too wondered why 2 weddings? Years ago when living together was frowned upon, this happened but I've never heard of it happening in this day and age.

Was this your daughters idea or yours? Not everyone wants a large splash for a wedding. I think you should think things over--take the money you would have spent on that large wedding and join your daughter at the courthouse and have a party for the relatives to meet the couple when she comes home.

I too wish you didn't feel like crap. There is really no reason for you to feel that way. Do you think your daughter invited them and not you? Probably not--I think when she told her father about the wedding, HE decided to come.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2010 at 10:08PM
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kkny

I would have a heart to heart with her. At this point, I would stop work on the larger wedding. It really isnt a wedding, they would already be married, and attend the first wedding.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 4:03PM
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flowergal-2010

Well, as of 19 minutes ago, My Daughter got Married at the court house in another state.(She let me know that thru a TEXT MESSAGE) They got married there supposedly because her "Husband" will be transferred overseas in Feb. and he didn't wanna leave her here. My Daughter told me that in order fro them to get their Passports, paperwork, etc. done in time, it would be easier to get married "officially" now. SHE told me that she wanted THE BIG Wedding on their 1st Anniversary, next year. This would be for all of their Family and Friends to celebrate here, at her HOME where 90% of her Family is. This went (in a months time) from the 2 of them getting married at the Court house, to geting married at the Courthouse WITH Partial Family and Friends in attendance. My Husband and I weren't invited, as we thought it was just for "Paperworks" sake. Now it is DONE........don't quite know what to think at this time~~

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 4:49PM
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asolo

Look...it's done. Your decision is whether you want to keep your relationship with your daughter or not. Surely that's up to you, but I think I know where you'll go with it.

Second weddings? IMHO total self-indulgent BS. (Did I get the capital "B" on that?) Have a welcome-home party and be done with it. This is air-head barbie-doll stupidness. They did what they did. It's OK. It's fine. Happens all the time. Everybody still loves everybody. What's this insistence upon the fairy-tale promise show no matter what? Completely puke-worthy IMHO. Is THAT the price your daughter has set on staying attached?

    Bookmark   September 17, 2010 at 10:06PM
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flowergal-2010

I Guess I just ASSUMED she would WANT and NEED Her Mother with her for her Marriage: However, I do know what happens when you assume things....

    Bookmark   September 18, 2010 at 10:36AM
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asolo

Younger people often as not don't have the perspective their parents do about such things. Maybe she intended it as a snub, but I doubt it. Unless you can discern an intention to wound or some other message in it, as opposed to simple youthful obliviousness, I would suggest a mental adjustment.

My opinion of the "second wedding" stands, but people have different ideas about that, too. You're all grown up. You can do whatever you want.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2010 at 10:48AM
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asolo

Younger people often as not don't have the perspective their parents do about such things. Maybe she intended it as a snub, but I doubt it. Unless you can discern an intention to wound or some other message in it, as opposed to simple youthful obliviousness, I would suggest a mental adjustment.

My opinion of the "second wedding" stands, but people have different ideas about that, too. You're all grown up. You can do whatever you want.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2010 at 10:49AM
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asolo

Apologizing for double post....has happened a couple of times. I'm quite familiar with the system. Don't know what caused.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2010 at 10:51AM
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parent_of_one

did she not invite you but invited her dad? it is rather sad and weird unless you don't have close relationship with her or unless you cause trouble at events. or maybe you and her dad don't get along and she had to choose one of you. if you were invited, but opted not to come then she is not be blamed. other than that i think it is rather strange...

    Bookmark   September 19, 2010 at 11:31AM
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popi_gw

Maybe her father would not be included in the big wedding "back home", so this was the only opportunity to have her dad at the wedding ??

Look at it from her perspective, don't take things so personally. If you have always had a good relationship with your daughter, why would she choose to snub you now ?

I had a giggle about Asolo's view of second weddings, kinda agree with his proselytizing (correct word?). You are married or you are not, can you really get married twice ? It is just marketing, don't be sucked in !

You daughter is probably trying to please you by agreeing to another wedding.

Who is the wedding for, I ask you, is it for all the guests and the family, or is it for the couple who are getting married ?

Whatever happens, enjoy the event, you deserve some happiness in seeing your daughter starting her future as a married woman, be happy.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2010 at 8:10PM
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flowergal-2010

As I said before, The "Couthouse" Marriage happened so that they could get their paperwork, passports, etc. started as they are leaving in Feb. to go to Germany for 4 years..(He is Military) Also, Her AND I had always planned on a large Wedding for her, but given the circumstances~~ A courthouse marriage now, then a Large "Wedding" next year on their 1st Anniversary so that we would have TIME to plan it, and ALL Family and Friends would be invited. Since this took place 3 days ago, and "partial" Family and Friends attended the ceremony at the courthouse??? I am extremely hurt~~ I told her that it should have been "Everybody invited" or JUST THE 2 of THEM" for paperworks sake....The BIG Wedding was for her and me,and ALL of our Families. Now she still assumes we will plan a large Wedding for a year fron now~~ Under the cicumstances, I think her "Wedding" already happened 3 days ago??

    Bookmark   September 20, 2010 at 9:17AM
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flowergardenmuse

flowergal,

Well it sounds like there was poor communication on her part, but I wasn't there to know what was said or wasn't said. It probably was easier to have their paperwork done.

Now that you've provided more details and reading other people's input, my gut feeling from the start was/is that she doesn't/didn't want to rock-the-boat and is going along with a second wedding to please you. I think she wanted to avoid having a difficult conversation of not wanting to hurt her mother or she is just oblivious.

If they are leaving in Feb. to live in Germany for 4 years I don't see the reason to plan a second wedding. They will be living far away. You could plan a gathering (a first year anniversary event), if you desired. I just don't think I would bother with the time and expense of such an event, but everyone is different.

She may just have been caught up in a rushed wedding and things spiraled out of control. Sometimes one hears a lot of advice from all sides and the couple can feel caught in the middle, when the only thing they really want is well wishes from others and to be together. They also don't want to offend and hurt anyone.

One thing that may be helpful is for you to sort your own feelings out about this before engaging in more conversations with her. Are you hurt because you felt she avoided being honest with you about what she truly desired? Are you feeling hurt because you were not invited? Are you hurt because you feel your hopes and dreams for her have been dashed? Do you feel that she mislead you into believing that what you wanted was what she wanted as well?

Once you get clear on your own feelings then I think you will know what to do to move forward.

In my experience weddings are really never about the bride and groom, but about other family members. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it was with my wedding and my in-laws behaved extremely selfishly and my husband felt stuck in the middle dealing with their ego's and selfishness, so he avoided conversations that needed to take place in an attempt to placate their needs, issues and desires.

I hope you will feel better about this situation and I hope it doesn't create problems between you and your daughter. Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2010 at 1:07PM
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flowergal-2010

You are VERY insightful, flowergardenmuse :) Thanks SO much! Now I will add more: MY DAUGHTER has INSISTED on a BIG Wedding on her first Anniversary, since her Marriage was "Just for paperworks sake", With that said, I feel that for that very reason, it should've been just her and her Fiance at the court house. I didn't know "other people" were attending until 2 days before the Marriage...I am VERY hurt because I've always believed a Bride ALWAYS wants her Mother at her Wedding, no matter where it is at, period. She led me to believe it was the 2 of them...I'm very hurt because other Family members were there. In my opinion, My Daughter should've had the decency to remind people that the "Celebration" for Relatives and Guests will be next year, after SHE and I planned HER Wedding,,,,SHE has wanted a big wedding since she was a little girl! I now feel since she had "guests" at the Courthouse with them, a Wedding next year is not needed....About the only people that matter to her (Or I THOUGHT we mattered) are Me and My Husband, her step-father, the 2 people that have ALWAYS been there for her, and supported her emotionally AND financially~~We "Financed" several "dreams" for her that she would not have been able to achieve on her own or with her "Father's" help-- seeing as how he only attends the events in life that are "free", if you know what I mean. I believe that the bond I have worked on my whole life between My Daughter and I is not there...It is what it is, I can't change it, or make her "Want" me at her wedding or anything else.... We all make choices, I don't Love her ANY less, God knows that :)

    Bookmark   September 20, 2010 at 2:44PM
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silversword

"MY DAUGHTER has INSISTED on a BIG Wedding on her first Anniversary, since her Marriage was "Just for paperworks sake","

If it's a necessity she will find a way to do it without your help. A wedding is just a big party. And to have one a year later is self-indulgent. IMO. She's a married lady now. Mommy and Daddy's obligations are over. Anything now is because you want to.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2010 at 2:56PM
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popi_gw

I think you are being too hard on your daughter. The whole event has been soured because you have chosen to be miserable about it. Sure you are disappointed, but it is time to move on.

Find joy for her, find joy because she is married, has chosen a decent guy and has started her life with him. How do you think she feels knowing her mother is annoyed with her, I am sure she hears that in your voice.

You risk alienating her and you don't want to do that.

Are you feeling that she is obligated to do what you want and to please you...because you have helped her out financially in the past ? Not sure I agree with that thinking.

Look forward to the grand kids, the wedding will become a distant memory.

Take care.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 1:07AM
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sirens

" Now she still assumes we will plan a large Wedding for a year fron now~~ Under the cicumstances, I think her "Wedding" already happened 3 days ago??"

I wouldn't feel obligated to $$$give her a big wedding later$$$, when your presence was not required at the courthouse wedding.
Why was her father there, to relieve him of the financial burden a "big" wedding would impose?
Nope, if she wants a big celebration later, let her and her new hubby pay for it. JMHO

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 11:24AM
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silversword

"Nope, if she wants a big celebration later, let her and her new hubby pay for it. JMHO"

ditto.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 11:54AM
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deborah_ps

I'm wondering if your daughter while talking to her bio-dad about the courthouse wedding got finagled into having him there. I wouldn't be surprised if Dad invited themselves. And not wanting to hurt HIS feelings doesn't tell him to stay at home.
Then realizing things have gotten out of control, knowing it will hurt Mom, doesn't mention it until much later.
Your daughter is most likely holding her breath that you are not as hurt as you say here. I know I would be.
And really it comes down to those jealous feelings about your ex getting something that you feel is/was rightfully yours. I get it, I've had those feelings too.
I think your daughter is caught in the middle of two parents still "warring" over the kids.
What will happen when the grandkids start arriving?
Who will "win" then?
I feel for your daughter being stuck in the middle of two parents who really still don't have HER feelings first and foremost.
I didn't mean for this post to turn into a bashing...but put on your big girl panties, give your daughter grace of not assigning intent of leaving you out on purpose.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2010 at 1:21PM
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flowergardenmuse

flowergal,

You're welcome--actually that is nice to hear given that it is seldom expressed. I associate the word "insist" with feelings of "entitlement" and I don't respond well to anyone who insists or who feels entitled.

As other's have pointed out I also wouldn't feel obligated to pay for a 2nd wedding. An option would be an anniversary event and small reception, but demanding a second wedding a year later sounds quite self-indulgent to me as well. She can insist all she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to placate her requests, especially if it seems unreasonable.

I probably would wait to communicate with her until the dust settles; otherwise you may have regrets in trying to communicate hurt feelings. I also can understand how you could feel given that it sounds like communication was poor.

I think you do matter, but she may not appreciate you and she could very well be taking you for granted, which is a different issue. And sadly, people often do take us for granted when we offer consistent emotional support.

"I believe that the bond I have worked on my whole life between My Daughter and I is not there..."

I understand how you could feel this way given the situation. Feeling taken for granted and not appreciated is hurtful and destructive. I understand that you do not love her any less, but you did/do need someone to talk to about it.

Well, I wish you the best of luck with this and I'm glad if I was able to offer some support.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2010 at 11:29PM
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flowergal-2010

Flowergardenmuse: Thank you for your advice. I feel I hve been taken advantage of, to an extent: We have always given and done for her and one other step-child to an extreme at times. She is 26 years old, the other is 35! No one to confront about this but ourselves. We have given TOO much and it's gotten to the point it's not appreciated as much as it is EXPECTED.Her and I have tried talking on the phone once, and we ended up hanging up on each other: She INSISTS the "Marriage" that took place last week with Partial Family and Friends was a "PREQUEL" to next year~~WHAT????? You're right, we both need time to digest each others feelings before we can continue: Again, Thanks to you and everyone else for their advice~~It IS appreciated. Sometimes it's better to hear things from an outsider. :)

    Bookmark   September 23, 2010 at 8:13AM
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silversword

Flowergal, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how this feels.

I'd tell her:

"Honey, I'm so glad you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. As you know, your stepfather and I offered to pay for your wedding. Since you choose to get married at the justice of the peace and that cost is significantly lower than the extravaganza we planned, we'd be happy to throw you a family dinner for the family when you get back from overseas so that we can celebrate with you and the family."

And smile. You got off easy mama!!

    Bookmark   September 23, 2010 at 12:11PM
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susie53_gw

I would not be planning a big wedding. Silversword is right on. Have a nice meal with family when they get home and no more. It's a shame your daughter couldn't have called and asked you and your hubby to come, too. I would hold off a bit before discussing it with her.. Sounds to me like she is a little spoiled and just wants her way..I wish you the best on what happens..

    Bookmark   September 23, 2010 at 10:26PM
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colleenoz

Whether it was done for the sake of regularising her relationship (paperwork) or what, the reality is that your daughter has HAD her wedding. It was in a courthouse. Doing the whole, walking down the aisle in a foofy dress and going over the vows would be a sham as you can't marry two people who are ALREADY married. What she could do is to have a reception on her first anniversary, they're not just for weddings.
Why your daughter didn't ask you to the courthouse ceremony I don't know. Why you didn't insist on going in the first place I don't know either. Even if it was "for paperwork" it was still her marriage and intrinsically a more important ceremony than the sham one she wants for her anniversary.
Personally I'd let your daughter finance the reception herself at least partially, since she wanted what she perceived to be the advantages of being married she gets the responsibilities too, including the financial ones.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2010 at 8:58AM
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flowergardenmuse

flowergal,

Well, unfortunately I can very well relate to "I feel I have been taken advantage of", although my set of circumstances is very different. I've always been a giver too, but monsters of expectation don't appreciate. They tend to twist giving into all about them and their expecations and entitlement issues. People who behave selfishly never think about how their demands hurt others and they have interesting ways of manipulating and twisting issues. It's very difficult when relatives behave that way, but it's necessary to re-evaluate lopsided relationships--people who fail to respect or appreciate our time, energy and feelings for our own sanity--even relatives.

"I believe that the bond I have worked on my whole life between My Daughter and I is not there..."

I know that feeling well too. When relatives/people manipulate and mislead you to get their way--it pulls the rug out from under your feet and it damages trust. I think it a pretty normal feeling to question that bond and relationship...I've been there and it doesn't feel good.

Well, it was nice that you took the time to respond and that my input was appreciated--it's very rare to hear someone express appreciation.

I wish you the best with everything.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2010 at 1:02PM
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flowergal-2010

Flowergardenmuse, Thanks again :) I am now in the process of re-evaluating as we speak~~I'm far from perfect myself, I'm thinking this whole situation happened to MAKE me open my eyes. I'm focusing on trying to see the "whole " forest instead of just the trees! You strike me as such a caring person: May you be rewarded one day :) Thanks again!

    Bookmark   September 24, 2010 at 1:11PM
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sylviatexas1

It sounds like what I call superstar syndrome:
It's all about being in the limelight & getting presents & being the Bride....
even if you're a married woman.

If she wants to renew her vows with a big gathering of friends & family, that might be nice, but I really think the froufrou dress & unity candle & everything would be a bid for attention & presents;
it would be using her friends & family as an audience & a source of "stuff".

& unless your mother abandoned you to wolves when you were a mere infant, inviting your dad & his wife to your wedding & texting your mother after the fact is very bad manners at the least, insulting to the point of abusive at the worst.

Send her a nice present & a congratulations card, & never ever again engage in any discussion about her big wedding.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2010 at 3:27PM
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asolo

Y'know, sylviatexas and I have locked horns on many occasions but IMHO she's got it spot-on this time.

She calls it "superstar syndrome" where I've referred to it as "barbie doll syndrome" but we're both talking about the same thing: A traditional, expensive (paid for by somebody else), show-off, entitlement party with bride-zilla as the center of attention notwithstanding the flouting of everything otherwise involved with the tradition.

It seems to me your little girl's got entitlement dripping off of her. Somebody owes it to her. She wants the fairy tale.

Understand she's your daughter and you want keep connected. Interesting that she's apparently put a price-tag on it.

I'm waaay off the dominant demographic. Take it with a grain. That's just it looks to me.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2010 at 8:17PM
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