The Other Side Of The Estranged Mother
I have read the posts regarding the estranged mother's and a lot of them seem one sided to me. There are two people in the relationship so both sides need to be heard.
I for one, am a daughter, mother and grandmother so I feel I have the life experience to support what I am about to say.
First of all the relationship with your child starts when they are young at home. So what kind of upbringing and family life you provided them is part of the equation. Also, how you adjust to and treat your children when they become adults is also a factor. You can have situations where the parents are abusive, the children are rebellious or any combination of the two. The parents are not always the innocent victims like they would like to have everyone believe.
Case in point. My mother has been abusive to me especially mentally ever since I can remember. I would be what you call the family scapegoat in an alcoholic family, my dad being the alcoholic. It's bad enough growing up in this kind of environment but even as an adult my mother wishes to continue her abusive treatment of me with no consequences.
I'm 43 now and my mother has had plenty of time to get her act together and I am at the stage where I am going to have zero contact with her. It affects me mentally and physically. The last tirade she inflicted on me resulted in severe stomach cramps and a migraine headache a few days later. Why should I have to put up with this? Because she is my mother? Horse pucky! I have two grown children and even though I am closer to one than the other I would never treat my own children the way my mother has treated me. Some of you mother's need to look at yourselves and have some personal accountability. My mother for one, acts like she has never made a mistake in her life and I have never once heard her make an apology for anything she has done. She seems to have the attitude that she can do whatever she wants and that I am just supposed to put up with it and it is business as usual. I'm getting older and sick and tired of putting up with her garbage and why should I waste my whole life being abused by her. It's my life isn't it. She doesn't own my life. I do. If she wants a relationship then she needs to have some respect and treat me accordingly. It is a two way street not a one way.
To clarify some of my reasons for seriously telling my mother to take a flying leap are:
Claiming that I was the reason for my dad's alcoholism and trying to get rid of me by putting me in a group home to prove that I am the problem or if my dad is the problem. I'm gone, things improve therefore I am the problem. Or, I leave things don't improve so therefore my dad is the problem. What kind of sick logic is that? Nice mothering.
Not providing clothing from 16 onwards. I went to school and got a job and bought all my own clothes and personal things from 16 on. The reason, my parents didn't want to buy me clothes anymore even though I was still under 18 and they were responsible for my needs or so you would think.
My dad considering he had inherited heart problems and because of years of drinking and smoking thus abusing his body died of his third heart attack at the age of 52. My mother literally blamed me for his death saying that it was my fault because I had problems with my first abusive marriage and me asking for help from my parents was upsetting them.
Treating my sister like she is the perfect child and me the bad one. No matter what I do it is never good enough or appreciated so what is the use in trying anymore? I don't see the point it is self-defeating.
My mom does have occasional good days but most of the time she does the flip and has nothing but negativity and criticism to offer me. Basically I feel like garbage when I am around her and it takes weeks to recover emotionally. Before I go on and on I will recount the most recent episode that is putting me over the edge. After this most recent onslaught I had stomach pains so severe that I was walking hunched over and am the glad recipient of a migraine headache of which I still have right now.
Now that my youngest son is grown she is using him to spread her poison. My son visits his grandmother and what does she do with the time. Put both me and my second non-abusive husband down to the ground. My son informed me of what was said since we have a close relationship and I confronted my mother on these things. Well turns out she said all those nasty things. What does she do when I confront her. She justifies herself and acts like she did nothing wrong and that she is the victim. What kinds of things does she say. How about this!
Why is your husband driving a jeep. He doesn't have 200 dollar shoes and a 300 suit. Is he showing off? But it is okay that my sister's husband has had a Thunderbird, now has a Truck and a fifth wheel trailer. That is not showing off I guess. I informed my mother that my husband has worked many years and has always had a used vehicle except for now and that it was his business and that he is paying for it and that if she doesn't like it then that is just too bad for her.
Accusing me and my husband of not helping my son. My son is over 18 and works full time so I don't think it is unreasonable to have him buy his own clothes, save up for a used car, pay room and board, etc. Yet she had no problem me buying my own clothes since I was 16. See the hypocrisy here?
Stating that if it wasn't for Government money that I wouldn't be raising my grandson and that my husband wouldn't dip into his wallet to pay for anything. I am raising my grandson because my daughter is not able to due to being special needs. Again, I don't see it as unreasonable for her to cover the childs expenses and since I am at home and raising a child is a full time job my time is worth something. I already raised two kids. I am raising my grandson because I don't want him to be with strangers. Does my mom think this is noble? Does she give me credit for doing this? Why would she do that? After all, she is my mother.
Me and my husband like to look at houses and I also get put down for that. Why are we looking for another house? Who's going to give my husband a mortgage? I informed my mother that if you have the equity in your existing property or can make up the difference and refinance and still have the property paid off by retirement age then why not? We would both like to have a brand new house that we are the original owners. If it doesn't work out then fine but I informed my mother that it is our business and reminded her that she doesn't pay the mortgage payments so to mind her own business.
My mother puts me down for having my own small business at home. She says why bother if you are not making lots of money. I tell her. What do you expect? You need to put time, effort and money into a business and that the results are not instant. I also told her that there are no guarantees and that business fail all the time but that doesn't mean that I am not going to make the effort and try anything just because she doesn't believe in me. Am I rich, no. Will I be, who knows. But again it is none of my mom's business and I don't appreciate her trying to destroy my dreams.
My mom also accused that if I do make lots of money in my small business that my husband will take it. I told her that I have known my husband for 18 years, 16 years of them married, and that not once in all that time has he ever asked for money. He has been the breadwinner throughout and even when I had a part-time job here and there he never asked me for any money.
My mom has also accused me of wanting her money when she dies and I am getting more than a little sick and tired of hearing this. I have told her continously that I don't need her money. She accuses that when I get my inheritence that I will not share it with my children but will either share it or give it to my husband. I told her that I am sick of being accused of this and that I want her to disinherit me and take her money and stick it. She then says that if she disinherits me that I will contest the will. Can you see how I don't win no matter what I do? She then asks me if I would still be the executor of the will and I stated no. I stated that I don't want her money, that I am sick of her garbage and abuse, and that I would wash my hands of the whole thing.
Even though I can't stand my mom and it has been this way most of my life I still invited her over for most of the holiday dinners. Some payback and thanks I get. My sister the perfect one has already estranged herself from my mother and I am left holding the bag. Really fair isn't it.
Well I've had enough insults and garbage to last more than one lifetime. I don't think I will be contacting my mother or inviting her for any holiday dinners anymore. She needs to reap the consequences of what she has done all of these years. I feel that some mother's take their children for granted and feel that their children owe them their lives. It just doesn't work that way. Eventually you get what you deserve.
This of course doesn't apply to mother's that have rebellious, abusive children which also can happen but how many mother's are out there that portray the image that they have done nothing wrong but nothing is further from the truth. My mother also bad mouths me behind my back and makes it look like she is the victim and I'm the bad guy. Again, there are two sides to every story and each case is unique.
My final word is this. You don't owe your life to your mother or your children if they are abusing you and making your life miserable. If you abuse your children then what do you expect back for that? Respect and admiration? Not going to happen. Your job is to love and nurture your children not to try to destroy them.
Just another aspect on the estrangement issue and food for thought.