Parental alienation likely to happen
Hello folks. Just wondering if any parents could offer some advice on how I may deal with my problem. I've read your posts/blogs and see alot of you have had problems with their adult children and I feel you may be able to offer advice from experience as parents. Most of all I need advice from your heart.
My mother and I have a terrible relationship which now is on the brink of alienation. I've considered cutting her off but out of guilt or shame, I don't know, I've kept her in my life. Our relationship is now at breaking point.
I'm 30, female and completing my degree in medicine at university. All through my life I've felt and been treated like the black sheep of my family. My mother was the worst culprit out of all the family (The whole family seemed to dislike me generally). She put me down about my looks and personality and many other things.
Her digs and insults were damaging. I'm still feeling the after effects as an adult. I was apparently a 'difficult' child? What she regarded as difficult was my personality. I've always been outspoken and extroverted. If I'm not happy about something, I'll say it. People always found me intelligent for my age but my mother regarded me as troublesome. Why?
I'm guessing she wanted a nodding dog. Her life as a single parent was stressful and I guess she wanted me to be like my siblings, to nod and agree with everything she said and have no opinions of my own. I was trouble/difficult to her but what she failed to see was that other parents were dealing with far worse. Kids in and out of prison, teenage pregnancies, drugs etc I NEVER did any of those things or gave that sort of trouble.
My fault was my personality. At age 30 I'm still a virgin by choice, with hopes of a good career in medicine and finding a God fearing, loving husband who's a Christian like me. I was molested twice in my life but thankfully nothing sexual progressed, just inappropriate touching. I also suffered physical abuse from another family member regularly.
I told my mother about the abuse some of which she witnessed e.g the violence, but she did nothing. When I told her about the sexual abuse she called me a liar. To my face many times she also called me ugly and told me I would not amount to nothing. Her excuse for her behaviour is ''She had a hard life and was struggling as a single parent''.
Umm...other single parents struggle yes, but they don't treat their children the way she did. Fast forward to now. She plays the supportive, loving and proud parent. Happy to boast about my achievements to other people and tell me she is 'proud' of me. Really! After telling me all my life I was useless and worthless and making me feel like it, she's now so proud? She also tells me she loves me which I don't feel she does.
I've called her out on this many times but she bursts into tears saying that if criminals are forgiven for their crimes why can't I forgive her? She makes it seem like forgiveness is something she's entitled to. I don't know folks. I'm at the end of my tether with her. Last week she splashed out and bought me expensive perfumes and other gifts that I did not even want nor did I ask for them. I felt like they were being forced onto me.
When I told her she got offended and I ended up feeling guilty. Her way of 'making up' for her faults is by being extra nice and going above and beyond. Rather than acknowledge her faults and say sorry for the pain she's caused me, she'd rather make grand gestures even though I've made it clear they're unwelcome many times.
The pain I feel in my heart and life is because of her ways. Nothing she can say or do will ever take that pain away. Even if I was to forgive her, letting her into my life would be risky as she's more than likely destroy it. We had a long talk this evening about how I'm feeling, the past etc We've reached a stale mate. She says she's sorry but cannot undo the past. Where do we go from her? Like I say having her in my life is risky.
But moving away and breaking off contact with her is tempting. I'm so confused and hurt that I'm afraid to make the wrong decision. Any advice?