What am I feeling about my mom and brother and Why?
Thank you for the opportunity to get advice on my family situation. I am female, 56 with a 53 yr old brother. Our sister died at 49 of cancer due to cigarettes and drinking; a baby sister died at 4 months. Brother lives with mother and does not work, never married. Six yrs in the Coast Guard and about 5 yrs of �other� jobs. The last time he worked was over 25 yrs ago. He drinks and smokes a lot but does keep up the yard, house, cooks and �takes of� of mom. My sister had 2 kids and I have a new grandniece.
My mom moved back to her family after living near my paternal grandparents when I was in the 2nd grade. My dad got a job overseas and came to visit rarely and paid little support. Mom went back to school at 30 yrs old with 3 small kids living alone with my grandmother babysitting. Mom got her master�s and supported us. My dad visited sporadically and they eventually divorced. My mom attempted suicide with us in the house (attic) when we were in grammar school. She got help but we were there, saw the evidence and blamed my father, of course, just background. Later, my father married again and had a son but took his own life at 46 yrs old in another country. This really doesn�t relate to my question here rather, just background with my personal issues.
Mom married again three times, divorced all and finally was with a man for over 20 yrs whom I was very close to in my late 20s. She ended up leaving him when he cheated on her. Mom married for the 4th and final time and I was very close to him. My brother left another part of the country after the Coast Guard and came back to live with my mom and her husband before my stepfather took his own life after almost 10 yrs of marriage and losing his company. He told me the week before he died that he �wished he didn�t have my brother to deal with�; actually, he said, �I married it, I have to deal with it�; meaning my brother who was living with them at the time. Brother worked with stepfather and at the time (naive me), thought they got along okay. I�m sure they did at times, though.
My mother has an okay income, house paid for and they live 2 hours away. I am married of over 20 yrs and we are happy; I could not have kids but have a stepson and daughter and step grandkids.
Mom told me about 4 months ago that she changed her will to make my brother the primary beneficiary and that she did this b/c he is the one �taking care� of her. She also has my niece and nephew as beneficiaries. When mom told me this she explained that this is what her aunt is doing for her 3 kids (her son lives with her too but has a job) and that one daughter is very upset at this. I bring this up b/c I am trying to figure out if this is all about the will and the total inequality of it. The fact that my brother doesn�t work and she buys his cigarettes and booze; and that at times she has given me a hard time about contributing a bottle of wine when we are together; the fact that I could be so �small� about this upsets me. I need help with my feelings here, why am I feeling this way? Is it just simply sibling rivalry and how do I get past this, if so?
My grandfather was a judge who took his own life in his fifties after my grandmother left him. There is alcoholism on both sides and I fear my brother is following in the steps of his 3 uncles. The worst part about my brother is that he is super intelligent and is wasting it with not working. My mom is super intelligent also but I fear has manipulated him. I do feel badly for my brother, he is the one who does not have a life without his mother and will be her caretaker. But on the other hand, he could have a job and a girlfriend (very good looking!) easily. I feel badly for him but he won�t discuss anything with me, he is usually drinking more when I am there which isn�t often and is sarcastic and cynical to me.
Help me understand what is going on here, please!