How to break the news?

larntzAugust 18, 2009

My dh and I have 2 sons, 11 and 17, both are good kids. DH is 40, I just turned 39. I work part-time at a hotel and am back in college full time. This summer we have been looking at colleges with our older ds. We don't have much money - things are always really tight. We live really close to dh's family, and they are all in the same boat, financially. My family lives several hours away, and we see them a few times a year, but we're not very close.

This weekend we went to my younger sister's wedding. On the drive home, I was carsick, which almost never happens. My dh had noticed a few other things, and when we got home he went out and bought a pregnancy test. That thing turned positive so quickly, I didn't believe it it could be right. There were two in the box, and both agree. So tomorrow I'm going to the doctor. I must be about 8 or 9 weeks along at this point. We'll know more soon.

The thing is, I don't know how to tell anyone. While this is a *very* unexpected thing for us, we want to be positive about it. I am hopeful that the boys will be okay with it. But we are both pretty sure that dh's family will be upset. They are good people, but sometimes say hurtful things without thinking about it. As much stress as we have all had with money lately, I worry that this will not go well. I'm sure I can't control what they say or feel, and that's fine. I'll deal with whatever, and one or two might even be happy. But all of the "you're finally done with babies" and "you'll never have to deal with THAT again" and "thank goodness you don't have to worry about college for three kids!" types of comments over the years make me nervous.

How do we tell them we're going to have another baby? What's the best way to let the close family know? I need really specific ideas for what to say, or how to present it. Any help is SO appreciated -- thanks!

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There really is no good way to tell them. Either they are going to say things about you getting pregnant to your face or behind your back. I'm sure you can see what the concerns are given your financial position (and age). How close are you to finishing college? You may want to point out that while you didn't plan this, you feel you and DH will be in a good position to provide well for your next child. Good luck with the pregnancy and in your family's reaction. I hope they are supportive.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 3:58PM
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tracystoke will be fine,i wouldnt care less about what your husbands family think,as long as your boys will be ok with it,then them are the only people that matters.dont worry about peoples comments ,i think its lovely, good luck with the pregnancy

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 1:10PM
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Tell your kids first and tell them the truth of the matter. That you were surprised but you are happy about it.
Don't tell DH parents until you have worked out the details of what you are going to do. If you haven't saved baby things check out used furniture and things. Network with friends and Tell them the same thing--you are surprised but pleased. See what they have that you could borrow and warn them that you don't want HD's parents to know before everything is settled. Work out what you are going to do about school and work.

When everything is set up present it as a complete package to DH's parents. You will have answered all their questions. If they give you a hard time. say--I can't cope with this right now and leave. No one has a right to say hurtful things to you and you don't have to take it. Don't say anything back--just leave. They will soon get the message.

You don't have to make excuses to anyone. Surprised and pleased should be the order of the day. You are not the first married couple to get such a surprise at this stage in your life. Many women are having children into their late 30's and 40's these days

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 12:09AM
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I agree about telling your sons first and explaining that it's a surprise and that you're both happy about it... after all, you don't want them to have resentment towards the baby.

As for your hubby's parents... who cares?? Really! It's your life and it's not like you're a teenager. You're 39 for crying out loud. A lot of women have babies at this age. My cousin started her family at 37 and has 2 kids.

I wouldn't stress out about what his family or others say because people talk about other people no matter what is said and done.

As for what you are going to do financially and school, etc., you, as a family, will figure out what is best. Not everything has to be brand new. A lot of people sell their baby furnishings online. See what you can borrow and buy secondhand clothes, etc. Put a little bit of money away every month for milk, diapers, etc., so that it won't be so hard financially when the time comes.

As for your son's college education, can't he get government loans/grants? Is he working now to help contribute to his education?

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 10:13AM
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Just keep it to yourselves for a while, until you are comfortable with the situation. Take time to think it through, make a plan. It will all fall into place, and you can let them all know about it.

All the best to you and bub.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 1:47AM
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You are both adults. You have supported yourselves and your children. You can never make everyone happy all of the time, so stop trying!! Go to the dr. and make sure that your in fact pregnant and it is not something else making the test turn positive. Then I would wait the standard 12 weeks into your pregnancy to tell everyone, starting with your children.

If anyone in your family makes comments about it then say something like well it was unexpected, but we are excited and wish you would keep your negative comments to yourself!

The ONLY way I could see your families being justifiably upset is if your borrowing money off of them to live.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2009 at 2:44PM
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