All these estranged parents...
I have read through most of these postings today, and a couple of things really stand out.
It seems that most of the people who are estranged from their children are obsessed with the idea that they are right and the child/significant other is wrong in their actions. If you want to mend fences, you should be less concerned about being right and most concerned with healing.
There also seems to be a great need to defend their point of view as well as a great concern about money.
I can tell you that reading through these, as an outsider, that I find myself really questioning the posters and seeing something in their posts that makes me feel sympathy toward the adult children.
This is particularly true in the money/will debates. If you are dead, you money is of no value to you. If you truly love your child, why would you care how they spent it (excluding drug/alcohol abuse) or even if the hated spouse had some say? I find it very telling that someone would rather have an act that would likely been seen as a final act of anger toward their child than let the oh so bad spouse have some money. The fact that you could even have this attitude tells me that other attitudes have spilled over to your children despite the claims of being such great parents.
I also find it very interesting that parents of adult children feel they have any say or should express any opinion to their adult children regarding money. Unless asked, you do not get an opinion. Even if you are providing shelter, etc. it is best if you keep your opinions to yourself if not asked. Supportive is not lecturing your child, it is accepting their choices unless they are abusive to you.
Someone once told me that love was an action and not a feeling. I suggest a lot less declaring your love and a lot more expressing it. You can be hurt by the actions and still act lovingly toward your child (and the spouse/significant other) that you don't really like.
I'm not saying that some of these children aren't acting like complete idiots and aren't totally ungrateful for all that is done, however, I think the focus needs to be turned toward healing and not proving you are right.
If a total stranger comes in here, reads through your side of the posts, and finds themself siding with the adult children (at times - not all the time), can you at least consider changing your POV long enough to heal?
I guarantee you that no matter how accurate your description of the situation is, the perception (and that is all that really matters) from the other side is far different.
And those with money issues, need to first imagine them giving every dime they have to the person they love so desperately and find a way to be happy they have it rather than resent it, or see it as rewarding bad behavior, etc. Money is almost always about control no matter what you say. If you can truly be happy seeing your child with all your money, with no resentment, then you DO truly love your child without expectation. Your child will sense this. It really isn't about the money.
Anyway -- just some thoughts. Do with them what you want.