Estrangement by daughter. My unusual story.

sunny12345August 23, 2013

My precious daughter is 32. I love her with all my heart. She has estranged herself from me to one degree or another the last eighteen years, and finally estranged herself completely the last few years.

My situation is not normal. I was incapable of being the mother I could have been because when she was a year old I was brain injured in a freak car accident. It was at a railroad crossing when the cross bars failed to come down. I stopped in time, but was rear ended by the guy behind me. Burlington Northern hired four attorneys to fight my case. His insurance company used their best attorney to fight my case. I met a paralegal from that insurance company years later and she told me it was a big case they did not want to lose. Their hired gun was the best neuropsychologist in the country.

My daughter knows nothing of my case and little about my injuries. Neither does my family, who have been extremely critical and unsupportive, saying I am fine and have nothing wrong with me. They like to make up their own versions of things. They also talk to my daughter.

A person can get ejected out of a window on impact. I was ejected straight up into the top of my car and hit the roof. This was before seat belt laws went into effect and I was not buckled in. My head, brain, spine and body took the upward impact. It crushed the rear quarter panel of my car so hard the hatchback was sprung open. It nearly broke my neck the same way a diver breaks their neck in shallow water. I am lucky to be alive. It took six months to find doctors to diagnose brain injury. They did nothing to help me. I was in horrible pain and could not think straight for almost thirty years as I slowly regained cognitive functioning. It was like coming out of a coma. But it took a long, long time.

The railroad and insurance company worked together to stall things so long I finally settled out of court for a small amount of money. It was devastating. My daughter has no idea the psychological trauma that put me through. How terrified I was of everything by the time it was all over. I was overly protective of her. To me the world was a frightening and dangerous place.

My injuries affected my personality and I had impaired judgement when I was raising her. I couldn't follow conversations, or remember things. I was distant and couldn't focus on the "now". I wasn't very functional when words did come out. I had to keep asking, "do you understand me?" I lectured her for long periods of time, repeating things over and over again. I was in horrible, horrible pain. I had no recollection of my childhood and couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. I needed help. I was a single mother who desperately needed caregiving and help with my child.

My husband had abandon me and refused to pay child support. I had no college education. It was unbearably hard. I worked with a lot of difficulty on the job. I floated around in a large company, so that was very helpful. But employment was really hard. All I could do is cling to God as I knew him. And that probably offended her too. I was not consistent in anything, including my faith. I remarried again. He was a real a jerk and that marriage soon failed. My poor daughter went through all this.

So when she turned fourteen she found friends to share her unhappiness with. She told me they became her family and she felt no real bond with me. That was crushing.

My family talks to her. They never tell me anything. My mother slipped and said she "suspects" my daughter is offended that I spend 45 minutes explaining things. That was part of my brain injury. I can't recognize facial expressions very well. So I went to a speech therapist who helped me figure out social cues from voice intonation. That is a huge step forward and it is the first help I ever got with my brain injury.

The desire to run to my daughter and explain I am better is overwhelming. I fear she would just ignore me or tell me whe will never talk to me again. I asked my daughter several years ago if she would go to a counselor with me and a neurologist. She said no.

I feel I never had a chance to be a parent. It is like coming out of a coma to find your child hates you. I am trying to put together a new life. I have lost my career and home based business because of the estrangement. I am impoverished and totally crushed. I am devastated every day at how hard I worked to get well, and in the process lost my child. Whom I love with all my heart.

Where is my little girl? I don't know. It's like she died.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Not sure how being estranged from your adult child made you lose you career and business....

Your "little girl" did NOT die (what an odd thing to say!)... she simply grew up!

As a TBI myself, I know how you struggle. It is very difficult!

    Bookmark   August 23, 2013 at 2:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am so very sorry you're going through this. I have a family member who had a TBI. It's a very difficult thing for everyone to go through. I have no advice, but you have my complete sympathy. I hope things get better for you and I hope you have a good TBI support group and a good church group to support you.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2013 at 4:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Saying it feels like your child has died is NOT an odd thing to say, I understand because estrangement from a daughter feels like a death. The pain and deep, deep intense grief is unspeakable, it feels like a death.

@sunny12345 I wish for you to have peace and healing, our situations are similar in some ways, I have C-PTSD and that has definitely informed my parenting in ways that were not always ideal. I'm so glad that you are improving! I can't imagine being in so much pain and not being able to communicate well for so long, it must have been so hard to parent that way. I would do all you can to help your daughter understand what happened to you. I think the idea of a joint meeting with a counselor and neurologist is a great idea, keep trying! Hang in there, clearly you are a strong woman and I think there is an excellent chance that some day your daughter will see and understand this and come back to you.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2013 at 1:22PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My heart goes out to you and your story of such devastation All I know to say is that God hears you as you pray and God helps those who help themselves..Which you certainly continue to do. Do not give up on your daughter Compassion is a solidarity for some and for others, it is only shared alone.. I am so sorry that your family did not see and feel how horrible this accident was for you, together with love. Maybe if you start keeping a journal and write your feelings down then your daughter will come across it, as well as others. And by a better understanding of your words as you write your feelings will be there for her to see. You wrote beautifully in here
Maybe it is worth a try...God Bless you

    Bookmark   November 15, 2013 at 11:44AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Its life anything can happen. You don’t worry at all it’s all already written before just take care of her, god bless.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2013 at 2:46AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Need iOS app for my kids.
I bought an iPad for my kids. Please guys suggest me...
Abusive Adult Children
I dont know how much more I can take. I have a 30 yo...
I don't trust future son-in-law, what should I do?
My daughter is old enough to be his mother. I have...
My 21 year old daughter
My daughter has her first boyfriend at 21. Now she...
estrangement from adult children
There seems to be a very common thread with all these...
Sponsored Products
True Grit Framed Movie Print
$149.00 | FRONTGATE
"Daughter You Mean The World To Me" Box - MULTI COLORS
$265.00 | Horchow
Stolzl Plate 106 Rug
Design Within Reach
Mother & Daughter Nesting Tables - Set of 2
| Dot & Bo
Vipp Trash Bin, Medium
Design Within Reach
Modloft | Worth Bed
Spool Pendant Light in Black
$99.00 | LexMod
Foscarini | Ellepi Wall / Ceiling Light
$941.00 | YLighting
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™