why is she still chosing him?

mom2emallJuly 29, 2007

My sister and I are very close. She met a guy, with a bad past. She listened to nobody regarding his past. Then she got pregnant. He went to rehab (after stealing her car and debit card and going on a few day drug binge) and she was convinced that when he got out they would be a perfect family!

He got out, did good for a few weeks and then stole her credit cards and disappeared again. He ran those up and she had to again dispuit charges with card companies. She said she was done. A little while later he was living with her again. All this time she is pregnant and working full-time (40+ hours a week) and he has no job and she supports him. I tried telling her not to trust him, that she has to think of what is best for this baby on the way. She tells me that its her life, she is not a fool, blablabla. Not too long after that he again steals money and takes off. This was after she saw text messages between him and his ex saying "i love you" and all that stuff.

That was a few months ago. She recently had their baby, which he did not show up to the hospital for (thought he knew she was in labor). (he already has 2 kids by other girls that he does not take care of and has gone to jail for not paying child support on) The other day he was staying at her house again!!!! I am so upset that I do not know what to do! My sister is on un-paid maternity leave and can not afford for him to steal from her again! What possesses her to fall for him again?!? She knows that he is a loser--whenever our family asks her about this guy she changes the subject. I am the only one in our family that has ever met him, so this shows that she is embarasses of him and knows he is no good. Any ideas on how to handle this?

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finedreams

Hi,
it sounds like your sister is a case of "a woman who loves too much".

These women have low self esteem and don't believe they deserve any better, they choose wrong man. They think that if only they try harder, work more, accommodate their men better, men will love them and change for them.

Then these women become addicted to pain and look for abusive men so they continue to experience pain. Pain is all they know, so it is a familar feeling for them.

There is this book "Women who love too much" written by a psychologist. maybe you can suggest it for her, it is a good book.

I always date wrong men, nothing criminal or abusive, but I am never a priority. So i can realte to her attempts to stay with him and try to change him.

Good luck to you!

    Bookmark   July 29, 2007 at 8:55PM
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sherheart

dear mom2emall, It isn't your problem to handle. I know that sounds harsh but your sister is a grown woman and whatever she decides to do....or whomever she decides to love, is HER problem. I know you care about her and you are worried sick about her but other than listening and being there for her when she needs you, you really can DO very little else. I am learning this lesson as well with my adult children and it is not an easy task to accomplish. As a family, we are programmed to HELP each other, but sometimes all we can really DO, is be quiet and let THEM figure out the solutions to their life problems. Your sister does not sound mentally incapable. Only guilty of loving the wrong man. That "love" will fade soon enough and then she will be ready to ask you for advice and to move on with her life. You sound like a wonderful sister. She is lucky to have you.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2007 at 9:03AM
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blizlady

Wow, you could be talking about my daughter!! I wrote a bit on the thread about parents with estranged adult children, because my daughter is back with her abusive boyfriend who is a habitual criminal and just got out of prision. Luckily he didn't steal her credit card, but he stole someone elses which landed him back in prison for the 7th or 8th time. He also has children with one ex-wife and another ex-girlfriend besides my daughter, but my daughter won't ask for child support because she feels sorry for him having to pay support for 3 other children! I could go on, but my story is pretty much the same.

sherheart, I agree somewhat with your response, but although I know there is nothing I can do - she is an adult and chose this loser - I have grandchildren to consider who will be affected by this man's physical and emotional abuse. It's hard to just let go, especially knowing he is being manipulative. But she's shunning my husband and I right now anyway, but for our grandchildren's sake, I know she needs help.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2007 at 9:22PM
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beentheredonethatmom

A lot of us gals are attracted to those 'bad boys'. And a lot of those 'bad boys' can be pretty charming and even nice at times. This fellow has obviously captured her heart for most likely a bunch of reasons....some good and some bad. He may be 'misunderstood', she may have 'low self-esteem'. She may need whatever financial assitance she can get from him.....if she gets any....and doesn't want to alienate him. She may be afraid of him. He may be great in bed :) Whatever the reasons, as everyone else has said already, she'll have to work through this one herself and all you can do is be a caring listener and help pick up the pieces as they fall. I have been going through this with our eldest daughter, now 36, for about 6 years........now in the throes of divorce.

It hurts so to watch them make mistake after mistake, showing such poor judgement. But experience is the best teacher as painful as it can be. And, some times I really believe that it all had to happen, was God's plan all along, that she should pair up with her soon-to-be X because they produced the most wonderful little human being, now 4..........a delightful, adorable, little guy that we will all treasue forever. At least one really great thing came out of the whole mess!!! Good luck and God bless.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2007 at 9:14AM
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