16 year old daughter and boyfriend

samwithnoclueJuly 17, 2009

Okay... I've seen some real issues that ppl are having with their teenagers, so mine may seem a little lame to some. My 16 yr old daughter has a boyfriend. She's on the phone with him constantly,(sometimes until way early in the morning!) and when not on the phone, she is wanting to "hang out" either at his house or ours. Neither has their license, so they depend on us or his parents. I do not mind for them to spend time together--BUT...they don't really DO anything except what they call "hanging out" I just walked by the room where they are watching a movie, and they are sitting almost on top of each other. Seems like every time I turn around I catch them in a liplock. It turns my stomach. To me, it's just asking for trouble. I know that this kid most likely won't last when school starts back (I'm hoping she sees the light!!)I would like to give them ideas of things to do so they don't feel like all there is to do is hang all over each other. I need advice, before I really blow my top. I remember having guy friends at this age, but I was all about being with the girls--any advice will be welcomed!!


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Just give her a huge supply of condoms,dont think this is encouraging them to have sex,my bet is they are anyway,my sister in law recently was going through the same thing with her 16 year old son.I told her to give him some condoms,her reply was NO that will mean im encouraging him,after lots of descussion she put some in his room,personally i would of gave them to him and had a chat,anyway the condoms in his room went down quickly and my sis in law is just happy now that he is being sensible,no matter what ideas you sugest for them to do,they are only interested in eachother im afraid,I know its horrifying but they are growing up and us parents cant stop that,

    Bookmark   July 17, 2009 at 5:28PM
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Gutless parents. Sorry. True.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2009 at 8:52PM
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Not ALL 16 years old are having sex! I had boyfriends at that age and didn't have sex. My opinion is, how can they if you don't give them the opportunity to do it by not allowing them to be ALONE TOGETHER. When my 15 year old daughter had a boyfriend, she was only allowed to go out with him at school dances, movies, and the mall. She wasn't allowed at his place or he at our house. We, her dad and I, encouraged her to do things without him so that she wouldn't get too consumed with him... as you know a lot of young girls do!

Why not give them some type of chore to do together? Paint something.

I wouldn't allow "all night" telephone conversations either. At that age, I had a "telephone curfew" and so does my daughter.

Do you know how they are being "monitored" at his house?

Have you ever spoken to her (together with her mother) about what it would be like to get pregnant at this young? how her future goals would be gone? What virginity means? About what it would do to her reputation? What guys that age are all about...puberty, horniness, most are out for just one thing and then move on, most guys are too young to get serious, they just want to have fun... etc. It's especially important for her dad to talk about the guys cuz he's one and I'm sure you could tell her a few "tricks" guys do/say to get a girl... especially the "I love you" part..."If you really care about me"..."if you don't, we're over"...etc. How/what guys think about girls who are "easy" and those who have curfews/strict rules (they are respected more). How guys want "easy" girls for good times, but "respectable" girls for commitment. How some guys, when they do a girl really likes them, will see how far they can get with her and then drop her. Talk to his friends about her, and then how his friends will want to go out with her to see if they can get "something" too. Tada... bad reputation!

How long have they been going out together?

If you feel uneasy about talking to her..REALLY TALK to her... just think that this is your only shot to get through to her. If you don't, then you can't say you tried your best. This is the one conversation "gift" that is the most important in her life. It's worth a shot!

Ask her about her feelings for him. This way, you'll know where she is emotionally and how mature she is about this stuff.

Try to get her involved in other things with some of her closest girlfriends doing "girl stuff". Reminding her about how much fun she could still have without him.

Also remind her about what is truly important in life for her to HAVE A GOOD LIFE. Education, independance (no babies), good job, money, travel, etc. How a little sacrifice NOW could pay off in the future. Remind her of the dreams she has or had for herself before he came along. How she can still have those dreams with him in her life but not "destroy" her life in the mean time (hope u get what I'm trying to say here LOL).

Good luck! Hope this helps you a little bit.

We've had these talks with our daughter (now 17 1/2). She tries to pass on her "knowledge" to her best friend who is "boy crazy". LOL Just today... my daughter told me that she had a convo with her friend who said she didn't want to live on campus when she goes to university cuz she doesn't want to get pregnant when she parties. My daughter explained to her that she doesn't have to have sex when she goes to a party or drinks LOL I've known this girl since she was 4. She and her mother don't talk at all!! and it shows.

IMO, just giving kids condomns is not putting an effort in trying to help your kids. It's taking the easy way out. Not bothering to take the time.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2009 at 10:06PM
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Excellent advice Khandi.

You just have to TALK to them. Do you know the boy's parents?

Have a few rules and stick to them.

They grow up really fast and soon you won't be in such a panic state. Communication is the key to getting through this time.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 2:48AM
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Khandi, excellent post. tracy, you're right in that we can't stop them from growing up, but it's our responsibility to help them grow up right with the right values, to be able to make appropriate decisions and judgements,and launch them into the world prepared to continue their growth and maturing.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 8:55AM
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Yes it is our responsibility to do all those things,you can bring your kids up the best possible but that doesnt mean they are not going to have sex,two of my friends had abortions at 14 and I remember the brainy girl of the class,teachers pet having a baby at 16, everyone was shocked.my daughter is twelve,not yet into boys i have already had the sex talk with her.Iwouldnt be happy if at 16 she was having sex but if she were id make sure it was safe sex.there are too many kids having kids ,its terrible.In my country the legal age to have sex is 16,so they dont think there is any wrong in it.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 10:15AM
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True, you can do your best and your kids will do whatever they want. But, in my opinion, not all "sex talks" are the same. Some parents leave out a great deal. The "sex talk" entails so much info that the "talk" needs to be addressed many times over the years, not just once or twice... and not just about making babies, STDs, etc... but about values and self respect, etc.

My daughter sees what having sex at a young age can do to your life through her cousins... one got pregnant young and all her "life plans" are kapput, while her sister's life is full of adventure, etc... another cousin has had 4 abortions and is only 21... another is busy trying to grow up and raise a toddler and is having a hard time with no education, etc. My daughter wants none of it for herself and is concentrating on her education and her future. So far so good! Not long ago, she told me that she thought having a boyfriend at this young age is pointless because your life changes when you go to university/college, start your career, etc., so why take a chance on ruining it forever when there is really no "future" with immature guys at this age. LOL She wants to work and travel so much that sex right now is not even on her list cuz it can jeopardize everything she wants for herself. I keep reminding her cuz it's easier said than done. My niece thought the same thing at that age until she got her first boyfriend (grade 12) and thought she was in love. He was "it". LOL She's 26 now, university graduate, has a good job, no babies, and just started a serious relationship with a man (a little over a year).

So all in all, you have a really good talk to her. No holds barred... so to speak... every now and then as a reminder.. and hope for the best. (My daughter keeps telling me "Mom, you've told me this already so many times!" and I keep telling her "I know but I'm just reminding you just in case." LOL

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 12:01PM
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Well said Khandi --

"The sex talk" is as much a misnomer as "the math lesson". It really needs to be a whole series of conversations held several times over several years. There are issues about health, self-esteem, relationships, popularity and social status, reputation, bragging and 'keeping score', emotional health, life goals, pregnancy prevention, abortion, religious views -- SO MANY different considerations!

But some of the biggest, in my opinion, are the "How to say no" and the "When to say yes" discussions.

The "When to say yes" discussions are so important, and so often neglected. Because at some point, all of our kids will make the decision to say "yes" to having sex. And as responsible parents, we want to be able to shape that decision to reflect our greater life experience and values. So we need to actually do that! Because the one thing that's pretty certain is that when our teens DO decide to have sex, we're not going to be there to give them the advice they need. It might be when they're 25 and getting married. It might be when they're 18 and well into their first semi-adult relationship. It might be when they're 16 and feeling pressured. It might be when they're 14 and that cute boy says he might date her if...

But if all the advice they ever get on that score is "Wait!" or "When you're married" -- then for most teens, that's no use at all, because it doesn't relate to their real lives.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2009 at 12:33PM
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My best friend found her first boyfriend at the age and pretty much dropped all her friends to spend time with him.

In a nutshell -- you are her parent and she is a child. I see no problem with limited the time she spends on the phone (is it not your house???) and the time they spend together. Encourage her to spend time with friends and her hobbies as well. Doesn't mean she has to give him up but what you're describing at age 16 doesn't sound good.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 9:20AM
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My DS had his first girlfriend last year, both kids were 15. I limited how many times a week they could see each other to 2-3, depending on what they were doing. If they were doing some activity I was fine with 3, but just at each other's homes, only 2. The girl's parents were good with communication and spoke to me every time we dropped off/picked up each other's kid. The first time she was just straight up with me and said "The kids will never be alone together at our house, and we expect it to be the same at your house. If you can't be there, neither can she." I appreciated that, b/c I had the same rule. Their "dates" included being dropped for a couple hours at public places: a movie, the ice rink, mall, pool, and (thrill of thrills) her church's teen nights.

We have a unique situation to ensure chaperoning. My teenagers has 3 younger siblings. You just don't get a vacant room at this house. Watching a movie means watching it family style. These teens were NEVER alone! LOL.

The relationship is over now, consists of only friendly texts every few weeks.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 2:14PM
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You guys are living in some utopia if you think your kids won't have sex if you don't leave them alone at home. The reality is that all you can do as a parent is to try to impart your values, talk to them open and honestly about sex, and have a good relationship with your children so that if and when they do decide to have sex, they will tell you and you can help them be safe. If a child decides to have sex, they will always find a time and place, even if that means lying, cutting school, at a friend's house, at a party, doing it in a bathroom somewhere, in a public place, etc. Please do not wear blinders. This is too important an issue.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 11:43PM
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My point exactly,they dont need a bedroom to have sex.My own parents first time was outdoors in the snow.If kids are gona have sex they will find a way.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 3:30AM
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"so that if and when they do decide to have sex, they will tell you and you can help them be safe."

If you're waiting for them to tell you before ensuring that they are 'safe', then you're missing the boat!
Every teen should have some condoms, just so if they DO decide to say 'yes', it doesn't result in an STD or unwanted pregnancy. For girls, I'd go a step further and bring them to the Gyno for a consultation and possible prescription birth control -- the consequences are just too serious! At the same time, they need to know HOW to say 'no' and WHEN to say 'no.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 10:39AM
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sweeby, I agree with you on the condoms. A child should know about them. I will not supply them to my DD however until she tells me she is considering sex. I'm not just going to give my DD condoms as soon as she turns 13 or starts dating. That is why its important to have a good open relationship with your teen. If a child is considering having sex, it should be something discussed with the parent. When that convo occurs, not only will DD have a ready supply of condoms, but I will be getting her on birth control. Not everyone is going to agree with my modern day parenting approach, though. Different generational thinking.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 11:54AM
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So if she skips the conversation, she doesn't get any condoms?

I bought a small box for my son when he was 14. He was way too early to be having sex (interested in girls, but still way too awkward and shy to get into a relationship) and I told him so. But that sex was something we needed to talk about, and that condoms were something he needed to have in case he (or a friend) ever found themselves in a position where they needed one.

It's one thing to make a poor decision about having sex too young --
but it's in a whole 'nother league when an STD or pregnancy is the result.

Incidentally, we had refresher talks several times over the next few years, and a fresh box pre-prom along with another talk about relationships and good decisions -- his and others'.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 7:36PM
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I don't think she will skip the conversation so I think I will know. DD is only 10 and has been coming to me for 2 years now with questions about sex. Hopefully that doesn't change. If it does, then I will find an appropriate time based on what I see to provide some, and it wont be some arbitrary age. And if it happens before, DD knows that she should have sex with a condom whether I provide it or not, so no condom no sex. But here's hoping the reality is at least 8 years off. lol

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 3:32PM
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I was glued to my BF at that age. He was a great guy, and my parents really liked him. Our parents knew we weren't having sex and weren't about to (my mom had cancer when I was a teen, and the last thing I wanted was any additional stress in my life - I was smart enough to know that sex was potentially stressful).

Anyhow, my BF was often invited over to supper (we had to help prepare it or help with dishes). He came along on family outings to the grandparents', etc. If I was assigned something like raking the leaves, he could come over to help me, and we could flirt and kiss in the yard, as long as the leaves got raked. We walked the dogs together. We did homework at the dining room table. Many of these were my mom's suggestions because they were something to do other than just cuddle on the couch and make out.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2009 at 9:22PM
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Hi I'm 16 and know all about it! All you parents think you can just talk to your kids keep them to limited time with there boyfriends and have there trust to go to the moves malls ect.. but strict parents only make sneaky kids leaving the places they say they are parents don't really know what they are doing unless they are there to watch them summer school its not hard To leave and meet up with a guy and do stupid things... its not really in the parents control when their son/ daughter is going to give up their purity. Do you really think our generation is that stupid we do have brains not always doing the smartest thing but we do know what's right and wrong trust me I have done everthing my parents thought they could prevent from happing condoms are something u should give ur kids no matter how much u think u trust them or before u know it they will be teen moms/ dads witch could have been easily prevented but its better to give protection because we don't always think before we get warped up and there's nothing u can do after!! That one kiss that goes too far might be the one that changes their whole life!!! Think about it.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2013 at 4:14AM
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