HELP Is it ok for 10 yr olds?

plays_in_the_dirtJuly 17, 2006

My 10 yr old daughter has a boyfriend, who invited her(along with me)to come to his house and visit.They are both 10. Is that ok for kids their age, or too much too fast? Would it be a date? I always said(i have 2 girls, 10 & 8)I wouldn't let them date til age 15. Am I making it too much of a big deal or should I just say no?

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I would make sure that the parents of the boy knew you were invitited, before you considered going.

How about you ask the boy to your house.

They are children...I dont think it will lead to anything.

These days children see all this adult behaviour in movies, they seem to grow up too quickly, its such a shame. But as parents we have to deal with it.

I would wait and see what happens, work out your code of behaviour on what is acceptable for you and your daughter, and stick to it.

Remember you are the boss!

All the best.

I have a 19 year old daughter, and I know what you are going through.


    Bookmark   July 18, 2006 at 3:56AM
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Well when I was 11 I had a "boyfriend" but it was basically sitting at the lunch table together and going to movies with our group of friends. It's probably a harmless infatuation, but I hear stories of kids today.... and I am scared! I have a 4yr old DD and I know my DH won't be letting her out of the house...ever. I would talk to his parents before going anywhere.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2006 at 10:56AM
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Sounds like a play date. Does the other mom know you are coming? I assume you will visit while the kids do something else, boards games, a movie on TV?

    Bookmark   July 18, 2006 at 12:01PM
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Am I missing something? When did it become o.k. for a 10-year old girl or boy for that matter to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

This is what is wrong with parents today, they let their kids grow up too fast and when they start being disrespectful, using drugs, and lying and stealing to get what they want the parents wonder "where did they go wrong".

Times have changed a lot in the last 40 or 50 years. Nothing is innocent anymore and although you migh think it's cute for her to have a boyfriend, you are instilling the wrong values in your kid.

She is not mature enough to deal with a boyfriend. I am aware girls that age will have a crush on boys or kids they see on t.v., but that's as far as it should go.

Your daughter is 10 years old, not 16. Even at 16 and dating it's a lot to deal with. Hell, even at 30 or 40 it's not a picnic.

They must have the maturity to deal with break-up, peer pressure, and all that goes with that including sex. And don't think the thought of sex doesn't cross a 10 year old's mind. They see sex on music videos, cartoons, billboards, etc. You had better wake up and fast.

Let your little girl be a kid.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2006 at 12:07PM
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Kids have friends and even kindergardeners have boy friends and girl friends....what's the problem? Should children only have same sex friends until they become engaged? Nonsense!!
Go meet the parents, let the kids play, invite them to your house...Don't try to make something dirty out of a friendship.
Linda C

    Bookmark   July 20, 2006 at 1:46PM
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Linda C,

I don't know what world you live in but I live in the world of REALITY, O.K.

There is a difference between a "boy" who is a friend and a "boyfriend". There are kids having sex as young as 11 years old.

No, children should not just have same sex friends. That's rediculous to even suggest that. Children should however be given strong moral values.

To allow a 10-year old child to have a relationship with antoher child of the opposite sex and classify it as somthing other than "friendship" is wrong anyway you look at it.

Now if you feel I'm making something dirty out of this, that's your opinion and one which I do not share. As I said, I live in the real world. Maybe you should try it.

Perhaps you should do some investigation on your own regarding teen pregnancy and how more youth today do not abstain from sex. Perhaps you should look at stats on drug use and dropout rates among youth. Perhaps you should take your head out of the sand.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2006 at 6:12PM
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Having been through this age recently with two kids, now 14 and 15, I can tell you that at age 10, the maturity level (physical and emotional) varies wildly. My children were very childlike both physically and behaviorally, while other kids were wearing bras (needed!), makeup, mooning over the opposite sex, dressing in a provocative fashion, etc. The individual child needs to be taken into consideration.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2006 at 11:33PM
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And those to whom contact and friendship with the opposite sex is denied until ready for "serious dating" are the ones getting pregnant at 13.
10 year olds can vary widely in maturity, but by not "allowing" a boyfriend....or boy friend you will only be driving the friendship under ground.
Now, having said that, I would not be allowing sleepovers nor time together away from adults or other kids.....but I would not allow that with a couple of 16 year olds!

I repeat what I said in my earlier post, don't make something dirty out of a friendship....and yes I know about "rainbow parties" and other young teen activities. But you were asked to bring your daughter and visit at his house. That's a date for sure....just as it's a date when you get together with other mothers to allow your 2 year olds to be together.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2006 at 12:04PM
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I agree entirely with Linda. I am the mother of 9 & 10 year olds and my 9 year old has had "girlfriends" since kindergarten. He picks a new one every year or two and she is always just one of his best friends that happens to be a girl. His kindergarten "girlfriend" he had for 2 years and planned to marry her one day and even change his last name to hers because it sounded better that way. He said she was a perfect woman because "She didn't like pink and didn't own any Barbie Dolls!" She was a self proclaimed Tom-boy. There is nothing dirty about these relationships at all. He is totally grossed out when he sees people kissing in movies. To him "girlfriend" is just his best friend of the opposited sex and it's the one he likes better than all of the others. He does treat the girlfriends a little different -- he opens doors for them, helps them with their coats at recess, buys them Christmas gifts and just does little nice things for them. But he does nice things for all of his really good friends.

My MIL refused to allow my SIL to have boyfriends until she was 16 years old --- she thought it was totally inappropriate at any age younger than that so it was forbidden. My SIL used to beg her mom to let her ride home from church with a boy that she liked when she was 15 and he was 16 (they would have driven right behind my MIL and gone straight home), but my MIL would not allow this. SIL's best friend was allowed to do this with her boyfriend at the time and my MIL used to always talk about how inappropriate this was and would only lead to trouble. Well, soon after turning 16 my SIL was allowed to date and have boyfriends. She became pregnant about 4 months later. And the "inappropriate best friend" finished high school and college, then got married.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2006 at 8:26PM
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WOW Thanks for the input.
dlynn, that's exactly what my MIL said and I was kindof shocked to hear that from her.But... I agree.
And, I was never saying it would be an unsupervised visit. I was going and planned to stay the whole time.I think it's good to meet her friends,boy or girl.
And, we are teaching our children values.
I do understand my daughter is still a child and has alot of growing and learning to do.But, she is starting to grow up and as someone said above children do at different rates.The same rules don't always apply to all the people, at the same times.She is a smart girl and her friend seems like a sweet little boy,you never know if you don't get to know them!
I really appreciate everyones opinion. I understand both, agrees and disagrees.
We have planned to met next weekend.(If time permits we have back to school shopping to tackle)

    Bookmark   July 24, 2006 at 10:10AM
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It sounds like just a friendship, harmless as a fly. The girl used the word "boyfriend", but maybe she meant it in the two-word sense.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2006 at 9:22AM
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Huh, I am from India and we never had a concept called dating or girlfriend. I had lots of friends both boys and girls. We all used to play together. We used to go at each other's houses and eat and play. We never thought of marriage or sex. One girl was my best friend till I was 17. After that her father changed job and they moved. We kept in touch with mail, but now we both are married saperatly. We all meet each other sometimes.
These will be new types of problems for our next generation to tackle as now I am in US.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2006 at 9:46PM
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I don't understand one thing. What is the difference in going for dinner and going for dinner on date?
I see in movies whenever someone says lets go out for dinner, then other says, is it on date? What is the difference between just going to their house and going to their house as date?
What is the big deal about DATE? Help me try to understand it better.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2006 at 11:40AM
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Nicehubby, get ready for some culture shock! It sounds like you come from a fairly traditional Indian family so you were probably raised with a lot higher standard than what is now mainstream American (or Canadian) culture.

The difference between going for dinner and going for dinner as a 'date' (as adults) is this (I'll use examples so it's a little clearer).

Two co-workers go to dinner...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, they've both had a good time, they've bonded (like friends), they say good night. The next day at work everything is still normal because they know how to respond to each other.


Two co-workers go to dinner, only this time it's a 'date' (which indicates that there is romantic interest)...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, if they've both had a good time, because it was a date, they may or may not say good night. Depending on the values of the people involved it may end with a romantic gesture (such as being walked to the door) or it may end in sex.

Dating used to be known as 'courting' (a long time ago now) and was used for the purpose of deciding who you wanted to marry. However, now it is what I would consider to be recreational. Many people who go on dates have little or no interest in finding a spouse. They 'go out' because it is fun or exciting, and out of a desire to feel romantic closeness (and physical intamacy) without needing to make a long term commitment to that person. Hope this explains it a little bit for you.

About the issue of whether or not to let a child have a boyfriend/girlfiend...

My personal thoughts are this.

It's great to let kids have friends from both genders, however I would discourage the use of words like 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. While to some it may seem cute, when they're eight or ten, the reality is that by the time the reach eleven or twelve, there is pressure to play spin the bottle, etc. By the time I was in grade six, some of the 'kids' parties involved alcohol and getting locked in a closet to kiss or more. I never went to these parties...M&D wouldn't allow it...and I completely understand now. It was the parents who thought it was 'cute' that thier young children were going on 'dates', that were having these co-ed overnight parties that were, for all intents and purposes, unchaperoned. By the time I graduated half the girls in my class had dropped out because of pregnancy.

It's great for children to play with lots of kids their own age...but we have to remember as parents, that children have a natural innocent curiosity (I'll show you mine if you show me yours...etc.) and that when you pair that with the barage of sexually charged media they see at a very young age, it will impact them. At ten years old she may say this is my 'boyfriend' and they just play together like two best friends, but in another two years her friends and classmates will start teasing and pushing her to kiss or ... whoever her boyfriend is then.
Kids, especially girls, get a lot of pressure to grow up, be sexy, wear makeup, act like adults. And girls, especially those in Jr. High (grade 6-9) can be cruel to those who don't fit in...

Know who your children hang out with, know their parents. Let the parents know what your standards are, and that if they won't ensure your child is held to that standard while at their house, then you would prefer if their child came to yours instead. I'm a firm believer in no closed doors (and computers in high trafic areas), and that no matter how good of friends they are, boys and girls don't get to have sleep overs-together. I do think that it's important to still educate your children though...because there is truth in that the more sheltered child is, if they rebel or find themself in a situation without supervision, more likely to end up in trouble.

My parents had very high standards, and didn't allow me to be in a position to become pregnant while I was in their care, but when I graduated I rebeled and moved out. I was completely clueless to the risks out there. I understood about condoms to prevent pregnancy, but I had no idea about STDs, date rape drugs, etc. Fortunatley for me, my sister took me under her wing (she was raised completely differently, by her mom) and gave me a quick education on the risks 'out there'. If not for her, my life could have been very different.
I think the biggest challenge I will face with my children, is leaning how to protect them, while still educating them in time, to the dangers that are out there.
And no, there won't be any little 'girlfriends'.

My $0.02

    Bookmark   July 31, 2006 at 3:58PM
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Thanks a lot Verena. I am stunned, I feel like running away and go back to India. But we are all westernizing and might have to face the same in India too.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2006 at 6:39PM
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Last weekend my daughter was invited to go to a back 2 school BBQ, and we went. They played games,and had fun.And I would be willing to go visit some more.
I think it is ok for children to have so called boy/girl friends.I remember having one at her age,however we didn't do get togethers.And I try to be very honest with my girls(as they become age appropriate)we discuss things.Since this one little boy, and one before we talked about several things.One other little boy a while back while at a school dance wanted her to kiss him and she wouldn't and he was mean to her and took back a stuffed animal he had given her.Well I told her I was proud of her for telling him no and that that was the right thing to do.And that he was wrong for being mean to her for saying no.And also that boys will often want you to kiss..or whatever, and the will be mean when you do and when you don't.So the best thing to do is make a decision that makes you happy and feel good.And by the way I didn't send her with him her and her friends go together.
But I think she needs to learn that she is going to be faced with alot of things other people are going to be doing and we don't want our children to do, we have to be willing to let them know about those things and ways to handle it in the right way.We can't save them from everything we've got to teach them how to start down that road where one day it's gonna be up to them,and they are going to do what's right because we have communicated about what is and isn't acceptable and why.
And she's not being put in a situation where they are alone or able to get in trouble.They had to be outside insight.
And I wasn't ever doing the over night thing thats all something ya'll came up with.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2006 at 8:59AM
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