daugther and first born?

cmcgaha2012July 22, 2013

We are blessed to have 8 grandchildren and a new granddaughter due every day. This last one is a bit different, in it my husbands youngest daughter, the baby. Her boyfriend and her have had an on-off relationship the entire pregnancy which caused her to move home a few months ago. We have helped her make a nursery, get things she needed for baby, make sure she went to doctors appt's and had vitamins, etc she may need. BF has yet to pay a copay to doctor, or buy one item for the baby. None of his family came to baby shower nor have they done anything. About a month ago the BF and her got back together and since our daughter has been staying with him at his mothers. He is 25 and lives with mom (divorced with 2 other children). She knows that none of her family "approves" of him but we have all made steps to ensure he will be around us and not pull her away from her family -even paying for them to go on family vacation with us.
The concern I have is that our daughter calls me for everything, every pain she may have, every question she may have as things get closer. I am thrilled that she relies on my for her comfort. Up until they reunited this last time, I was in no doubt going to be there for labor and delivery for her. Now she is telling all her family that she only wants the BF in room with her - my feelings are beyond hurt. First, I know that she needs someone with her that will encourage and help her and he is all about himself - he has no interest in doing what is right for our daughter. Second, we have done everything for this child, not that should allow of preferential treatment or was done for this purpose, but to see and know that the father has not lifted a finger to do anything for this baby - even now, 3 days before her delivery, we are at our house working on nursery, washing all the clothes, putting together bassinets, for him to be sitting at his moms letting her wait on him. I just feel like I should say something to her about my feelings but I also dont want to be stingy or cause her more stress during this last week. But - I also feel like her dad and I are getting tosses to the side for this guy that we all feel certain will be gone in a week -and I know our daughter cannot get that time back and will regret pushing her family to the side.
Any suggestions or advice?

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I replied to your other post. Stay out of it, it is her decision, you will only alienate your daughter.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2013 at 5:36PM
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While your intentions were good, I think you've done too much for your daughter and encouraged "learned helplessness." This is an unhealthy dependence.

Because you've always been there to pick up the slack, she doesn't need anything from the BF except to occupy her bed. Neither of them will achieve maturity until they're forced to do for themselves.

I also think she has come to take you for granted; the result is she'll use your services without necessarily feeling any true gratitude or appreciation.

She's not "the baby" any more and it's a disservice to her and her BF long-term if they aren't given the opportunity to grow into responsible adulthood.

So while I know it's hard, it's best to back off.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2013 at 8:58PM
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"even now, 3 days before her delivery, we are at our house working on nursery, washing all the clothes, putting together bassinets,"

Why... when she does not even live with you?
Force your way into her life, and she will cut you out of it.

"This last one is a bit different, in it my husbands youngest daughter, the baby."
So, you are not her mother. Without knowing any more than you said, perhaps she does not want you there for that reason.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2013 at 9:31PM
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Thanks for the input. She does live with us - supposedly even though she has been staying with her boyfriend and his mom for the last month - she has a nursery fixed up at our house and has asked me to take a few days off to help her as well. I know that we enable her, just hard to see her going through this pregnancy and not realizing what she is taking on - she is clueless what it will take to be a parent.
As far as her mother, she has not seen her mother since she was 12 years old - I am the closest thing to one she has ever known...but I understand that will never make me her mother or fill that void I know she has.
well see what happens tomorrow when she is at the point of labor and birth - I will be there for her however she wants me to be...and deal with it, I just know that you dont get these moments back and I dont want her making poor decisions because she is afraid of upsetting bf, which is her mode of thinking right now. It is very hard to watch your children making poor decisions that you know will effect the rest of their lives - I think that is more my struggle than anything - it takes so long for kids to realize that parents generally do know a thing or two about making it and being happy:()

thank you again

    Bookmark   July 24, 2013 at 10:18AM
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Be prepared for this, I have seen it in to many kids. Young people always seem to get angry at the one who gives them rules. She will be with you until gets angry at you, then she will go to her BF's mom or her real mom until she gets mad at them and come knocking on your door again. Don't let that viscous circle happen. It will tear you up.

I am not a cynical person, but have seen enough and read enough in here to know she may end up using the grand child as a pawn. If you don't do as she wishes, she may not let you see the child.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2013 at 3:04PM
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Yes Emma - she will certainly use her as a pawn...and she will play to my sypmathy by saying that she doesnt have the money to get this or that..>I have learned not to give her money - if something is needed, I buy it. She does play the circle - and that is what is so upsetting - we have bought and decorated the nursery items - bought the baby everything she will need, carseat, stroller, pack n play, clothing, etc. all she has bought herself is two onses...dad has not bought anything...I know we set ourselves up for the hurt - hard to be the bad guy and then she plays this Im grown up and I know I messed up card and 3 months later we are back...problem now is that a baby will be in this viscious cycle and I dont want to loose contact with the baby - because it is not her fault and I worry about her being provided for.

Thanks again for your input!
Praying tomorrow goes drama free and we can welcome a healthy baby girl...On pins and needles about it because I know she hasnt done the prenatal care she was instructed to do...so frustrating!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2013 at 4:51PM
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I have a grand daughter that was terrible. She would scream at her mother and she had 4 cats and litter boxes shut up in the bedroom with the new born. There were stick on room deodorizers all over the living room. The whole house smelled like a litter box. I told her if the nurse comes over without warning and finds this, she may take the baby. She, "Oh, she might?" She was on a government program of some kind for new mothers. It paid the medical bills for the baby and teaches her how to care for the baby. That is why the nurse comes over. They taught her how to care of the baby, about it's diet and all kinds of things. I can't think of the name of the program now. I think that program and the training had a real positive affect on her. The next time I went over the house was clean, the cats were gone and it smelled nice in there. You might want to check on that for the mom.

The grand daughter grew up and became a very nice young lady and a good mother. She also ended up supporting her husband and 2 kids.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2013 at 6:43PM
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