Dealing with Teenage kids.

aaaaaaaaJuly 29, 2008

Hi all,

Sorry, I had to post this msg here as there is no forum for Teenage kids issues in specific. Any one of you have teen/s kids may be able to help me out. My question isin case your are taking teenage son(13 yrs)and his friend out for movies -is it not necessary to get friendÂs parentÂs permission? Permission-- meaning like I call friendÂs mom or vise versa, just to drop a word. Especially, when I donÂt know his parents that wellÂin my case I have not seen them at all and have spoken over phone only once in all these years. However, friend had permission from his momÂit is only that mom had not spoken to me directly.

I refused to take my sonÂs friend because of this whole Âpermission issue. I voluntarily called friendÂs momÂat that time she said that her son is not going to movies. Minutes before talking to me she spoke to my son and said that ÂI had given him permission, if your mom whatÂs to talk to me, I do not want to get into all of thisÂÂI am not sure what she meant. My son is upset with the whole issue and feels that I should have just taken them to movies.

Has the times changed? Or is it ÂTeenageÂ. My friends think same way as I do. Please, can any one of you let me know if I did the right thingÂand how can I convince my son. Any suggestion is helpful.

Thanks

a

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ifiknewthen

I've had parents call me, and I've also called parents of children that I don't know well especially after I once let my daughter go to the movies one afternoon with some friends when they were just 10 or 11. I thought the mother was staying with the girls. Wrong! She dropped them off and left them go in alone. I was furious with her and myself for not calling to make sure I knew what was going on. In this day and age, you can never be too safe.

I don't know what the kid's mother meant either with her comment but I wouldn't worry about it. I fully believe in covering my own arse. Tell your son you're the adult and you were responsible for their safety at the time so you did what was right in the situation. He'll get over it.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 10:17AM
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newgardenelf

I would have called the mom too.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 10:34AM
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moonie_57

I'm having this same sort of issue dealing with other supposedly responsible adults. Don't know where they get off thinking they can take my child (15) anywhere without first contacting me. DD gets grounded for riding in a car without our permission. Wish I could "ground" the adults as well.

You did the right thing, but I doubt you can convince your son of that.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 11:36AM
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khandi

When a parent lets their child go with someone they don't really know without even speaking with them, it makes you wonder if they care at all about their child's safety!

At 13, if our daughter was getting a ride with a friend's parent, hubby would call that parent (whether we knew them or not) to confirm that it's okay because kids can "tell stories" that are not quite accurate. We don't want her to get stranded anywhere.

Actually, hubby insists on meeting one of the parents beforehand to see what they look like and to see if he gets "bad vibes" about them. LOL We let our daughter (at 16) go for a weekend at camp with two of her friends (one we know well, and they other we know only from school). We called the parents to confirm, get the address of where they live and where the camp is located, and ask about supervision. When hubby drove daughter to the "known" friend, he stayed and chatted with the parent who picked up the girls. Daughter had her cell phone. Everything went well and we felt better knowing exactly where she was, what they looked like, and where they lived.

If we are giving our daughter's friend a ride and we don't know the parent, hubby insists that one of the friend's parents call to confirm that it's okay because he doesn't want to be held accountable for anything concerning that child without the parent's consent. (You can tell your son this too.)

If we know the parents and our daughter has been out with their child many times (and vice versa), we don't call as we take the kids' word (they're 16-1/2 now). We have to show some trust in them now.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 11:40AM
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daisyinga

I guess I will be the lone voice of (semi)dissention.

Tell your son you're the adult and you were responsible for their safety at the time so you did what was right in the situation. He'll get over it. I totally agree with this sentiment. If you felt you needed to call your son's friend's parent, then you did the right thing. Your need for safety trumps his desire to not be embarrassed.

However, I can empathize with your son being unhappy that you called. In our community, among our friends and acquaintances, I don't know any parents who (as the driving parents) call for permission, at least not normally. The only times I can think of that they would call would be (a) with younger kids - I'm assuming your son is around 8th grade (b) if they knew or suspected one or more of the kids was giving their parents trouble (c) if there was something out of the ordinary about the movie trip - perhaps if it wasn't the local movie theater but one farther away, or if the group was going to be coed, something like that.

In the defense of driving moms who don't call - by the 8th grade I'm already trusting them to go in the movie theater without me, see the movie they told me they'd see instead of one rated R, trust that they're not meeting girls or trouble-making boys I don't approve of, and trusting that they won't simply skip the movie altogether, go somewhere else and smoke pot. If I'm already trusting them with all that, I don't see it as a big deal to trust that the friend will get permission from his mom before he goes to the movie with my son.

Also, to allude to something Khandi mentioned, perhaps the mother is offended because she feels that you think her son is lying about getting permission. I do, in fact, know a few parents who would be offended if they thought another parent was calling to double-check because they thought their child might be lying about having permission. Certainly, if a mom called me to double-check because she thought her own child might be lying (about a normal, routine trip to the movies), that might make me pause and evaluate whether or not I thought this was a good friendship for my child.

Nevertheless, I never let the fact that I might be the only mom to call and check stop me. If I felt the need to call another parent, I always did and will continue to do so (I still have one in high school). If my son got embarrassed, I understood, but I still called.

If a parent calls me to ask questions, I am always more than happy to talk to the parent and answer any questions that they have. The fact that your son's friend's mom wasn't willing to talk to you would be a huge red flag for me. I doubt I would let my kids hang out over there, I would want her son to come to my house instead. And I doubt I would let her drive my kids places, I would prefer to be the driver instead. If she can't be bothered to talk to me about a simple thing like the movies, then obviously she and I have way different values, and it's best our kids associate under my watch, not hers.

The only thing I can think of that might make me feel more charitable toward the mom would be if she couldn't speak English. However, in my experience the parents of my kids' friends who can't speak English are doubly protective of their kids. Perhaps it's their culture, or perhaps it's simply that because they can't speak English they feel they need to keep a closer watch, I don't know.

I will also say that we live in a fairly safe community, we have lived here a long time, my son and his friends generally had gone to school together a long time, and I either knew the families, knew something about the families, or could call mutual friends and find out easily. There have been many times parents have let their kids come to a party, sleepover, or some event at my house without ever talking to me or meeting me, and I found out later they called mutual friends and got the scoop that this was a good, safe place to be. I can see where parents in a different situation might be irresponsible not to call.

So to answer your question, I don't think it's necessary to get permission from the parents directly. However, if you feel it's necessary, then you should do it.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 11:20PM
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khandi

I do, in fact, know a few parents who would be offended if they thought another parent was calling to double-check because they thought their child might be lying about having permission.

I never thought of that! To me, it just shows respect if a parent calls to confirm.

I remember when I was 16 and my cousin was 14. (I'm a country girl and she's a city girl.) Cousin would tell her mom that we were sleeping over at so-so's house. So-so (also 14) would tell her mom that she was sleeping at my cousin's place. Neither moms would communicate and took their kids word. 97% of the time, we ended up having to find a place to crash or hanging inside/outside the 24-hour donut shop until 9am to make it look like we slept over at so-so's house. My aunt never once asked for details of our activities and her daughter was 14! When I was older and my mom found out about all the stuff we did, my mom told me that she thought my aunt was more responsible than that and didn't realize she was allowing us to do such things without checking things out sometimes.

So I say, go with your gut! At 13, he'll just have to realize that there are certains "rules" to live by. If he shows responsibility and maturity and trust now, the more freedom he'll have at 16! LOL

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 9:51AM
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popi_gw

I wouldn't expect other parents to have the same standards of supervision that you have.

You decide to always talk to other parents, and find out details of what is going on.

Don't expect parental supervision at the home, either !

It's a scarey time, when the young teens start going out with other kids.

Stick to your rules and integrity !

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 8:19PM
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velvet6666_yahoo_com

Talk about teenagers I have 3 and omg its heard 2 boys 1 girl and thay all think there better then the next person can't have anyone over thay think ur not givin them what thay need so thay make a seen in front of people can't. Go out without them calling every 5 mins and whatst this with kids now day (whateve) I mean omg don't have friends so if u have teenagers that u would like to talk about I only talk to females sorry males jus couldn't take dealing with anymore males in my life.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2011 at 4:11PM
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tracystoke

bliming heck sweetheart,I think you need stop drinking,what a mess.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2011 at 5:06PM
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