so angry at daughter, yet miss her

cheri2008June 12, 2009

A litle background, daughter in her 40's left her husband of 10 years, she abandon her 2 children, son 18, daughter,16. the kids were from previous marriage, so soon to be X is step dad. He has been in thier life as a father figure for 13 years.. The boy was still in high school, and unfortunatly behind in school,was not able to graduate with his class.. he is now living with me and I am pushing him with his studies to get his dipoloma this summer.

The 16 year old is living with the step Dad..The kids are a mess... My granddaughter is crushed.. both kids are really angry. As am I. To add to this mess, after she left, her husband discovered she had not been making housepayments for 3 months.. he is now trying to save the home..She used the money to spend on her new boyfriend,and believe it or not paid for private school for the boyfriens daughter... All this took place about 4 months ago, when she first left I tried to talk to her, but she would not answer my calls. So I since have not tried to contact her( we live in the same small town) Her birthday was last month, I thought about calling , but I am SO angry at her.. decided it may be best that I dont.. I feel she has neglected her family for some time especially her son.. and now I am trying to do the job she should have been there to do months ago, I was not aware how he was not applying him self and had gotten so far behind in school.. I know it is unhealthy to carry this anger,and hopefully in time things will be diffrent, but cannot seem to get past this.. advice needed

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motherlode

i urge you to get some professional support cheri-you need to have a safe place to vent-you have every right to be angry-she is still your daughter nd you love her but you may not like her very much right now-2 different scenarios i can assure you. Do you have any trusted friends for family you can sahre your feeling swith-take care and god bless-motherlode

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 1:33AM
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sirens

I think you have every right to be angry. However, I would try to exorcise the righteous anger in a healthy way, and then I would schedule a sit-down with my daughter.
She needs to be called on her behavior.
This is shameful.
I wouldn't degenerate into an accusing, shouting match, but I would try to make her SEE how she is hurting her children!
Good luck to you

    Bookmark   June 15, 2009 at 6:21AM
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amyfiddler

Love and trust are two different things. You still love her, and it would not be problematic for you to show your love. Showing your love will not reinforce her bad behavior. What you don't have is trust - showing trusting behaviors WOULD be problematic, for everyone.

No shame in loving your daughter. It's OK.

    Bookmark   June 16, 2009 at 10:02AM
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popi_gw

Well you are doing a good job, holding things together and I think you are right to stay away from your daughter until you can disperse some of your, very understandable, anger.

You really need a third party to help you sort out some sort of plan. Some sort of mediation with your daughter, as well.

We all know what she has done is unforgivable, for whatever reason, but really focusing on the future is what is needed.

It really is a shocking case of neglect, isn't it.

As Amy says, no shame in loving your daughter. Try to keep that in mind.

I wish you well, please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2009 at 10:07PM
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bcmoss

Cheri~ As appalling as this situation sounds, and I am very sorry for you, are you able to clearly separate fact from hearsay?
I would be very angry, too, but in time I think I would would be afraid for what has happened to my daughter. Was it a breakdown, do you know for a fact she left on her own, can you confirm any of this?
Once you know the facts, from there you can sort it out. Her life is not your life, and if she still desires to have a relationship with you, she will at some point, know she has to explain something. In this situation, it is most important to disregard things you hear from others and focus on what you have heard from her directly.
Good Luck

    Bookmark   August 2, 2009 at 11:39AM
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