Ungrateful Adult Children

ellasmommaJune 1, 2013

Our story began three years ago. I was in Florida visiting relatives when my oldest daughter called in a panic. She was on her way to work crying hysterically. She had been trying for the month or so prior to get her boyfriend to move out of the house. She had decided to break things off because it just wasn't working out for a variety of reasons. They have a son, our grandson who was 4 at the time. The night before she called me, her boyfriend had attacked her while she was in the shower. During the fight he pulled a family heirloom ring off of her finger. That ring means everything to her. Anyway he physically and sexually assaulted her. The next day she left for work, she had tried desperately to get her son to go with her but he wanted to stay home with "daddy". (who could never hold a job and was a couch potato). She called to tell me that she had called his dad to ask for help getting him out of the house. His dad called him and told him she was going to file a restraining order and domestic violence order against him. He (the boyfriend) decided to beat her to the punch and filed them on her. She was served at work and told she could not return to her home until a hearing. She stayed with friends for a few days. They decided to meet at a McDonalds to exchange our grandson because he missed his mommy. Well, he kidnapped her in the parking lot and drove her and our grandson to a local park where he threatened to kill her repeatably. He also threatened to kill my husband and myself and our other daughter so that our grandson would have to live with his family. (all losers) She was able to defuse the situation and calm him down. She managed to get him to take her back to her car and drop her and our grandson off. Immediately she went to the police and filed a report. A day or so later a swat team (6) burst open the door of the house in the middle of the night and arrested him. He spent the next 10 days in jail until the hearing. When we were allowed into the house it was a disaster. He had also had another woman there, we found evidence. This started 9 months of court hearings, fear, traveling back and forth from our house to hers (2 different states) and a lot of money to be spent. I spent every weekend with her and all 4 of my vacations. My husband couldn't be away from his job as much but was there a lot in person but also on the phone with lawyers, prosecutors and the victims advocate. He was also the first one by her side. The reason I tell you this is so that you can understand our pain. This all happened in May. During the summer he was in and out of jail for violating the restraining order. Somehow by December he had gotten to her and got her to drop all of the charges. He ended up having 7, yes 7 felony indictments against him and was looking at several years in jail.

Our Christmas that year was horrible. When she told us she was not going to prosecute I lost my temper and went off on her like I have never done before. I lost it. We spent $20,000 on lawyer bills for our grandson, best in our area, back owed bills so the gas and electric would not be cut off, daycare, food and a car. He had wrecked hers and it was in horrible shape.

By March of the following year when we were to go to trial, he was plead out on 3 misdemeanors. Was given 2 years probation. After the hearing in March where he plead out, we were done with the situation. Found out later they had been back together since December.

He did not pay one penny for lawyers the state pays for all of that. We are out $20,000 for NOTHING! The money means nothing, we would have spent that on her if she had cancer a car wreck or whatever. That's what parents do for their kids, help them when they need it. Right??

Anyway over the last couple of years they have been off and on, off and on, off and on. Just a few months ago they were off and he moved out. She had to file a restraining order against him for stalking. Well they are back on and he is living back in the house.

She informs us the other day that they are getting married. They are getting married in their state during the middle of the week. Let me say that I support her wanting to have her family back together, I get that. "He has changed you know". Because of this and all of the other things we found out during this situation, we are done with him. He is not allowed in our home, period. Our daughter and grandson are of course but she is finding reasons not to come. It's too hard on her to "split her family up" when she comes down. Translation, he gives her crap about it. She, they, he are trying to force us to "get over it" and move on. I can't do that. I have been civil to him for the sake of our grandson but that's it. I can not attend this wedding and support a decision that I do not believe in. Plus I just am not going to give up another vacation of mine for this "guy". There is so much more to this story that I could ever put into words.

I had an argument with my daughter the other day about her behavior towards me for mother's day. We drove to her state to take my mother in law to dinner and wanted her and our grandson to join us. She got very angry with us because we were not going to go to his sporting event that was later in the day because we wanted to get home. It's a 15 hour day for us to make this trip. She could not understand why we couldn't stay another 2 hours. I might add during the "summer from hell" my husband and I were up at 4:00 am EVERY Saturday to be at her house and at our grandson's soccer games for her and his safety and stability in his life. At the time the situation with his family was very tense to say the least and her safety was a big issue. So she was a smart ass when we saw her at Mother's day and very flippid. A few days later we had an argument over the phone and we have not spoken since. We used to talk 4 or 5 times a day either via email, text or phone. We were very close and this situation brought us closer together.

Now that he is back in the picture, it's all changed and things have gone back to the way it was before. Although I will say he has a good job now.

I am devastated by her behavior. It's like she has forgotten all that we did for her. She is ungrateful, disrespectful and it's so hurtful. Our relationship with her is going to be strained because of the past but now our relationship with our grandson is changing and she promised us it never would no matter what.

I am letting her go because I have no more time for the drama. I will say that I have now lost my best female friend and it is devastating. I want her to be happy but I just can't support her marrying this man.

What do I do? How can she forget all of the pain that this man has caused our family?? How can she forgive him for this and not forgive us for not going to our grandson's sporting event?????

I am at a loss here.

Thanks for listening......ellasmomma.

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I am sorry you are having these problems. You have lost the big fight. You need to step back and decide what is important enough to keep this going on. Valentines day is not worth fighting over nor is a ball game. I think you need to move away from it all, there is nothing you can do except ruin your own life. He is dangerous and you are just adding fuel to the fire.

It was impossible for me to maintain a relationship with my sons, so when I moved to a new home I did not tell them where I moved to. I could not if I had wanted to because I never know where they are until they call with problems. I also told my family not to give them my new address or phone number.

Good luck to you what ever you decide.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2013 at 11:15AM
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Dear ellasmomma, I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreaking experience with your daughter. Is she your only child? I am also writing a book right now about my youngest child, a daughter, who is a drug addict and has been back and forth from the streets to our house. She almost died in the fall of 2011 from septicemia and now has Hep C with an enlarged liver, Lupus, damaged heart, damaged veins, damaged lungs. The bacteria went through her body like a speeding train. She is lucky it didn't go to her brain or she would have died. God spared her for a reason, yet this past Mothers Day, she suddendly left again after 9 1/2 months of sobriety. Gone. We don't know where she is. Stoled money from her grandmother, $688 from various ATM machines before we discovered what was happening, and haven't seen her since. She suffers from depression, severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. No excuse I guess, but it doesn't help. She has two precious daughters that are in the custody of her ex husband and his parents that we are not permitted to see and haven't seen in 2 years. If not for my husband and I, those little girls might be dead now. Both my daughter and son in law were IV drug users and drug sellers. They had people in and out of their house constantly. They had people living there, felons. They had guns in the house, syringes laying around. My daughter shot up Oxycodone during her pregnancy and when the baby was 2 months old, I had enough. The husband's parents are rich and supplied them with the drug money, the house, their truck and the utilities. Their son was on probation, so I called the probation officer and had him arrested and the children removed. Somehow his mother and father got temporary custody. My daughter was thrilled because she was mad at me. Until she realized how tightly they had their hands on her girls. Now it's not so funny. Her now ex husband lives with is mommy and daddy, all his bills are paid, the girls are taken care of and that part is great, but they do not let my daughter see the girls but once in a great while. Even when she was sober. And they didn't let her see them on Mothers Day. We believe that was the trigger. But, she is also nasty to me and her dad. Ungrateful for all that we have done for her. The several times she lived with us over the last 2 years, she was very disrespectful. She spent 3 months in the hospital, and was very demanding when she started getting better. Her dad visited her every day, but I got tired of it. I got tired of her sarcastic and arrogant attitude. Bottom line: She is angry at me still for calling the probation officer that caused her daughters being taken away from her. She is holding a grudge. So, now that she is gone again just like before she doesn't call us and let us know if she is ok. And in the last 2 years, we have never heard her say thank you for all we did for her. Just comments about how nice it was to have a bed to sleep in as opposed to sleeping on a bench. Our son? Told us that he doesn't want to hang around us, that the only "stable person in the family is him". So we can only go to his house to visit on the other side of the state when he invites us. He is married and we have a grandson. He just got out of the Navy, has a great job and goes to college. His wife is very educated also. Very sweet girl. I have no idea what she must think. We are terribly hurt. This just started. And our oldest daughter with the masters degree? She just got back from the Peace Corp in Africa. Oh, when she needed all the stuff sent to her, including money, we sent it. When she got back, she stayed with her grandmother instead of us because she said she was going to be too busy preparing resumes and sending them out to be visiting with us. So, we hardly saw her! Then, she left for the Appalachian Trail with a good friend for a 6 month hike. Oh, she was able to stay in touch with friends and job prospects and her boyfriend in New Zealand via Skype while on the trail, but she never called or skyped us! Then, she got back, stayed about two weeks, met up with her boyfriend, was very aloof with me so I had a talk with her. It ended up in an arguement at which she cried so I shut up. She left in June of last year for Seattle where she got her new job and now lives and she has called us twice since then. She has called us twice. I got a Mothers Day card that simply said "I hope you have the Mothers Day you deserve". Hallmark card at least. I don't know how to interpret that. My son sent me a card, but you can bet his wife sent it. My husband didn't get a Fathers Day card from our son and the card he got from our daughter was a silly one, not her usual type. They used to call us. They don't anymore. So here is the point to my long story, ellasmomma. I have cried so many tears in the last 3 years I can't tell you. I haven't spent the amount of money you have, but I can tell you that the horror stories are about the same when it comes to the youngest daughter. Suffice to say, all we can do is pray to God for peace in OUR hearts first. Pray that He removes the anger, the anxiety, the worry, the frustration, the loss, the grief ,,,,,all those feelings that a mother feels in a situation like this. And believe me, I know how you feel. Its like someone reached down in your chest and ripped your heart right out while it was still beating. How could the child you gave life to treat you like this, right? Well, there is no way to know that answer. So, find peace in yourself first. However you do that. If you know God, then I suggest you pray. If God is not your higher being, then find the peace in the way you know how. Then, hand the situation over to God. Just give it to Him. He says we are to cast our cares to Him. He wants our cares! We are to trust Him! You can fall back with your eyes closed and He will catch you. So give your daughter over to Him. Then, you will have to do the hardest part ever. Pray for your son in law to be. Pray for blessings on them both. Pray for blessings on their family and pray for all three of them every day. You can't change them. You can only change you. So pray for YOUR peace first, then pray for them. Once you have given that family and yourself over to the higher power, you will be amazed at the changes in your life. But, you have to stay true and obedient to your prayers and try not to get frustrated and angry and caught up in the drama. If your daughter calls with drama, put it back on her. Don't accept it. She is an adult. She has made her decisions. If you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don't, then don't. Do what your heart tells you is best. But do not accept any negative drama into your life. You don't deserve it. Remember, you cannot change her, only YOU. I will be praying for you also. God bless you. And, peace be with you, ellasmomma.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 5:08AM
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