Helping grown son

lyndielu2007June 27, 2007

My son, age 25, married, has a good job, 2 step-sons, very responsible, kind... My husband (his stepfather for the past 16 yrs), and I have helped my son, for instance he was laid off so we helped him make his mortgage payments. He just got back to work but got into a car accident. He's ok but his truck is no longer driveable. He was cut off and hit another vehicle. I feel so badly for him.

How much is too much when helping grown children out? He doesn't ask for anything unless he absolutely needs to, he knows I'm always here for him. I just feel so badly as he tries so hard. I feel like helping him get another vehicle... I'm helping to fight the ticket as it wasn't his fault even though he hit a car but it was due to the actions of another vehicle. I'm helping as in calling the place/helping pay...He's done so well, just makes me want to help as much as I can.

He's had his share of hard knocks due to my instability in my young years up til age 8 and a so n so for a biofather. Pretty good after that but rough first years.. Am I trying to make those yrs up or am I just plain and simple, wanting to help a good son out?

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Vickey__MN

Personally...he's 25, he's a grown man, not a little boy, he has to learn how to do things on his own. He does NOT need your help fighting the ticket. He has to learn to live on his own income, and as far as helping him get a new car...that's up to you, but often things are more apreciated when you have to work for them on your own. You can't make up for how things were "way back when" you can only go on from now. and when he was 8 and now he's 25...boy that's a long time to have to make up for mistakes of the past, doncha think?

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 4:51AM
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wildchild

"Am I trying to make those yrs up or am I just plain and simple, wanting to help a good son out?"

Probably a bit of both. The bottom line is that he is your son and loving parents will always want to be there for their kids. If he really NEEDS a bit of help and you have the means without hurting your own finances and it doesn't create discord in your own marriage certainly you should help him if you desire to do so.

Perhaps you could compromise and give him a low or no interest loan to get over the hump?

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 10:10AM
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nancylouise_gw

It sounds like you have raised a responsible young man. He takes care of his own and only asks for help when really needed. If you like, help him find a car. Doesn't have to be a brand new one, just something reliable that can get him back and forth to work. Buy it for him and then he can pay you with interest. I'd let him work out the accident incident by himself. He may ask for your opinion on what to do, but he should be handling that affair. Do I think you are over doing it? Nah, doesn't seem that way to me. You aren't smothering him and never letting him fall and make his own mistakes are you? Just wanting to help out when asked. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 11:51AM
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sheilajoyce_gw

Isn't the insurance going to help him get a new car? Does he have Cadillac tastes on a Chevy budget? He does need to learn to live within his means. He does need insurance and to learn why he needs it. Help him as you can without denying yourself, but let him do the majority of the lifting so he can be a man who knows he has made it on his own. It is good that you are asking these questions; finding a balance is the key.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 12:29PM
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sherheart

I so agree with Vickey, in that being grown, which 25 is, should ACT GROWN. When you are dead, he will have to take full resposibility for himself. Why make him learn that responsibilty for the first time THEN? You are truly not helping him be an adult to his full potential by cleaning up life's messes, one by one, when they happen. I think as parents we have somehow given the message to our adult children that we will always be there for them. We won't be....not always. So, shouldn't they feel proud of their own abilities to gain financial independence without us and our assistance? Wisdom is obtained by learning....and learning is obtained by the consequences of our choices. All parents owe their children the right to those learning choices and the positive feelings that result from knowing one did it all my oneself. How can a child ever truly be an adult if he is not totally self sufficient? Having Mom pay your mortgage and assist you with a ticket, is still being a little boy....... No matter how old he actually is.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 6:23PM
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lindac

A parent always wants to help their children out and even give them things they would not otherwise be able to afford. And I think that's more than fine if you can afford it and the "child" is a responsible adult.
He is suffering the consequences of something over which he had no control....why not help him out?
Linda C

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 7:42PM
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motwo

I disagree with some of the other comments about your son not being "grown up" enough to take care of his own life.I wonder if any of you have had hard times as such and how you got though them. My husband was out of work for a few months because of an accident at work and for those months my paycheck was not enough to cover rent, food ect. We also had one child and one on the way and had to ensure my childs needs were met first and foremost. As in needs I mean a roof over his head and food in his belly. So I do belive it to be the more responcible thing to ask a parent for help then not. For a few months my in laws did help with rent and yes did buy us another used car when my husbands died. If they couldn't have helped us then we would have probally been kicked out of our place and both my husband and I would have more then likely lost both our job's with no means to get there and I hate to think what might have happened with our kids since we wouldn't have been able to support them. I will also mention any tickets my husband has got, his sister has taken care of all the paperwork and fee's and so on to fight them, since she is a paralegal. It is because she cares that she does it. My husbands family cares enough to give us a hand from time to time when we need it. We do always pay them back and have the comfort in knowing that we can count on them when in need. I call this type of relationship a real family. As a real family helps one another out when they are in need, and they don't turn thier back on you and say figure it out for youself. I think that is great you can help your son out Lyndielu2007. I don't think you are trying to make up for bad years or anything, but that you care enough to be supportive of him and his family in times of need. You can't change his early years, but you are there for him the most when he is in need, which is what matters.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 8:31PM
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adellabedella_usa

Is your dh upset by you financially helping your ds out? If yes, then it is something you have to work out with him. If not, I think you are doing what any mama would do. At 25, your son is an adult, but at that point in life it is hard to have money saved up because you are just getting started. Your ds sounds like he is willing to work, but his luck has been against him. At his age, there aren't a lot of financial reserves. I'd help him out if I could.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 9:04PM
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popi_gw

Lyndielu

When I was younger, a bit older than your son, we lost our home and business, it was a disaster, very tough times. This was about 20 years ago. My parents just sat by as we floundered about, we ended up moving further away from the city, getting a small loan and buying the worse house. I was very unhappy for ages. The one thing I do remember, they "sold" us their car for a coupla hundred. I think that was their way of helping and it means such a lot to me that they did that.

My point is...we went through the hard yards, and have grown immensley from that, if they had "rescued us" I am sure that we would not treasure, as much, what we have today.

I really think, for us to grow, we must learn from our experience and become proficient in working out how to deal with our problems.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2007 at 3:12AM
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sherheart

AMEN, Popi, AMEN.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2007 at 8:07AM
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moonie_57

My parents helped us, we help our kids. It's knowing where and when to draw the line.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2007 at 11:29PM
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sheilajoyce_gw

I agree, Moonie.

    Bookmark   June 30, 2007 at 7:56PM
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kateskouros

it's good of you to want to help out. i wish i had people like that in my life when i was young. that said, you are a loving mom to your son. you take an active part in his life and provide love and stability. you are doing exactly as you are supposed to. he is an adult. let him grow up and fight his own ticket. allow him to continue on this journey knowing you have done your part and have given him wings to make his life on his own.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2007 at 8:30PM
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