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peg10May 23, 2009

I am new to this site, but not new to pain. I was in a 30 year verbally abusive marriage with three children. I deemed myself unloveable from my husband and began enabling my children. I was very close to them all throughout the marriage until they were young adults. I tried to stay as perfect and as quiet as I could to keep the peace and to keep from my husband from hurting their character throughout the marriage. My children placed me on a pedestal but that was not good. However, I was terribly unhappy. My husband never vacationed with us nor did we do anything together as he was married to his job. When we did things together, it always turned out to be a disaster. Example: if we went out to eat and he didn't like something one of us said, he would go to the truck and pout while the rest of us stayed in the restaurant and finished eating. One time we were headed to the beach for the day and he got mad and we all went back home. These examples are only the tip of the iceberg, just simple things. He would punch holes in doors, destroy things out of anger. About twelve years ago, he was involved in an accident related injury and he became even angrier. I did everything I could to stand by him but he chose to go for a disabilty. For seven years, he just stayed in the house talking to people on the phone about how he could beat the system, he continually watched outside through the window to make sure no one was filming him and watched Court TV. I became an emotional wreck and completely shut down. I was completely empty inside. All throughout the marriage, he had women who would call him, but a couple of years before I left, he befriend a woman who called him everyday. He was at her every beacom call, but I really didn't care anymore. For enjoyment, I went to Europe with some friends and when I came home I had to ask him to come get me. He would not talk to me all the way home and when we finally reached our home, he told me that this woman had been in a motorcycle accident with my son and to welcome to the real world. He then didn't speak to me for three days. I was done!!! I left a couple of weeks later quickly and without telling my children. My children became very angry with me and my two sons still do not talk to me after five years. They made assumptions that I had an affair because they saw a man from a different race in my apartment watching TV with me about a month after I left. This devasted my sons because they are prejudiced more than I even realized. All I could do was write them a letter and apologize for the way I left. They should already know but I guess they thought I was strong to handle anything that came my way and I folded. Not only did they stop talking to me, but they stopped talking to my parents and since then my dad has died. My parents were actively involved in their lives all of their lives. I was consumed with so much guilt. We all lived in a small town all of our lives and I was told by so many "What took you so long", but that didn't help. I was raised by parents who taught me that I should stand by my vows, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It was also a very bitter divorce. He placed our adult children right in the middle of it giving them money they needed for support, school, etc. and giving them a choice to be loyal to him or me. In the meantime, I went to a very intensive life skills training to learn more about me, assist me in living life again and accepting my responsibility and take ownership of my part of the dysfunction. I have also grown closer to Jesus Christ. My daughter and ex husband never got a long. He did and said things to really hurt her character and she sided with him a couple of years just to gain his attention but since then she told him that she loved me and wanted a relationship with me. Now, he won't talk to her. She struggles with relationships herself. She has two beautiful daughters that I am able to spend time with and love. Unfortunately, my mom and I have never send two of my grandchildren from my sons. I am very sad that children have to dragged into adult dysfunction. I know that I cannot fix this. I just pray everyday. I do pretty good most days, but sometimes, like today, I beat myself up and wonder what in the world I did for me to have two sons that can't forgive as I forgave them and stood by their side during their trials and errors. It just hurts when your own children that you lived your life for won't even talk to you. I continue to call them periodically and leave messages that I love them always. Thanks for listening.

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popi_gw

Hi Peg

It is good that you have gotten things off your chest, by putting all that down. That is probably all that you wanted to do, just want someone to listen.

So I want to tell you that I did listen.

You have done your best, try to enjoy the blessings that you have.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 3:16AM
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peg10

Thank you for taking the time to read my long story. I pray for all mothers of children who will not talk to them. It is very painful.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 8:08PM
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beenonbothsides

Hi Peg,

There is a support group called Estranged Stories. I'm sure you would find a lot of support and validation there.

Here is a link that might be useful: Estranged Stories

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:17PM
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