10 year old kissing, what do i do??

lisadrumMay 19, 2003

Hi, am so happy to have found this forum. One evening, we were visiting some other parents from my 10yr old daughter's school. The next day, my dd told me that their son, who is in her class, and her very close friend, kissed her. I asked her what she did, and she said "i kissed him back" but then I said, that can't happen again, we are too young for this, I reiterated to her that it was inappropriate at that age, and went over some rules that she and i talked about before. I didn't want to get upset, or make too big a deal, for fear of her not telling me anything again,and seeing me as the "parental enemy". Like most ten yr olds, she has many play dates, mostly with girls. Our families have kinda bonded,and so if they ask to have a play date, I usually comply. Most of the play dates are me taking them to the movies, etc... however, the other day, i picked him up, usual play date, brought him over to our house, to eat lunch, and wait for the movie time at the theatre. while here, they asked if thy could watch tv. i said ok, and my 4yr old was in the room with them.. i was making burgers... and when i came upstairs, i noticed the door closed. Even though my 4 yr old was inside, i called her, and i said to her privately "these are my rules.. if you have a playdate over, boy or girl, the door stays open, wide open" she said "okay mom" and went back in-door stayed open. All went well, we went to the movies, and i invited another parent and her dd.. so it wasn't like a "date" just 3 kids at the movies..

today, i am mortified to find out that over the w/e, as she spent time with her aunt, she told her tht he kissed her again... in her room on friday!!!!! when did that happen? i thought i was supervising them like a hawk!! What should i do now? his parents did not know about the first kiss, and i promised my dd that i would not mention it to them. I let it go then, but i can't let it go now! Should i tell his parents? Have a talk with him privately? Have a talk with them together? what should i do about this? I must approach it very gingerly, because her aunt doesnt want me to spill that she told me. Also, she has a good friendship with the boy. they talk on the phone every day, and she helps him with his schoolwork, bc she is very bright. Should i punish her? Not let her have anymore play dates with him? I am finding out too that at sch. it is "known" that they are bf/gf. and another little girl (who is very "out there" socially) started rumors to the other kids that they had sex!!! this i am hearing from her aunt,-which my dd told her! It is a serious issue, and i am furious, but i can't let her know. My dd is very innocent, and gullible, and i think the kids in her new school are out of her league socially, and to gain acceptance she is doing this. When we first started, she told me other girls said they had a bf. I think my dd is trying to fit in, by kissing and telling, to gain their acceptance, and be popular. What should i do??? Moms of preteens, or teens, or have been through this, please help! L

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My friends and I used to kiss boys when we were ten, and that was twenty years ago! We were "going with" boys, meaning going steady, except that we rarely ever went anywhere. And we were slow dancing and making out lightly at 11, and still most of us were virgins through high school because we still did not want to go that far.

If I were you, I would probably sit down privately with your daughter and have her describe exactly what kind of kissing was going on. A peck? Prolonged frenching? A world of difference. I would make sure that she knows all about sex, (buy a good book!!!!! PLEASE!!! Kids this age are desperate to feel normal and know they are not alone in the body changes, etc) because she make know the basic mechanics but have a lot of misinformation, too. I would also do a lot of LISTENING and reflecting, meaning rephrasing what she is telling you and asking her, "So you mean you...." And I would also not say, That must never happen again" because that is an absolute, and she at ten may take it to mean, NEVER when you mean "Not until you are much older." Does she wear a bra? Has she gotten her period? In fourth grade, I was teased for not wearing a bra yet. Make sure she is wearing one if others are, even if she doesn't "need" it yet. Have some frank discussions with her about what kind of girl she wants to be, and about what choices she makes and how they will affect how others see her, and about peer pressure and gossip. Try to help her find ways she can feel more grown up that are things YOU approve of. Tinted Lip gloss? A freshy decorated room which recognizes her status as a tweenager? If you can help her find common ground with her peers in areas you aprove of, like sports, music, American Girl Dolls, a theatre or art class--- it will help her find her niche in a good and healthy place. I really think she has a great ally in you-- that is wonderful!!! I have four kids, and was a full-time nanny for 7 years before that (all through college and beyond) and ten is a pivotal age these days. I would not talk to him yourself, at least not until you have talked to your daughter at length. It's really good that you are noticing the changes in her now so that you as a parent can work with her to define herself. That's really what it's all about at this age. And take a deep breath-- it is all going to be fine!!!!! Sorry to go on and on. My children have not hit this age yet, but having remained very, very close to the two boys and one girl i annied, who are all now in their mid and late teens, I have been pretty close to the angst of adolescence. Please post again!!!!!! I hope this advice proves helpful.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2003 at 10:57PM
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Hi Skatiero, Thanks so much for your reply! Everything you said is very helpful. I took a lot of it into consideration. I will definately talk to to her first, before i talk to him.. Yes, she does wear a bra, started at about 81/2. She is tall and skinny, but her buds came in early, so we got her trainers, and now.. she wears reg. bras-teenage ones. She got her period last thanksgiving, and handled it well, I was so proud of her. With regard to the boy.. My girlfriend is a teacher in Atlanta, so i asked her for advice, since as a t, she took some child psych workshops. She suggested that after i talk to her, the next day to sit them both down,,,and tell him that i spoke to jess the first time it happened, and asked her to not let it happen again, at least not until she is older. Jess was unable to not let it happen again, so i am asking him now to not let it happen again... and that i am not angry, but i am just letting them both know that they are too young for kissing. It's okay to like each other, but kissing is off limits at this age. Also, she sugg. to tell him that if he allows this to happen again, then i will have to take it further, and involve his parents, which at that time will also mean on my part that no more play dates or phone calls will be permitted. What do you think? See, i know how i was at 10 too, but.. in today's age, the kids are not as innocent as we used to be. We wanted to just see what it's like, and then stop. Kids today, are taking it all the way,,because they feel this need to grow up fast, due to all the social and academic pressures. He is british,(his first year here) and so i don't even know if where he is from, those things are taken lightly. I have been to London and other parts of Europe,and know that they are very lenient there. However, i still don't think his parents would approve. Also, the fact that she has had her period i think adds to her wanting to act more "grown up" and do more "grown up things" She does have an American girl doll, and is very active She plays tennis,and takes Piano, as well as read. she loves to read. I spend a lot of time with her, do mother/daughter things with her, (even though i have a 4yr old son, i make that time separately)I talk to her a lot...so i know it's not a cry for attention.But.. like you said, i will take a deep breath.. and hopefully, this too shall pass :-) I will let you know how it goes... L

    Bookmark   May 19, 2003 at 11:43PM
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I have a 10 year old boy and I have hear some of the same things you are talking about. I don't remember even being interested in boys at 10, but since I turned 40 this year, I realize that was back in the dark ages and everything is different now : ) LOL. I was shocked when my son started coming home and talking about so and so are going together and so and so broke up. I tried to joke about it and say "so where are they going together, where are they going?" Yes, I know, that is very uncool. LOL I just try and listen to him when he is talking with his friends in the car or when I ask him what is new at school and his friends. He recently "broke up" with his girlfriend. I asked him what happened and he said that she was too possessive and he wanted to be with his friends. I had to bite my lip from laughing and I just told him that he was right. He has lots of time for girlfriends and now was the time to have fun with his friends. The little girlfriend called our house at least 6 times from the time school was out until we got home at 6:00, leaving a message only once and then continuing to call and handing up when the voice mail picked up. I told my son that it was OK that she call, but that he should tell her that once was enough and not to call until after 7:00 when we were home and finished with dinner. She didn't listen very well and I was glad when she stopped calling. I was almost ready to call her parents.

I think you are right in talking with her about what is going on and encourage her to stand up for what she wants and doesn't want even though other kids may be doing it. This is such a hard lesson for kids, but I think it builds strong character which will be so important later on.

Kids are growing up so fast these days. We can do everything in our power to slow that down, but I am not sure it is doing much good. I hate to see where this is all leading to.

Good luck

    Bookmark   May 20, 2003 at 9:08AM
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I just found a text message from a 12 year old boy that is in the same class as my 10 year old daughter asking her if she liked the kiss. I was horrified! I spent the next two hours in tears. This feedback certainly helps put things in perspective although I am still upset. She does wear a bra but has not started her period. I never noticed her being interested in boys before until this one showed up last month when she changed schools (we moved). She calls him her boyfriend but up until now its been just talk and text. Now I don't know. I hope that they are not talking about taking it to the next level.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2013 at 3:57PM
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Well instead of "hoping" that things move along to your liking, perhaps you could think about taking a proactive reaction.

Think about a non-confrontational way to bring up the subject of "appropriate behaviour". You might decide it is not appropriate for a child of 10 to have a "boyfriend". Well, what is a "boyfriend" anyway ! Opens up a whole can of worms !

What concerns me about present day parenting of this age group is the messages from advertising, marketing, tv shows etc. Unfortunately young people tend to use these images as role models instead of the "healthy" way of learning from siblings, or neighbours, or other family members - using them as role models.

My DD is now 25 so I don't have to worry about these issues anymore - but I did when she was younger - lots of anguish and loosing sleep. I found I usually overreacted ! So I have learnt to take a step back, and make sure I speak from good reason and logic and not my emotions ! Easier said than done, most times.

I like the idea of children being children for as long as possible, it is such a precious time of life.

Good luck with it all.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2013 at 8:22PM
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The first time I went on a date EVER, I was 20 years old. My parents said I was a disaese infested whore & pulled a loaded gun on him when he introduced himself. I got my first kiss at 20 (same man, mind you). Six months later we married. That was 3 years ago.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2013 at 1:11PM
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