Daughter moving-not good circumstances

susan_vMay 6, 2009

My 24 yr old daughter is in the process as I type of moving out. She has rented an apartment with a guy she barely knows that was just released from drug rehab-no job-no car-no anything.. He exists on unemployment comp. She began a good job 2 months ago yet is still far behind in overdue bills. I am beside myself on this & I am far from able to support this decision. I wish I were able to have some happiness for her but all I see is impending doom. My guess is she will tire of the situation & leave & eventually be sued for the rent as her name is on the lease as well. I told her dad I in NO way will bail her out as I am now watching my credit rating go to the toilet as she is in arrears 4 months on a loan I co signed. I also look at this guy & wonder WHERE did she find him? No class-no ambition -nothing. A far far cry from how she was raised. I am literally sick to my stomach & fear impending estrangement by this situation. I in no way am supporting her in this & my position is clear. Any advice please?

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Good luck!
One strategy I use with my kids - though they're younger - is to ask them to really think about a major decision, and to list three advantages and three disadvantages of each option. Then we review the things they listed. If they're silly or trivial -- clear attempts to manipulate the outcome, then I probe the major issues I see to see why they're not listed. If they refuse to cooperate or take it seriously, since they're minors, I still have the option of simply saying "You don't appear to be considering this decision very seriously, so I can't consider your input very seriously." But if they do acknowledge the problems and advantages, then I generally let them make their own decisions and let them know we'll discuss it again in a few weeks/months to evaluate how it's working out and how their decision-making strategies worked out. Sometimes analyzing a mistake (NOT rubbing it in their faces) can help build better decision making skills for the future.

But since yours is an adult, all you can do now is ask her if she understands all of the consequences of her actions -- including the "no bail-out" clause, and wish her well. Then stick to it kindly but firmly when the highly-likely happens, and if needed, remind her that while you "can't bail her out", you love her and have faith in her, and that if she has any questions, you'll be there to help. (With advice, that is.)

    Bookmark   May 6, 2009 at 9:43PM
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Thank you for your reply. I spoke to my husband last pm (we're separated) & he agrees that if we approved we both would help her. I am of the opinion you made your bed.... at this point in time. I am not going to be the bail out person when the train hits. I do feel she needs to learn consequences & my son (26) insists that I stick to my word. It is so difficult to not help yet I refuse to be a hypocrite. I do know I will scream if I hear her say "You & Dad" one more time. She seems to compare her dad & I often for some reason. Trust me her dad was & is responsible & I was on my own 3 years when we met & had furnishings. She has nothing nor does this guy she is with. She asked if I was upset she was moving-not in the least-she is hellbent-go for it but DO NOT call me when the elec is being turned off or you have no food. I know I sound so unloving but I feel any help on my part shows approval. Ugh....still waiting for the joys of Motherhood to hit! Happy Mothers Day to me I guess. What a gift.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 8:27AM
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have you met the guy,maybe he isnt too bad.rather than thinking of him as dragging her down,she might be good for him.I know its impossible not to worry but she is an adult,so there isnt much you can do,at least no children are involved

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 9:16AM
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Oh I've mt him. I'd say a slug is a good description. Just got out of drug rehab last month-his mother was an addict too I guess. Now deceased. As for no children involved I pray that that is not going to be the case in the near future. She thought another loser in Feb.was the greatest & was about to move in with him as well-now she sees him as we all did-a lowlife. This is my concern-latching onto anyone that comes down the pike to move out as she cannot afford to do it on her own & has no female friends to speak of. I have no idea who she is anymore-any values morals ethics goals have seemed to vanish. She was not raised this way by a long shot.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 10:32AM
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Susan, let her go. She is an adult and you can't let her take you down with her. Make sure she knows you love her but she is responsible for all her own bills from the time she moves out. This could very well be a wonderful learning lesson for her. If she has to work 2 jobs, let her.. Don't buckle on this.. She will learn nothing if you do. We had to get tough with our son at one point and it was the best thing we ever did..


    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 11:20PM
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I have done that totally. Less than 24 hours after she left she was at my home asking to borrow $20.00 until she gets paid today. I replied I was sorry but didn't have it. I was asked to help her hang blinds-cutains & I told her "I'm sorry but I am not in agreement with this decision for many reasons you're aware of-please don't ask me to help you as I'm not. If you need blinds-curtains hung I suggest you call your dad as he is the one that hung them here.I learned to do things by trial & error-you'll be fine.".

I have no problem with her wanting to be out on her own-it's the circumstances surrounding it. I refuse to make my self ill over this. I am still stunned that I received nothing from her on my birthday (50th) in September. Not a Happy b-day wish-not a .99 card-nothing. Yes that stung. It is beyond me how the older she gets the less responsible & less caring as well as selfish she becomes. I love her but I am very much disappointed in her & who she appears to be becoming as she was not raised this way.

I may be estranging myself but I am not in any way lifting a finger nor spending a dime on this mess. Common sense would of been acquire things then move-not move without a couch-lamp-fork-pot-dish-towel etc... Perhaps the lesson she will learn in the end will be worth her struggles. I certainly hope so.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 7:35AM
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You said you co-signed on a loan for her and she's 4 months behind in the payments. Take that as a warning sign!

My MIL co-signed for her two youngest daughters YEARS ago, and she's still paying for it. They ruined her financially. She's broke now with a bad credit rating, and they're still getting her to pay for their bills on her credit cards. She lives on credit cards...paying one with the other.

Like mentioned above... if she falls behind in her bills, she'll have to get another job or get a roommate (if he ends up being kicked out). Do not help her out. You're only asking for trouble and she's old enough to know better.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 8:34AM
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Susan, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, to do what you are doing. Stick to your guns. You don't sound unloving at all - you sound like an exasperated mother who is concerned about her grown daughter.

At 24 years old, it's time for her to learn that mommie isn't going to bail her out. She needs to realize that she is an adult, and responsible for her own decisions; and she needs to also realize that actions have consequences.

If she's smart, she'll listen to you or others who attempt to guide her with loving advice - if not, she will have to learn the hard way.

Do not allow her to drive you insane. You have raised this girl to the best of your ability. It's time for her to grow the heck up and stop coming to you like a two-year-old.

My advice to you, is to work on repairing your marriage (especially if the conflicts with your daughter had anything to do with your separation), put yourself and your husband first, for a change. Take care of yourself, and realize you have done your best. That is all you can do. Do not let the fear of possible estrangement sabotage your doing what is best for your daughter. If she has any sense at all, she will thank you later.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 10:57AM
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