girl drama...what would you have done?

newgardenelfMay 31, 2008

This has already happened so I'm just processing and trying to decide what to do if it happens again.

DD13 has lots of friends, good grades, athelete, etc...she has a girl in her class that started saying she was going to beat her up because she was "flirting" with the boy that this girl likes. DD has been friends with boy since they were young and has no interest in him. DD has ignored her and so it escalated to girl calling DD a name daily which DD said didn't bother her and she wants to ignore. Ok but its been going on for months. Yesterday right before she was to start pitching at a softball game the girl and four other girls came over and started yelling it in front of everyone and asking DD if she knew what it meant...I couldn't stop myself...I walked over to the girls and called them over as they started to walk away...they tried to say that they weren't talking to her but I told them that she knew what the name meant and so did I and asked them why they couldn't find anything better to do than come to a softball game to start trouble. They were all pretty embarrassed as I know their parents well. I told them I knew they didn't start the name calling but that I was disappointed that they felt like they wanted to participate it in...especially in front of other kids and other parents.

Two of the girls left and the othe two came back with the girl who started it and sat behind home plate while DD pitched- she struck two girls out and caught a popup hit for a 1,2,3 inning- they must have been disappointed as they left after that one inning.

DD says she is half glad i said something and half fearing I made it worse. DH thinks that I should have let DD just keep ignoring it. A teacher who was at the field said that I did the right thing.....

I hate these situations because I feel there is no good outcome...what would you do or what have you done in the past?

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anytime a child is being picked on at school you need to talk to the principle and teacher. If the problems continue, keep a journal with dates, what was said, who said it. After awhile confront the principle and tell him that he doesn't stop it, you will take the journal to a lawyer. My niece did that and the bullying stopped immediately.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2008 at 8:13PM
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I think you did the right thing. Since you know the girls' parents and they know that you do, I'm guessing that's all it will take. If not, then I'm all for Stargazzer's approach. One-on-one disagreements are one thing, but for a whole gang of girls to get together is major bullying.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2008 at 8:45PM
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You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing!
Don't second-guess your motherly impulse, you were right to defend your daughter against this aggression.
Don't worry about making it worse - it won't get worse from this.
It would have been a betrayal of your daughter to sit there and say nothing.
IMO, her ignoring it only allowed it to escalate...stuff like this needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as it starts.

You're a good mother, you did good!

    Bookmark   May 31, 2008 at 9:02PM
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I agree with stargazzer.. the school has to be made aware of the problem. Going to the parents in these situations often doesn't help because well,-think about it, they are the ones that raised the bully. I don't know what the right answer is to how you handled the situation, but I can't imagine doing anything differently myself. It sounds like ignoring it is not solving anything. I guess only time will tell if you made it worse or better, but at least you tried. It scares me though that 3 of them had the gall to come back to 'taunt' her in effect (if I understood that right) even after your confrontation. It sounds like even with you there there, they didn't totally back down which is kinda scary; what is going to happen when you are not there?

Again, be sure to talk to school officials about it. Don't wait for more to happen; this has gone on long enough and it sounds as if it could escalate to something serious rather quickly.

I have a guy friend who was picked on and beat up at school; he suffered a bad concussion - not to mention the the esteem problems that were created from being constantly picked on. I think he wishes his mother had gotten involved.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2008 at 9:10PM
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Thanks for the support- I think that is what I most needed:) I think that I did the right thing. I've only involved the school once (first week of middle school- same girl) and they were all over it and it stopped.

The girl who is the primary problem has a terrible home life (no mom, dad in jail, lives with grandmother) and DD actually feels sorry for her and isn't surprised by her behavior she does it to everyone. What surprised me the most were two of the other four girls are/were? friends. One girls little brother was in the hospital this year and we used to drive her home after school everyday and DD used to visit the brother in the hospital. Calling her mom won't help she had admitted that she has lost control and has just given up. The other girl has this weird fascination with DD (other people have noticed it to-even teachers) They used to be best friends (long story but it ended) and DD moved on to other friends and girl got dumped by the group of girls she was trying to get in with/impress. Since they have mutual friends DD invited her the her birthday party last week so I was very disappointed to see her at the softball game. Her parents are very nice but they are the- let the kids work it out for themselves---we don't get involved in fights between kids kind of people.

I've decided to make a noticeable visit to the school tomorrow to talk to the guidance counselor (last time she told me that the girl in question was bothering lots of girls) so maybe that's the case again this time. If this had happened after school or in passing it might not bother me so much but to come to a game to start trouble in front of parents and then to stay for part of the game after you've behaved badly is a little frightening.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2008 at 1:19PM
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I think you did the right thing, absolutely.

Try to remain "this behavior is unacceptable, you need to behave like this...."

Good idea to be more noticeable at school.

Sometimes, as parents, we need to step in set a standard of conduct...otherwise how do kids know what to do ? Teens need boundaries of conduct. And we need to persist !

All the best with it all.

Also remember, things always get better.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2008 at 8:06PM
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One of the girls apologized to DD and said she wouldn't do it again. The ringleader and two different girls showed up for the game last night and were yelling the name but when DH got there-they left. We talked to DD last night and gave some of your suggestions and a few of our own and let her know that ignoring it was no longer an option. DD opted to talk to her favorite teacher at the end of the day today for advice and support. She feels that anything coming from us will make it worse but she agrees that it is time to take action.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2008 at 1:11PM
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I think you did the right thing... infact I am dissappointed that teachers and coaches didnt do something. Actually, I would be poed especially after the second incident at the game again...since it is a school event (or maybe I am assuming that) school rules should still apply therefore they should have stepped in.

I definately would have said something... heck I would have said something even if it wasnt my daughter that they were yelling at ...but that is just me. It is good to let your daughter try and handle it on her is a great lesson in life... just keep and eye out and dont let her fear of escalation keep you from stepping in if need be.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2008 at 2:05PM
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You did the right thing.

You keep referring to the name. What is it? I am curious b/c if it's vulgar then I think this is even more of an issue.

If this is a shcool function then the principal needs to be called in.

In this day and age we have to worry about girls 'kidnapping' other girls and hurting them. I'm thinking of that girl in FL where she was beaten up repeatedly.

I'd also call the boys parents and let them know about this, and see if they can talk to the girl that has started this. Clearly I wouldn't want my son dating a girl like this.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2008 at 12:55PM
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well the sh**t hit the fan, this girl had aboy in her class call DD and a friend to come see his new dog- when they walked over- there were 4 girls there so DD and friend went back to friends house and the girls followed and began a physical fight which a parent ran out and broke up.

I spoke with the VP of school and guidance counselor and at the advice of a friend who is a police officer filed a complaint and a protection from harrassment order which was granted (temporary) court is next month and the police served to parents of two girls who are the main problem.

Yes, the name was vulgar, there is a new boy whose parents I know and I will speak to them and I did speak to the parents of other girls that were there- the girl's mom didn't even know her daughter was with this girls as she is not allowed to be with her.

I am hoping this will put an end to it but while I was waiting for the judge to sign the order there were 3 other moms doing the exact same thing... one girl's mother told me she was attacked by 9 kids- 5 girls and 4 boys and they filmed it to put on you tube- the school was able to get the video. WHAT is going on in middle school these days?????

    Bookmark   June 13, 2008 at 8:33PM
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I am so sorry. I was so afraid of something like that. These girls today are mean. I blame partial lack of parenting, all this reality crap out there that is on Youtube and things like that.

I hope your daughter is okay. I would be all over the school like white on rice.

I also would make this public knowledge asap and call a town hall type meeting with parents.

People need to be aware of this situation and the more people that know the better off you will be.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2008 at 9:09PM
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Thanks, my daughter is fine she defended herself and punched the girl in the nose but started to cry when the mom came out because she said she was didn't want to be thought of as a girl who fights.

The mom of the other girl was very shaken and told me that she decided not to watch the video of her daughter being attacked. I thought that was a good choice. She also said she decided not to press charges against these girls because it takes so long.

The officer who came to the house said that there is almost nothing that can be done to stop these girls except continually calling the police and hope they stop. It's ridiculous.

I am on the school who is trying to handle it delicately. DD has a field trip to a beach Monday and I will be bringing the protection order to school. DH is going so he thinks we should not pressure the school the keep this girl from attending the field trip. DD is nervous about her being there. I'm the typical mom- I don't want a girl who can't behave anywhere near my daughter and I have a judge that agrees with me.....I don't know??? what do you think..should I pressure the school or leave it alone?

    Bookmark   June 14, 2008 at 10:23AM
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Frankly if the other girl cannot get along with her classmates (any or all) then I don't think she should benefit from the reward of going on the field trip. But I admit my parenting style could be seen as "old fashioned". Worked well, though! :-)

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 1:23AM
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What exactly did you daughter get... a temporary restraining order against her? I'm not really all that familiar with those type of things, but I would definitely make sure your school is provided with the papers and knows that the girls need to stay apart. Ask them how they are planning on handling it; will one of the girls not get to go, will a security guard go on the field trip, what? I doubt parents can take responsiblity to enforce this.

I would guess the school could get their but&s sued off if they were aware of the situation, didn't take the necessary precautions (or ignored it), and something happened... Make sure they know that. No school wants to be in the middle of a law suit. I would bet they'd come up with a solution if they realize you will hold the school responsible if something happens. I mean, you're not supposed to threaten a law suit, but there are ways you can let them know this is very serious, the law is already involved, and you expect them to make sure your daughter is safe at school and school functions.

Don't be afraid to bring it up. About the saddest thing I saw in your last post was (in regards to the other mom with a bully problem):

"She also said she decided not to press charges against these girls because it takes so long".

I can't believe that mom...Let them beat the cr*p out of her daughter and then do nothing about it because it "takes too long". What message is that telling her daughter?

These cases shouldn't be ignored or handled "delicately"... let the school know that!

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 11:19AM
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We have a temporary order for protection from harrassment good until we go to court. If I get an order in court it will be good for one year.

I plan to bring it to school Monday and ask them to outline how they will enforce it for the remainder of the school year which is only a week but still. This summer my daughter won't have any contact with them as they run the streets and she volunteers as boy scout camp and babysits.

DH will be on the field trip so I'm not worried about her being safe, I'm disappointed that we have to babysit thie girls behavior because her parents haven't done their job.

The school called Friday night and said the reason these girls did this was because DD and her friend hugged a boy before a game that one of these girls likes and that started it all. I told the VP- that's not the reason, that's their excuse! and I'm not dismissing this incident for any reason based on the previous threats and the constant harrassment. The couselor told me she had "been successful" having this girl see the other persons point of view and apologize many time before as she realizes she has a bad which I replied..we'll you weren't too successful because she's still at it...

I'm so mad about this whole thing- I'm seething. I've always told our kids to tell the teacher and now I find out the teachers can't, won't, don't do anything. Who wants to be the mom that has to go threaten the school to keep their kids safe? or spend all day in court waiting for an order? If DD was a problem child I would understand that they are doing the best they can with her but she isn't even doing anything and despite how many times these girls have been spoken to- they don't stop! It's complete foolishness.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 3:05PM
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You did the right thing. It happened right in front of you, you can't pretend you didn't see it. I would have done the same thing, no matter who they were taunting! That is just wrong. I also would have told their parents what had happened, because they should know how their kids act when out of their eyesight!

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 1:03PM
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What a mess! But I'm in 100% agreement with the way you're handling things. And IMO, the more parents that know that this girl is bullying other kids and roping their little darlings into the bullying, the more support you're going to have. Perhaps not from the bully's parents (who are likely part of the problem) but from the parents of the kids who are being influenced. If I found out my child had been one of the group that 'lured' your DD into a trap, I'd hit the roof, with a long lecture and handwritten letter of apology to follow, and I doubt I'm unique in that approach.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 6:49PM
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What a bunch of crap. A 13 year old has to put up with this nonsense? When I read stuff like this -- I start saving for Catholic school.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2008 at 10:34PM
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DD was in catholic school until 4th grade when we moved and she'll be going to a catholic high school so she only has one more year in public school. I have court on friday for the judge to hear our case for a permanent order. DD is nervous about going since she hasn't seen these girls since school ended.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2008 at 10:17PM
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That is absolutely apalling. I would threaten to bring the media in if they do not address it NOW. What happened to the so-called zero tolerance rule for bullying?

You are doing the right thing, I would file a civil suit against the parents if they can't control their kid.

Best of luck to you & your DD!

    Bookmark   July 18, 2008 at 12:47AM
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thank you.....we had our court date and the girls and their parents did not even show up for the hearing so we got the year long protection order...

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 10:48PM
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