Any Mothers estranged from daughters by choice?
My daughter was a model as a teenager. The pressure got to her and she began what turned out to be a long battle with drugs, alcohol, and bulimia that continues to this day. She ended up having a baby girl and I had to take that child away from her at 15 months old because I kept finding her all alone in my daughter's apartment because my daughter was out doing drugs. She is 10 now and has been raised equally by myself and the paternal grandparents.
My life with my daughter has been so dramatic that I couldn't possibly begin to explain it all here and some of it is so twisted it's nearly unbelivable anyway. Let me try and give you the cliff notes version. After taking her daughter away from her I paid for and went through three abortions with her and then attended the birth of three more babies...all boys...who were adopted out to other people. All three were born with drugs in their little systems. I had her daughter but she didn't want me to take the boys because she blames me for taking her daughter away from her. I have also been there for two of her suicide attempts...once cutting her wrists and once by overdose. I have pulled her out of crack addicts houses and found her passed out in alleys. I have spent thousands on rehabs, group and private therapy. She has a boyfriend of seven years that she lives with and neither one pay their bills. Anytime they have to go to the emergency room or doctor or owe someone they give my address and phone as their own so that all their collections come to me. I have tried to keep a relationship with her but it is draining me beyond what I can handle. She treats me terribly, and anytime she doesn't get what she wants....meaning me paying for whatever she wants me to pay for....she tells me she hates me and that I am a horrible, evil person who doesn't love her and that I have never done anything for her. She tells me I am a terrible mother because it is my job to take care of her and fix her problems and that she would NEVER treat her daughter the way I treat her. Now, remember, she is 28 yrs. old and isn't even raising her daughter...I am, with the help of the paternal grandparents.
Three days ago she got mad at me because I wouldn't keep adding pre-paid phone time to her phone so she could talk to her boyfriend who got arrested for driving his motorcycle 120 miles an hour with no helmet and then the police discovered outstanding warrants on him. I did it once...it was $20 for one 15 minute call from jail and within 30 minutes she was calling me saying they used it all up and I needed to pay for more. I refused, so began screaming into the phone that I never did anything for her. I reminded her I have spent thousands on her and am also raising her daughter. She started screaming over me...wouldn't listen...just screaming back that I have never raised her daughter and that I was a piece of sh!t. Obviously that is not true because I have had her daughter for over 8 years now but just hearing her deny that after all I have sacrificed to not only take care of her but to also raise her child was more than I could take and I told her I was done with her and to never call me again. I am leaving a LOT out. She says very, very cruel, hateful, evil things to me and then when she calms down she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and how she can't make it without me.
One of the most cruel things she did happened last year when she came to my house high on several different drugs and tried to steal her daughter out of my house. She tried to knock me up against the wall and then she barracaded herself up in a bedroom with her daughter and locked the door. I had to call 911. When the police came she told them I had molested her all her life and was now molesting her child. Then she looked at them as if she was just now opening her eyes and said "Are you cops??" and took off running through my neighborhood. It took two police cars to catch her. One of the policemen told me that if that was his daughter he would kick her to the curb and I needed to do the same. They of course did not believe her claims, either, but by law were required to write it in their report, which meant a social worker showed up at my little granddaughter's school and questioned her. It scared her to death and she doesn't want much to do with her mother anymore. She has seen way too much and she doesn't like to be around her. We have all suffered at her expense. When she is high she will do and say anything. She has stolen from me, her sister, and some of our other relatives and pawned our things to get money for drugs. She is no longer allowed in her sister's home because of what she has done and the lies she told about me. And, not that this matters but a lot of this has been downright embarrassing. We live in an upscale neighborhood and to have her running from the cops down my street was more than a little humiliating. I am drained and I don't think I can take anymore. I will always love her, no matter what she does, but only because she is my daughter...NOT because she has earned it. She is the most ungrateful person I have ever met in my entire life. I just do not think I can continue to have contact with her. She is very abusive and I have spent the past 14 years tolerating it. It isn't healthy. I did not speak to her for four months after the situation with the humiliating "molestation" event but eventually I did take her phone call and she cried and apologized and begged her way back into my life. Her excuse was that she was high and didn't know what she was saying.
The problem is things will go half way decently as long as she is sober but the second she is on a binge or high her abuse of me starts all over again. I have always been known to everyone as a strong person but this is my daughter we're talking about here, and my heart gets involved. I have to say, she doesn't love me. Love does not treat people like she treats me and even when she isn't drinking or high the only thing she wants to call me for is to complain about whatever current mess she is in and most calls involve a request for me to "fix" it for her...whatever "it" is. She doesn't have a relationship with me for me....but only for what I can do for her and when I don't come through I am a piece of crap who has never done anything at all for her. Other than the amount in my purse she knows nothing about my life. She doesn't know what my hobbies are, who my friends are, what books or movies I like or anything else about me. All I am is a wallet and when the wallet doesn't spit the money out, it gets used and abused. I need peace. As horrible as it sounds, I need to end this relationship with my daughter but I already dread the crying calls I am going to get, promising she didn't mean it and swearing to change. I'm just curious if anyone else out there has been in a similar situation and has chosen to not have a relationship with their grown kids?