Teen son with much older woman

milo4May 20, 2009

My 18 yr old fell for his co-worker almost a year ago when he was 17. Unbeknownst to me they were seeing each other and when he turned 18, he bolted out the door to stay with her, which lasted 2 months until she kicked him out to let her 23 year old ex husband back in. 2 more months go by, the ex leaves so she calls my son to apologize how she treated him and they decide to give it another go, so he leaves again. This past weekend, he broke it off with her, came home and then caved and went back. This woman is 40 yrs old (a few years younger than me) with two teenage girls that are always in trouble and have been kicked out of school. My heart is broken that he chooses this misfit life for himself, as he wasnt raised this way. He doesnt want to hear anything we have to say on the subject. His only statement is that we dont know how he feels and that he'll never connect with anyone the same way. The second time he went back, I laid low and didnt say anything and let him forge on with his choice. When he's with her, he's not himself and he's not a very nice person. She brings out the absolute worst in him. I've made myself sick over this and I just dont know what to do anymore.

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tracystoke

when i was 18.i went out with a heroin addict.I absolutely loved the guy,my first love.my parents were worried sick,my mother was so worried ,like you.she made herself bad,i was raised the best possible,and always rememembered what my parents tought me.they didnt see it because i came across across as a cheeky teenager,i did things that would make them worry ,but i never took drugs like they thought i would.Your son knows that woman is bad knews its just a matter of time untill he ,grows up,beleive me he will.sad fourty year old,something wrong with her i think,wots up with her does she drink or smoke cannibas

    Bookmark   May 20, 2009 at 5:19PM
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popi_gw

I heard a doctor on the radio the other day talking about mothers and sons. She said that the son learns by the age of 12, all the good things his mother can pass onto him. That is how to live his life, how to be a good, kind, compassionate human etc etc.

The doctor went on to say that from around 12 onwards, until about 21 (or even older, can't really remember) the son just doesn't "need" his mother. He needs her for practical things but emotionally he is finding his own way. Basically a mother has to tread very carefully around those years, otherwise her son will totally shut down and not speak to her ! It is a nature thing where the son is learning to be a man. Mind you this is where the father comes in, and the "man" teaching goes on for those years.

I thought this was really interesting as I tip toe around my own 17 year old son. It explained a lot, to me.

I thought this information might be useful to you, in your situation, as you are tortured by the antics of your son. Is his father around ?

Really I am not sure there is much you can do. The worst you can do is lecture him, or tell him what to do. I really think you just have to work really hard at keeping the communication channels open, so he will come and talk to you about anything that could be bothering him. You just do not want to shut him down, by criticizing him or getting all upset in front of him.

I think you have to think about putting your, very valid, concerns aside and trust him. You know how you have brought him up, you know he won't let you down. He is testing the waters, at this point, and he will come to realize it is a very murky water he is wading into.

I know this is not easy - as I am in a similar situation with my DD - but you have this forum to vent. There are people here who will listen and sympathise. So try not to worry....

All the best to you.

Popi

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 3:51AM
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pjb999

That is a tough one. I think all you can do is be there for him when it all turns pear-shaped, and don't judge him too harshly (and keep that to yourself, as you know, he will hear nothing bad about her) - the heart wants what the heart wants, as they say.

When I was young I dated a couple of older women with kids, not quite the age difference, me 21 she 31 sorta thing, I broke it off with the significant one when I came to, as it were. I agree the woman has some issues, especially with a 23 yo ex husband?

Hang in there.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 4:17AM
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milo4

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and advise. I think being a parent is the toughest job in the world. When your kids do something that you know is going to hurt them, you want to scream it from a mountain top so that they'll listen, but they never do. His dad is very much involved and they talk about it sometimes, but only on my son's terms. My husband tell him that this woman already had her fun and is now middle aged and that he's missing out on so much, watching his friends from a distance and what they're experiencing at this precious moment in time. Our son will open up more to him than to me, so Popi that article does hold merit. It's just so very difficult knowing the control she has over him. I told him that it's my job as mom to shine up his wings and put the finishing touches on things before he flys from the nest and she took that from me. He just barley graduated from high school this week. She talked him into changing bank accts, getting a tattoo, she picks out his clothes and loads him up with jewelry. When I look at him, I dont even see my son anymore. I feel that all he is to her is a boy toy. I said that to him once and he'll never let me forget it. I just want to slap the crap out of her.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 10:10AM
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popi_gw

You say he just finished high school, is he planning tertiary study ?

At least he is still talking to you and your hubbie.

Very difficult situation for you.

Can you do any checking up on he woman, she does sound a bit strange.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 6:03PM
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khandi

Buy him some condoms! LOL Seriously! Maybe she's already "fixed" lol but never hurts to make sure. Also will help protect him from sexually transmitted diseases.

My nephew was seeing an older woman at that age too. My SIL was so upset. Nothing she could do. He came around eventually and got someone more his own age and never looked back.

IMO, your husband said the right thing. Explaining to him why a woman that age is doing this and why her kids are the way they are might help him "see clearly".

Help him realize too that his friends are moving on without him and he's missing some of the best times of his life with them which he can never get back.

What are his friends saying about this?

Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 7:21AM
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milo4

The intimate issue has already been addressed with him and other than this little stunt, my son is a pretty smart kid and he know's what precautions to take. His friends give him grief all the time about the woman he's with and it was because of them that he broke it off with her last weekend. But he wasnt strong enough and went back to her. My other son is 21 and is away at school. He calls and tells his brother about all the college girls and dating and everything he's going to miss out on. Right now, nothing is getting through. He's leaving to spend the weekend with his brother, so we're hoping that might help. I know it will make her mad! LoL

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 1:39PM
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popi_gw

That is great that the intimate issue has been addressed and you can trust him in that area. It would be a disaster to bring a child into the world.

Great - he has gone to stay with his brother !

Subtley reminding him of what he is missing out on is a very wise tack to take. I use that all the time with my two !

Sounds like it will all be sorted out - you will be fine.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:47AM
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poppingrays

This too, shall pass. I have a feeling your son is just reaping the benefits of being "mothered" but gets to be out from under the watchful eyes of his parents. He will soon figure out that this older woman comes with more baggage than he's willing to carry and will move on from her. I can't say that I know any relationship with those age/gender factors that has ever succeeded. So , no worries! He'll figure it out.

As a mother of a teenage son, myself, it would take a lot of restraint for me to not go and have some words with the "older woman" and ask her what in the world was she doing with a kid more than half her age... There is just something wrong with her!

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 9:28AM
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finedreams

I dated a guy when i was very young, he was the same age, he ended up dumping me lOL for a woman in her 50s, yeap. early 50s. they were working together. he got a large inheritance from grandparents that included car, a nice small flat, and some other stuff. he shared it at work and that woman started getting very close to him right after that.

this woman convinced him to marry her, somehow managed to make him to write his flat and car on her name (he was so much under her influence)and after she got a lot of his stuff in her hands, she filed for divorce.

since everything was on her name she got all of that stuff. he lost his place. I am serious. She was not only very much odler, she looked that way, she was also morbidly obese and pretty ugly.

I think that woman is after something. hope your soon won't marry her otherwise he will pay for her daughters' college tuition or whatever else she wants from him. decent women do not date much younger boys.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2009 at 12:30PM
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terra1952

I can relate to your situation....parenting isn't easy and I'm sure you've done your best. I have tried to lead a simple life, but I do not because life itself does not foster simplicity; especially in the United States.

Take any life on any posting and you will find a whole caravan of complications, especially when it comes to parenting. Your son has chosen a path that's difficult not only for you, but for many others close to him; who, like you, try to understand but can't figure it out. When asked Why, or What to do, there are no good Answers. "Truth can be stranger than fiction" and the truth is, when asked, even your son may not (ever) know why. Such are the mysteries of life.

Posted by milo4 (My Page) on Wed, May 20, 09 at 16:25
I've made myself sick over this and I just dont know what to do anymore.

ANSWER: do what all the World's creatures do in the Animal Kingdom when their young have reached the age of seperation- let them go, and choose a new path, and direction in your Life that is more focused on you and the joys of Life, rather than its dissapointments.

Perhaps in time he will "wake up" to a new day and realize how important his parents and family are....then again he may repeat this pattern through out his adult life. We all know one thing about Life: it's forever changing, and healthy human beings embrace those changes for what they are: good, bad or indifferent.

Good Luck.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 8:46AM
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