grown daughter doesnt want to take care of son

julie1954May 1, 2009

Hi, I am new here and could really use some advice. I have a 21 year old daughter that I let move back home with her 18 month old son. She has no job, does not seem willing to find a job and now she has decided she doesn't like being a Mom anymore. She refuses to stay here and pretty much lives out of her car and goes from friends to friends house. I have been keeping her son 4 days a week and his other grandmother keeps him the other 3 days. I have some health issues I have to deal with soon which will make it hard for me to carry my grandson or do any lifting, but I dont trust my daughter to take care of him and when she does stay here, hardly ever, she does not help out at all. No dishes, cleaning , etc. Just sleeps or talks on the phone. I buy all his food, diapers etc to make sure he eats decent. I would never put him in foster care. Is there any help I can get in daycare etc. temporarily while I recover from surgery?

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oh you poor lady,is your daughter alchohol or drug dependent.if so kick her out.if not then she has mental problems.either way she needs help.its not fair on you,You are a brill grand mother.cant the other grandmother have the child for them days you are in recovery.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 4:49PM
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I don't know of anything but maybe you could talk to Social Services and see if they can have someone come and stay with you while you are getting back on your feet, just to take care of the grandson. Or possibly the other grandmother can take care of him while you are getting better. As far as your daughter, I think you need to ask her to leave but I do know that this can be difficult.

Good luck and keep us posted.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 9:41PM
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Yea, you are a brilliant grandmother. I wish you all the best. You have been patient with your daughter.

Could you appeal to your daughter - surely she would help out if she knows you can't get things done. Any other relatives who could help out ?

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 12:01AM
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I would not contact social services as that opens the door for them to say she's an unfit mother and put him in foster care. She may be a poor excuse for a mother but you don't need to lose him too.
I'd talk to the other grandmother and relatives to see what can be arranged. When you are back on your feet, you may want to consider legal guardianship. You could still share him with the other grandmother and include him in all the family events.
It appears your daughter has chosen her lifestyle and it does not include consideration for her son or for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's hard to do with your own child but when you are well and grandson's care is planned, I'd tell her her have a good life and close the door. Your grandson needs security and stability in a loving home.
Take care

    Bookmark   May 2, 2009 at 9:13PM
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Julie, look into something called kinship care. The requirements vary from state to state, but would allow you to take care of your grandchild, with compensation. Yes it does have it's implications, however it's still preferable for a family member to have temporary custody.
However you want to look at it, your daughter is currently unable and/or unwilling to be a mom.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2009 at 3:19PM
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Unless your state is much more well off financially than most, it's highly likely that even if social services decides his mother isn't the best caregiver for your grandson, they will try to place him with a family member. That's generally what happens around here, at lease, if there's anyone at all in the family who is remotely interested and capable of caring for the child, so I wouldn't be overly concerned that a call for a little help would necessarily shunt him immediatley into the foster system. However, it probably would be a good idea to check around to make sure how things work in your specific jurisdiction.

What about calling a home health service? Explain the situation to them and ask what help they can offer and what it will cost. After all, young mothers sometimes need to have medical procedures, so I'm sure the appropriate temporary help is available--you just need to find it. What about hiring a responsible babysitter? Will your medical 'time off' be in the summer? you might be able to find a teacher or responsible college student who might like a couple of extra weeks pay during her vacation.

If you belong to a church or other group, you might find a few women there who would be happy to pitch in.

The one thing I wouldn't do is force your dd to take care of a child she has no interest in. I know it's an extreme case, but wouldn't little Kaleigh (sp?) Anthony have been better off if her mother had been allowed to put her up for adoption, rather than being forced to keep her by her mother? I'm definitely NOT saying your dd is like Casey, but I also don't think it would be in your gchild's interest to have an unintersted mother caring for him. Sorry to say, but her behavior is very symptomatic of a person with an addiction.

there's plenty of help around for you--I'm confident you and the other grandmother will find a way. One solution might be to put the child in daycare during the day (M-F) so the other grandmother only has to watch him a few hours a day. There are child care/day care facilities that will take short term cases like this, but you may have to do a little digging to find one. Good luck

    Bookmark   May 3, 2009 at 10:28PM
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I was thinking what sophiesmom said. In my state I think it is guardianship. But I had a friend in high school who got a girl pregnant. The girl had their son and soon after decided to take off with another guy and leave their son behind. So he had their son full-time. Well he did not stop his partying, etc so his mom took custody of his son. She was able to get help through the state to pay for childcare costs while she worked. Not sure if they would pay for childcare while she was home recovering from surgery though.

What about having your daughter stay at your house with her son while your recovering. This way you could supervise her taking care of him. Does she know about your health issues? Where is the child's father?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2009 at 10:29PM
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My suggestions: 1-If in your heart, your want to parent your grandchild, you could probably get legal custody...if you do not, in Wisconsin anyway, there is something called "respite care" I guess you would have to contact social services, but it could carry you over the hump.
Also-I suggest separating 1-basic care and respect for yourself 2-love and caring, and maybe the need to "let go" with your daughter, and 3-your concerns about your grandchild.
Not easy, visualizing for you...Kali
Let us know how this goes.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 8:58PM
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Could your daughter be experiencing postnatal depression? It can occur 2 years after giving birth.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 10:25PM
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Your grandchild is still a baby, so it is a long road ahead to raise this child. If you really do not want to raise another child, and your daughter clearly has no interest, perhaps there is a family who would love the opportunity to raise this little guy in a loving home. There are some "open" adoptions where you can have a relationship with your grandson. Someone I know adopted a child this way.

There are so many couples who desperately want a child and cannot have one, and would love this little guy and care for him the way he deserves.

Have you, your daughter and the other grandmother considered looking into something like this? It sounds like you and the other grandmother are enabling your daughter to take little responsibility in caring for her child, as you are both so ready to do it for her.

Would the child's father be able to care for him? Is he involved in his son's life, in a positive, and healthy way?

It would seem to be in the child's best interest to take a realistic, and good, hard look at reality as it exists and not how you wish it to be. What is in the best interest of this beautiful baby to give him a loving, safe, and happy childhood?

    Bookmark   May 6, 2009 at 3:06PM
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Please face facts and reality.

1. You have health issues.

2. Your daughter is no mother.

3. Find a real home for this kid.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2009 at 9:55PM
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Thats terrible,thank goodness the grandmother is as decent as she is.left to the last 2 posters this child would be dumped in care.julie was asking advice for temporary help not wether she should give the child up.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 4:02AM
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Tracystoke: Please re-read my post. I am in no way suggesting that this child be dumped in care (what ever that is, but I will assume you are referring to foster care)? I spoke of an "open" adoption, and never suggested foster care.

If you read my post, I am suggesting that they "consider" allowing a couple who desperately wants a child, but is unable to have one, raise this beautiful baby in an "open" adoption, where julie can have a relationship with her grandchild. It is a long road ahead to raise this baby to adulthood. The mother has no interest in raising her child. The grandparents are passing him back and forth to try and take care of the daughters baby for her. Perhaps it is in the baby's best interest to allow a family desperately wanting a baby, (who is unable to have a child) adopt this beautiful baby and give him a real home with parents who are desperate to be parents.

Julie, we have no idea what age bracket you are in, and if you or the other set of grandparents really want to raise another child. We also do not know if the father is involved, and if he is a healthy and positive parent to this baby.

It sounds like you really need to think this through with your daughter, and the other grandparent, and yourself, and perhaps a counselor to determine what is best for this beautiful baby.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 9:28AM
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