Estrangement from special Ed Adult Son

icedtea40May 4, 2012

I have no idea where to turn for help with this situation...I will explain. My son just turned 19, he is Aspergers (High-functioning Autism) and can pass as you or I if not questioned too long due to the training he received when he was younger with social stories and my continuous work with him. However, for the most part, Asperger children are about 2/3rds the age they really are. Which makes him 13yrs old. A 13yr old with adult raging hormones...

He met a woman on XBox Live and starting conversing with her in Oct 2011. She was out of state and 40yrs old with two boys older than him. He changed drastically during this time and kept this 'relationship' secret. She broke up with a guy in Iowa and moved here to find and be with someone in his teenage group, homeless, on Social Security and no job or one in mind. She had been communicating with his friends from age 14-19 also and, I have been told by them, hit on many of them and took their money, too. When she moved here, he started staying out at night, sometimes all night, stopped doing chores he had at the house, stopped job-hunting. He asked if she could move in and the answer was 'no.' He kept asking, and kept getting 'no'.I found her a shelter which she would not stay at because she had to be in too early at night. She started sneeking in his window and was living in his closet for two weeks before I found out (I work fulltime)! Brazenly taking showers at my house and eating our food. My elderly dad lives with me and she would do this with him there, just not get caught. Shortly after getting caught, he was visiting her at a Travelog and I blewup!...police were called. He moved in with her before Xmas...he had no job, nor did she. My ex decided to 'help' him out and pay for an apartment rather than talk sense into him! Now my son thinks his childhood was all lies by me and my ex has been hiding my son and neither he nor my son will speak to me! after 5 months and being told I am no longer his Mom, I went to see my son and he and she, again, called the police! We were just talking thru his door which he wouldn't open! This woman was telling him what to say the whole time! She has isolated him from his entire friend base and family...he will not talk with or see anyone and my ex is supporting this behaviour!! Oh, did I mention I have NEVER MET HER!!

I am a wreck! It has been suggested that I call Adult Protective Services by professionals I have consulted. I am afraid for him as he is not thinking as an adult, still has no job, his Dad is not communicating with me to let me know if he is even alive. I encouraged my son to always see his Dad when being raised, which he did. How do I make this woman stop the abuse of my son!

Any suggestions would be welcomed.

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Is there any other responsible person who could talk to your son, in a very tactful way - and report back to you ?

You need some professional counselling to help you deal with this problem.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 3:13AM
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First, I said in my post that he has cut off all contact with family and friends except his Dad. There is noone to talk to him because he cut them all off...
Next, I blew up at the travelog because he would not let me talk to her or meet her and she was encouraging my son to stay with her sexually, and stay away from his family. I did not know where he was and this had happened a few times until I just called one of his friends at the time and made him tell me where he was with her. Also, he blew up at me too and shoved me and she could be heard over us both in the background and threatened to beat me up! It was not just me...and I am seeing someone, thank you.

I really need to talk to someone who has gone through this with a special needs child. Anyone out there???

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 6:41PM
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So have you called Adult Protective Services?

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 9:14PM
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I am torn....doing this...calling Adult Protective Services...will most likely cause more damage to our relationship, if there is still one. Also, he is not in any physical danger at the moment. So it would just be a crazy Mom who doesn't want her son to grow up.

Thank you for asking, Susanjn.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2012 at 12:25PM
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Mmmmmmm......IMO there's a difference between "being a crazy Mom who doesn't want her son to grow up" and "being a caring Mom who wants to stop her son being preyed upon by an unscrupulous person". I mean, what honest woman lives in a 20 years younger man's closet for two weeks? Is your ex totally conversant with what's going on?
Think: if your son had met a nice young lady his age and started going out with her, even moved in together, would you feel the same way? If not, you're not "a crazy Mom who doesn't want her son to grow up".

    Bookmark   May 8, 2012 at 2:34AM
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Thank you for the encouragement, colleenoz. You are right...I am not crazy, just very, very concerned.

No woman I have ever met would do what she has done. Living in the closet. Hating his Mom and family. Turning him into a person on welfare when it was not necessary for him to survive...he had a home, just didn't want to follow the few rules and try to grow up a bit to carry his weight.

If he had met someone nice and young, he wouldv'e not been embarrassed to introduce her to me and I would be involved in their lives. He would be planning college or a job rather than where his next meal is coming from.

My Ex is out for one thing...revenge. He wants to make me hurt...badly. I am not being self absorbed here. I think that this is really true. I will briefly explain: Our breakup was due to spousal abuse and I thru him in jail after hitting me one time! Then, it was out the door. He left me with two kids and no money as he had moved it all into his name. I was 'in love' and didn't pay attention thinking we were a team and he would never hurt me or the kids.

I was on my feet after a year, but that was 8 years ago, my son has been raised with me, my ex had to go to AA to stop drinking and had to give up his porn. Heaven forbid...I embarrassed him! But I also made sure, after he was clean, that his boy had a relationship with him. He has already turned his back on his other son from his first marriage (something unknown to me before marrying him!).

I think I am going to call adult protective services..... I think my son can talk his way through them but I will try to instill what has happened to them. Maybe they will see what I and all my doctors see...a preditor. Wish me luck and pray for us please, everyone!!

    Bookmark   May 8, 2012 at 1:43PM
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"Also, he blew up at me too and shoved me and she could be heard over us both in the background and threatened to beat me up!

My Ex is out for one thing...revenge. He wants to make me hurt...badly. Our breakup was due to spousal abuse........."

I would say that this is reason enough to call Adult Protective Services.

Your son and his girlfriend have both threatened you physically. Your Ex is still trying to hurt you. This is reason enough that none of them should NOT be allowed in or even NEAR your home.

If this were me, I'd change the locks immediately, burglar proof my house (locks on windows, etc) and let your son stay with his dad. Bet dad isn't likely to put up with the woman very long.

Let the local police department know what is going on. Ask them to drive by your house when you are at work. Ask them to check and see if she has a criminal record or prior history of preying on disabled persons.

Please check back and let us know how you are doing.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 10:02AM
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So many months further now. What has expired, I wonder? Did it blow up between your son and this woman and has he come home to you?
At the best of times it's impossible to talk sense into the head of a young man under those circumstances. Never mind into the head of an Aspie! I read that the more you push an Aspie, the harder he'll push back. All you end up in is a war zone. I've seen this happen between my son and his dad when my son was 19.
An old, wise uncle of mine with four sons and 12 grandchildren, entertaining an extremely close-knit family life (he and his wife are both 80) advised me years ago: Never ever criticize the choice of partner of your children. The more you criticize, the more they will want them. So when my son shacked up with a seemingly nice (but sickly, hypochondriachal) woman, I didn't say a word. It lasted three years. Had I advised against it, who knows how long it would have lasted.
Hopefully you have patched things up with your son, and if so, I thought I would give you my two cents' worth as the mother of an Aspie who is now 24. He turned his back on his family about a year ago and I tried for most of that time to get hold of him but he is ignoring me. I now let him stew. It's his choice and he must live with it. No amount of pushing him will do either of us any good. It's hard, but I will stand strong. An Aspie just doesn't understand much of emotions, what can you expect?

    Bookmark   December 4, 2012 at 3:23PM
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