Son dating older girl

BILLIE_INMay 10, 2005

I have a son 131/2 who always had lots of friends, including girlfriends. Nothing to make of it before as it's not as though they got togethor outside of school. He now has a "girlfriend" who just turned 16 and has her drivers license. Well she comes to our house (where I'm there with them) and he wants to go to there house. What do you think of this? I'm not too happy about the age thing and I don't want to be a grandparent at 33. But also, I don't want sneaking going behind my back. Any thoughts??

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colleencc

Well, if it holds true that girls mature faster than boys, she's not just 3 years older than him...she's technically years ahead of him. I wouldn't allow MY child to date someone that much older at that age...but, like you said, you may have issues if you try to keep them apart.

Well gee, I'm not much help!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2005 at 9:57PM
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lindac

And as I thought I said before....what does a 16 year old girl see in a 13 year old boy.....she has to have some major problems!
Linda C

    Bookmark   May 16, 2005 at 3:13PM
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Pashan

I have a 13 1/2 year old daughter and I agree that there is NOTHING a 16 year old girl should see in a 13 year old boy. They are WORLDS apart and have NO REASON to be going out.

Have you had rules in your house about "dating" up until now? In our house it's pretty common knowledge that there will be no dating until age 16. To be honest at 15 I'll make a judgement call and take maturity and responsibility into consideration. However at 13 I would simply say, "no dating until age 16 - period". If you don't allow them to go anywhere together alone (that would be a date) I imagine she will grow tired of her situation and move on to someone more suited to her age. When he wants to ride in a car with her, just say no. If there is somewhere you want to go, I will take you. You are 13 and being alone in a car with a girl is considered dating. Then you drive him to her house and drop her off. They'll get tired of it after a while.

What do her parents think? They must be appalled that their 16 year old daughter is "dating" a 13 year old boy.

My stomach turned when I read your post to be honest with you. I wouldn't allow this at all!!

~P

    Bookmark   May 16, 2005 at 11:36PM
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mary11

I feel for you, I have a son also entering this period of his life. But school dances and parent-supervised gatherings should be where your son is at right now.

Like Pashan, I wonder if her parents are aware of this situation. I would telephone them today and discuss the situation, even though it will most likely cause a rift between you and your son for a time. If you work full-time, I would encourage you to get a nanny (an mature one) to supervise him after school as he will still without a doubt will try to find a way to be with her. Or get him into some after-school sports program or whatever with zero downtime until you get home. This girl sounds very immature; perhaps she is afraid of boys her own age (they are too fast for her, rejection factor is high and she is not in control). Still, she is socially ahead of your son, she will expect the same things from him romantically as she would of a boy her own age. If you can make it very difficult for them to be alone together, she will move onto somebody else quickly. It's the nature of the beast, when one is a teen. Best wishes to you.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2005 at 7:33PM
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BILLIE_IN

Thanks for all your insight. I agree with all of you. I thought it was strange that a 16 would be interested in someone much younger too. When I was that age, girls dated older, not younger. I have met her and she is very polite and pretty. I don't think she'd have a problem finding someone to date her own age. I agrre she will tire of dating someone much younger but I'm trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. A 16 year old girl is way more mature than a 13 year old boy. It seems as though this is more common than I thought as several of the boys in my sons grade date girls in higher grades. Are times changing??

    Bookmark   May 18, 2005 at 2:15PM
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Cekimon

I wouldn't jump to conclusions assuming that there's major problems with the girl. Maybe your son is more mature than most? Maybe she's a bit immature for her age. Who knows - maybe she's had problems socially making friends and is more comfortable with people who are not her age. It doesn't make her the problem. HOWEVER, I would still have a problem with it. Do they go to the same school or is he is junior high and she in high school? If they go to the same school and he's almost 14... well... not much you can do except not allow him in the car while she's driving, etc. Can you contact her mom to make sure visits are supervised? The interest will probably be short-lived ... over within a month or two. When I was 14, I dated a 16 year old, and if your son is almost 14, then I don't see why a double standard. Just because *most* girls mature faster, doesn't mean that this situation isn't the exception to the norm.
Either way, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Just please don't assume there's major problems with the girl because of this until you know her full story.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2005 at 12:07AM
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sunrochy

I am 9 years older than my DH but he was 22 years old when we started dating and got married a year later. We still have to work with our difference relating to our life experience. That is MUCH different than a 13 yrs old boy dating a 16 yrs old girl. I would rather for him to wait until he is older to do that due to many reasons.

As a teacher, I know a student who is 17 years old (will be a senior this school year) dating a girl who is 4 years older (for 1 year now). She was my former middle school student so I admit that I was unsure about their relationship. Then I got to know the boy more and I was very impressed with his maturity level. Their parents are ok with it (They were wary at beginning as I was told). The boy spoke with me about the relationship and I let him know just to be aware that he is at the time when they are learning more about themselves and things may change when he graduates and goes to college or work. The relationship may last or not. Who knows until the time comes.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2005 at 5:47PM
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lucky32

Another thought is maybe she doesn't like going out with
guys her age due to raging hormones and pressures to make
out and have sex like most 16 year olds are doing these
days...and she just doesn't want to deal with the crap!
Just a thought???
My daughter is 14 and her BF just turned 17 although he looks 15 (poor thing). They met at church and I did think
he was her age at the time and didn't know there was such
an age gap til they had been "talking" and hanging out at
church together for a couple of weeks how old he actually
was...like I said he looks alot younger than some of these
17 yr olds I see at her HS that look like they are 20+.
They have been dating quite awile and he just got his license about 6 weeks ago, but he doesn't have a car. He rarely uses his parents vehicles and when he does he drives over here to watch a movie instead of one of us parents having to drive back and forth. Unfortunatly the endless rules we have made about the whole situation
and the NO going in the car alone thing doesn't always work like in this case the kids are like OK...we can just hang out here...which is OK then I can keep and eye on them. Or we all go to the movies together. He is actually a good kid so it's not so bad... I remember some of the losers I dated as a teen and I try to tell my girls they should always think better of themselves and respect themselves and NOT ever take crap from any guy or feel like
they HAVE to be dating someone ANYONE no matter what a jerk
he is because EVERYONE has a BF so I have to have one too!!! I dated more than my share of jerks just because
I thought I had to have a BF at all times to be "cool" uggh
So, sure I wish he was more her age but I know he is a good kid...still a teenager will be a teenager none of them are perfect by no means, but atleast hes not a jerk LOL :) and he treats her like a princess and IS afraid VERY afraid of her mom and dad like any good boy should be LOL :)
I guess it just depends on each teen and the circumstance but I would definatly keep a close eye on the whole thing!

    Bookmark   October 6, 2005 at 3:25AM
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socks

Could be that the young lady feels very safe with him, but as a mother of sons, I totally understand your concerns. It's good your son has lots of friends, and I'm willing to bet the friendship will fizzle as it will cut into time with friends. Encourage and support your son's participation in church or school activities, scouts, band, sports or whatever he likes. Take advantage of opportunities to have your son spend time with friends, take them to the movies or wherever they like to go, have the best friend overnight, etc. These activities will keep him busy in a way you like.

You could call her parents to be absolutely sure someone will be home when they are there, and hopefully you will have a rapport with her parents and can share your concern about the age difference.

Often when parents try to break up these relationships, it only pushes the kids together. Don't find fault with her when talking with your son. In my experience, these things usually work themselves out, but you do have to be keeping a close eye on things...where they are, who they are with, etc.

As for going in the car when she is driving, I'd be concerned about that. Sixteen year olds have so little driving experience, distraction of other teens in the car is risky business. Here in CA the law is that new teenage drivers cannot have other teenagers in the car with them 6 months after getting their licenses, and not at night either). Before they get too established running around in the car, you might want to put your foot down on that on the basis of safety. Tell your son you go by CA rules!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2005 at 11:43PM
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smom40

I just can't imagine letting my 13 1/2 old "date" no matter what their gender is. 13 year olds should be going to group events, not out dating officially, in my book. You want to 'go' with some guy/girl? Sure, on school property. But you're not going anywhere alone together.

And when it's time to 'date', the age differences between these two are just too great in my book. My thought wasn't that she was immature. My first thought was 'control'. She's got the car, she's probably got the money, ergo, she's in charge.

I'd rather see a more balanced situation. That 13 year old might end up sexually active long before its' his 'time'.

And I had to chuckle at the 'not much that you can do'. Oh if necessary, my child might find themselves in the badlands of South Dakota if cooperation wasn't occurring. ;)

    Bookmark   November 20, 2005 at 10:45PM
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Larson192_sbcglobal_net

Instead of assuming one of the two kids involved has problems, consider the fact that perhaps this boy is just very nice, sweet, or has other qualities that are attractive regardless of age. Now I can't say anything for sure as I don't know the boy, but it seems more likely than brain damage :)

    Bookmark   July 21, 2011 at 1:23AM
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silversword

Um... the 13 year old in question is around 19 now.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2011 at 12:52PM
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dreamgarden

This thread is really old but it brought a thought to mind.

34-year-old Mary Kay Letourneau and 13-year-old Vili Fualaau.

Yuck.

A link that might be useful:

www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/psychology/marykay_letourneau/1.html

    Bookmark   July 24, 2011 at 2:05PM
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asolo

Oh, hell...let it go, will ya?

    Bookmark   July 24, 2011 at 8:31PM
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dreamgarden

"Oh, hell...let it go, will ya"

You go first! :)

    Bookmark   July 25, 2011 at 12:00AM
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