Child side of estrangement- for Dorrie
Dorrie, I too have been watching what is going on with the parents' thread. Although it pains me (I cannot imagine not having boop-boop in my life on a daily basis, although he's only 8), I have to say, I am on the other side of the issue too. I have been down the road of divorced parents, with an alcoholic mother (sober and recovering for more than a score of years (28, I think)), stormy relationships, therapy, and now, as an adult with a child of my own, see how well meaning parents (that includes me, but read human here!) can still influence our lives poorly. I figured out four of five years ago, I really wanted my mother's approval. She never has given it. Even after finding my centered life, I'm much happier and healthier, I stood up to her and told her I need for her to say she approved of things I did sometimes. She flatly told me she couldn't do it. And I believe her. She doesn't know how. She was never taught that thought process. Yet, my mother visits her dying mother in a home on an on-going basis and frequently walks away disappointed she cannot get her mother's approval before she dies. It tears her up to no end. They fight about it in different ways every time they see each other. Literally. I find it mind boggling, well, and pitiful! But she can't see that her mother is incapable of accepting because her mother never accepted her and does not have the ability to do so. More importantly, my grandmother is disapproving to her in the same way my mother is to me. If she can't stand it, why does she do it? So our relationship is surface only; we're friends. Good friends, but friends. I want her to be there for me in ways only a mother can, and she can't. Accepting my mom will never be a true mom to me, hurts to the core. I think to myself, if it was me, I'd go to the ends of the Earth for my boop!, why won't she do it fo me? So we drift farther and farther apart, even though neither of us wants it. I love her and I'll accept her, but that won't give me what I want and deserve.
What's your story Dorrie?
Here is a link that might be useful: estranged parents thread