Child side of estrangement- for Dorrie

rob333May 14, 2008

Dorrie, I too have been watching what is going on with the parents' thread. Although it pains me (I cannot imagine not having boop-boop in my life on a daily basis, although he's only 8), I have to say, I am on the other side of the issue too. I have been down the road of divorced parents, with an alcoholic mother (sober and recovering for more than a score of years (28, I think)), stormy relationships, therapy, and now, as an adult with a child of my own, see how well meaning parents (that includes me, but read human here!) can still influence our lives poorly. I figured out four of five years ago, I really wanted my mother's approval. She never has given it. Even after finding my centered life, I'm much happier and healthier, I stood up to her and told her I need for her to say she approved of things I did sometimes. She flatly told me she couldn't do it. And I believe her. She doesn't know how. She was never taught that thought process. Yet, my mother visits her dying mother in a home on an on-going basis and frequently walks away disappointed she cannot get her mother's approval before she dies. It tears her up to no end. They fight about it in different ways every time they see each other. Literally. I find it mind boggling, well, and pitiful! But she can't see that her mother is incapable of accepting because her mother never accepted her and does not have the ability to do so. More importantly, my grandmother is disapproving to her in the same way my mother is to me. If she can't stand it, why does she do it? So our relationship is surface only; we're friends. Good friends, but friends. I want her to be there for me in ways only a mother can, and she can't. Accepting my mom will never be a true mom to me, hurts to the core. I think to myself, if it was me, I'd go to the ends of the Earth for my boop!, why won't she do it fo me? So we drift farther and farther apart, even though neither of us wants it. I love her and I'll accept her, but that won't give me what I want and deserve.

What's your story Dorrie?

Here is a link that might be useful: estranged parents thread

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You call him boop-boop and he's 8 years old?

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 11:05AM
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I've called him by a pseudonym on this thread to avoid giving out an identity. No, I don't call him that. However, it seems unrelated to the issue at hand.

Do you have anything to add to estrangement issues stargazer?

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 11:12AM
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Nope, Ive posted my feeling on the other 3 or 4 threads.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 8:32PM
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What you said "It's heartbreaking, it can't be fixed unless all parties want it fixed and are willing to change." is all the heart to all relationship estrangement. Doesn't make it hurt any less, parent or child. I guess what needs to be minded, personality disorders, addictions, etc. make people less. Less than the afflicted party wants to be also, not just the offended side. In the end, we're all human.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2008 at 8:24AM
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Have you ever pointed out to your mother that she does the same thing to you that her mother does to her, and it hurts you just as much?

    Bookmark   May 16, 2008 at 8:33PM
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Yes. As with many humans, she can't see past her hurt. Understandable.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2008 at 3:52PM
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Two thumbs up for your post above, Rob333!

    Bookmark   May 18, 2008 at 7:23PM
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I'm estranged with my family, my parents were abusive and when they kicked me out of the house I finally realized that life wasn't supposed to be like that. My brother and I have never gotten along, and his wife is a real tool, so we never talk. I was close to my grandparents but my grandma told me the problems with my mother, her daughter, were my fault and I needed to be a better daughter. Now, years later, I've recently talked to a cousin who told me that my grandparents realized that it wasn't my fault that my parents screwed up but I don't know what to do. Should I try to see my grandparents? I'm so afraid of being hurt and heart-broken I don't know how much more pain I can take so is it worth it, any thoughts or advise would be appreciated.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2012 at 7:16PM
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