Husband threw 19 yr son out...I'm mad.

texasoneApril 30, 2012

My husband of 25 years and I have a farm. We have a 19 yr old son who helped my husband on the farm and they were friends. Last week I gave my son a $40.00 ck to cash so he would have some walking around money. I don't know why but he changed the check to $140.00 and cashed it. I found out and son admitted it to me. I knew my husband would fly into a rage and I didn't want to tell him about it but knew inside I should. I did tell him and he threw our son out of the house-told him he is never allowed on the farm again and took his phone. He has no job no phone and no place to live. He came by the house today to personally apologize to my husband and wanted to come back home but husband said no. He will never be able to. I am so emotionally hurt by this and mad at my husband I don't know what to do. He said I have no reason to be mad at him that I should be mad at my son. I knew I shouldn't have told him that he would go off the deep end and he did. Took all my sons furniture to the burn pile. How immature is that for a 54 yr old father? Do you think he did the right thing and how can we get past this?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"How immature is that for a 54 yr old father?"

I'm not going to insist on the rest of the story, but I'm hoping there's a LOT more to this than you wrote. What you wrote shows your husband to be a whole lot more than immature. I'd say more like batshitnuts. I hope you have your own affairs in order. You may be next.

Your 19-year-old did a bad thing. Fessed up and owned it, you said. Bad boy. But your husband turning into godzilla over it is waaaay out of proportion to the offense.

Interesting that you knew it would be.

Stay safe, please.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2012 at 12:00AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Actually, I'm on your husband's side.

Anyone who will steal from their own parent(s) will steal from ANYONE.

Anyone who will steal a small amount will have no problem moving on to larger amounts.

The kind of person who does this (not enough conscience to keep them from stealing from their own flesh and blood) is usually VERY adept at making sincere-sounding emotional apologies that mean nothing. Hey, it's part of their trade--if they can't get back in with the victim, they can't steal more.

More often than not, when someone steals from a parent, there's an addiction involved. Drugs (and other addictions) often rob a person of the ability to distinguish right from wrong.

We've been a victim of this sort of family member. I've been in touch with other victims. My husband's sister started out small--taking small bits that would hardly be missed. She moved up to larger amounts, to blackmailing her parents to give her what she wanted. It has to be noted that her husband made a 6 figure salary, turned his paycheck over to her, and she STILL never had money to pay her bills, or to supply her kids medical needs, or to buy a new appliance when one died. Her parents even bought cars for her. And how did this all end up for them? When they were old, she coerced them into signing new wills and new POA's. When FIL died, she stole more than a quarter of a million $$$ that was left for MIL's end care (MIL had Alzheimer's at that point)--before we were able to stop her. And note, too, the fight cost us over $20,000 of our own money for lawyer's fees, court fees, forensic accountants, etc.

Let's see, why would she do that? We have no absolute proof, but we do have circumstantial evidence that there were drugs involved. We've also subsequently discovered that this girl was doing things like this for years--but hiding her activities very, very well. AND we've seen the tearful, seemingly sincere apologies time after time.

Sadly, I can tell you--since I've made something of a study of this problem--parents 9 times out of ten close their eyes to the problems. They defend the child--he/she made a mistake, is sorry, know he won't do it again--they take him back and give him access to hurting them time after time. Time after time, I've seen families support the deadbeat kid to the detriment of the honest hardworking siblings.

Your husband is to be commended. He's the wonderful exception to the norm. He's NOT allowing himself to be hoodwinked. He's NOT going to let this boy hurt YOU over and over and over again. Good for him. He's probably saving you many years of continuous heartache, not to mention very lean retirement years, if this boy continues this.

For your own protection, you have to understand that you're dealing with an extremely serious problem. Your husband may have taken extreme measures (think I'd have sold the furniture to recoup part of the money the kid stole), but he's definitely understands the seriousness of this issue.

The person you need to be angry with IS your son--he's the one who stole money, destroyed your trust, and broke the family to a point where it's not feasible--at this point at least--to repair it. And it's possible he's wandering down the slipery slop of drug use--which brings all sorts of dangers to those around the ones using.

I'm so sorry--I know none of this is what you want to hear, but it may be what you need to hear, and to consider. I do wish you the best, and hope you find peace.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2012 at 7:45AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I would have to agree with your husband. I am only assuming you don't work outside the home and your husband is the bread winner. So the theft of the money was spit in the face to him after all he has provided for his family.

As for him throwing out the furniture.. I can't argue that either. My daughter once told me to get out of her room. I corrected her and told her until she is paying the mortgage and the bills all the rooms in the house and everything in them are mine.

I do hope things can be reconciled. Give it time. It's tough love and it's hard to do but it takes a very strong person to enforce it on their own flesh and blood.

Like I said.. give it time. In 10 years this could be the turning point your son remembers that changed his life. Hopefully for the better.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2012 at 6:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I do not agree with your husband.

Your son has acted responsibly in my opinion. He made a mistake, we all do !!. If anybody deserves a second chance it is your son, your own son. He came and told you what he did, he knew he had done something wrong AND he came and applogised to a fuming parent - that is not easy to do, is it ?

I am shocked by your husbands actions. He was acting out of rage and not common sense. Any time we make decisions acting on our emotions they are wrong decisions.

Your husband is teaching your son how to react to something that has gone wrong, to burn furniture and throw his own flesh and blood out on the street. Do you want your son growing up with that sort of model of behaviour ?

I think a better way to handle the whole situation would be for the son to repay the money.

I would never do that to my son.

We all make mistakes - that is fine - it is what we learn from the mistake that is important. Your son has learnt that his father has a bad temper and his parents don't protect him no matter what.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2012 at 3:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Popi--this isn't a 10 year old child, who walked past a pile of money on his dad's dresser and helped himself to a handful, then realized what he did was wrong after the fact. This is an adult, someone who committed a serious crime. He knows better. He knew before he committed the offense that it was wrong. An apology after the fact? Means pretty much nothing--it just means he knows his opportunities to get anything more from his parents are gone unless he can weasel his way back in.

Now, if he came to them in a few weeks, with the money he stole in hand, offering it back to them, along with an apology? That might be sincere.

I stand by what I said above--any adult who will steal from their own parents will steal from ANYONE. And they will do it repeatedly if allowed. AND there is probably a reason why he wanted that money that mom wouldn't have approved of--or he would simply have asked her for it in the first place!

    Bookmark   May 2, 2012 at 5:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Nobody with a brain destroys an otherwise-functioning family over $100.00.

Even if it was a theft.....and don't even get going on the "principal" thing.

I have zero doubt there's more to this story than OP wrote. 19-year-old did a bad thing. Mom spills to dad who goes she KNEW he would. Boy tries to make nice. Dad burns his stuff. Doesn't sound anywhere close to rational to me. I'd like to know the whole story, but OP hasn't been back.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2012 at 7:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have a 19 year old son. They make mistakes, dumb ones, they are impulsive. They act first and then think after the fact. I am not saying all behavior should be excused.

I think it is a shabby way to treat their son.

I prefer positive parenting, no matter what.

I love my son, and would never treat him the way this boy has been treated.

If that was my husband I would be fearful, for my own personal safety.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2012 at 4:04AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Popi--if this were your son, you'd be wise to be fearful of your retirement and your safety. I told you what happened to my MIL--that girl started out the same way--stealing little bits, then oh-so-tearfully apologizing (oh, so insincerely!) The thing I didn't mention above? because it's always so painful to think about? She almost surely was involved in her father's death, because she was so intent upon getting her hands on the money (and he was in his right mind, unlike his wife, so he was an impediment to her).

Look, I don't dispute the fact that the father may have gone off the deep end a bit, but when you have someone that dangerous in your life, you DO have to cut them loose. I'd have done it differently, but that child would still have been out of our lives--and really do the fine points matter that much at that point?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2012 at 7:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We don't know the full story here, and we may never hear from this person again.

Of course if my son became a habitual stealer of my money I would be alarmed. But I wouldn't react by burning the furniture. I am not that sort of person.

I prefer to find the positives in every situation and deal with things that way. It can be challenging sometimes, but it can be done.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 3:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"Last week I gave my son a $40.00 ck to cash so he would have some walking around money. I don't know why but he changed the check to $140.00 and cashed it."

Like Asolo wrote: "I'm not going to insist on the rest of the story, but I'm hoping there's a LOT more to this than you wrote......"

I wondered the same thing. Is this the first time this has happened? Does this son have a prior history of problems?

Forging a check can land you in prison. It doesn't matter if its family or otherwise.

Perhaps tough love from dad is preferable to that of writing to him in jail?

The OP and hubby need to stay united so they aren't pulled apart by the wayward actions of their child.

I hope things have improved since this happened.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 10:41AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think the father might have went over board by setting fire to the the kids stuff. but To tell him to leave. No that is his Right as a man and provider. this kid took a check from his mom for 40 and changed the amount to 140.00. You cant tell me that this dont set red flags. could this be the 1st time this happened ? or has other things happened too? Noone will never know other then the person that wrote this. there is always 2 sides to every story.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 8:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Its your farm also in both your names? If so then you have the power to let your son come back.He did wrong but he told dad he was wrong and was sorry. hubby sounds like a nut case

    Bookmark   May 21, 2012 at 9:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I side with Mom. Her husband was OUT OF CONTROL. I, too have a 19 year old and would NEVER do this to him.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2012 at 10:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If this is the first time something like this happened then the father over reacted. If there have been other problems with the son, the did what was right. I have friends that had to kick out their daughter for stealing from them. She straightened out her life. It was what she needed.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2012 at 10:38PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OP hasn't returned since first posting more than a month ago. We're whistling into the wind.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2012 at 11:08PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Teacher won't answer my question
This is pretty straightforward. My daughters' teacher...
To parents of other heavy gamers...
Please do not attempt to moderate or restrict your...
In-laws that don't get it!
We had to see MIL yesterday for Mother's day. Once...
Mothers of estranged children....part II
I thought it might ease the posting if I restarted...
Need iOS app for my kids.
I bought an iPad for my kids. Please guys suggest me...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™