immature 31 yo son

rosajoe_gwApril 13, 2010

I had so many problems with my son growing up. The father was completely absent and my son did not have male role models.

He started sneeking out at night through his bedroom window at an early age.

Started drugs and getting into trouble at school, stealing, and arrested at an early age.

He skipped school for 2 weeks before I knew he wasn't going. I met with the teachers and one asked me how it was possible for a parent to not know their child was not in school.

Easy, he got dressed each morning, pretended to do home work, and deleted the messages from the school.

My son started out in gifted classes and I finally was thrilled to see him get his GED.

We were in therapy and he would not participate. He was in house therapy when he was 13.

He ran away at 14 and stole my car keys and gave them to some friends to steal my car. Car was found and the 2 boys were arrested, he wasn't with them. The police officer told me the story and said I have a very serious problem at home. I am very aware of this thank you.

After getting into trouble he was sentenced by a judge to a rehab center for 6 months. Gets out and the same thing again.

I went to visit him and one of the adults there (48ish) was complaining that his parents never came to visit. After we were alone I explained to my son that it takes such a toll after so many years of watching your son drift back into the same destructive life that some parents just give up.

When my son was 18 he left and I did not hear from him for 6 months. He was pan handling down town and living in the streets.

After getting into trouble again, the attorney told him the next time he would probably be sent to prison. Sentenced again for 1 year and this time it seems to work. He started to stay out of trouble.

I tried to help him financially. He had a good job and I helped him get his first apartment. They were evicted after 2 months for a drunken party and fights at the apartment. He moved in with friends, I would not let him move in with me.

He turned 23 and I had a job 30 miles away and moved. I met my husband after 20 years single.

He helped me stay strong in dealing with my son. My son was laid off 4 time in 5 years and he always found part time work.

I retired and moved to a different state so I have not seen him in 2 years, but I talk to him. Last year he was very excited about making friends with an owner of a collision center. The owner told him if he would get the first auto certification he would give him a job and train him, if he promised to work for him for 2 years.

My son went to school for the entire year, passed the certification , got the job. He paid for the tuition himself. He called me 3 times about the job and everything was great he was always very excited. He told me he has been out of trouble for 7 years and I told him how proud I was of him. I have always been open with both of my children (he has an older sis) about how hard it was being a working single parent. I know I have made mistakes but I tried to do the best I could. I had so much guilt about the problems with my son and counseling has helped me overcome that years ago.

Hubby and I said he has FINALLY grown up. Son calls me last week and he is going to move and go to a school for 2 years and the school tuition is $33,000 for the program.

He quit his job of 3 weeks because the owner would not work with him on the schedule for classes.

I explained to him that these jobs have been outsourced overseas and I worked with very experienced people that could not find jobs in this economy. They have the same degree and he would have no experience. And the city he is moving to is very expensive to live in.

He hung up on me but called back and said we were disconnected.

I know better and I also told hubby that the word 'cosign' will come up very soon.

I have gone through this years ago about a school and he wanted me to cosign the loan then. I have my doubts about these schools actually teaching anything and my opinion makes him mad.

We were not home the last time he left a message looking for our address. The message implied I wasn't answering the phone so I called him back. He didn't answer.

I had such high hopes for him and I was really surprised that he would ask me for $33,000. Of course, he has all intentions of paying it back.

My son is almost 32 years old and I think once he does ask me to cosign and I tell him no he is going to get very angry and I will not hear from him again. This makes me sad, but there is no way I am going to be responsible for a $33,000 debt.

I told hubby I think he has mental problems but hubby says he just thinks differently than we do. My son has always lied to me and has problems staying in relationships.

I am so glad this son does not have children, he still has a long way to go.I have to accept the fact that he is an adult and this is his life and let him live it.

It is still painful and my heart goes out to parents with the same problems.

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asolo

Sorry, mom, but here it is.....

Don't do it!

Of course he'll be angry and blah, blah, blah. So be it. Be advised that you, in fact, know nothing about his "intentions". I suspect you never have. He's playing you....again.

Sorry, mom, but it's same-ol'; same ol'....deja vu all over again. He's come up with a new angle with a larger score at the end, but it's all the same. Your wishing it was different won't change anything. Please see what there is to see and act appropriately.

I'm sorry you don't have the son you wish you had. Reality....you don't. And you're not going to via the expenditure of another thirty-three grand chasing that hope. Listen to your hubby. Listen to me. Back away from this. Then work on ash-canning your three decades worth of guilt. Your son is a loser and a sleaze and all he sees in you is a patsy with bucks. Cut him off. Do it now.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2010 at 11:48PM
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silversword

You can't eat intentions. Don't give him the money. Most schools have loan programs. After he completes the program perhaps you can help him with the payments if you feel it's a good idea.

Best wishes Mom.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2010 at 11:09AM
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rosajoe_gw

There is no way the idea of giving him money ever crossed my mind. I am truly amazed that he thinks I would!
I stopped that too long ago to remember. It is a parents duty to try to help your kids start out in the world, and that is the key word 'kid'.
Like some have stated, these kids have to slam into a brick wall to learn, and maybe some never learn.
And I totally agree that I have no idea of his intentions. A sad realization for parents to face.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2010 at 11:15AM
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silversword

(((hugs)))

    Bookmark   April 14, 2010 at 1:08PM
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rosajoe_gw

Thank you!

    Bookmark   April 14, 2010 at 1:10PM
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asolo

".....no idea of his intentions. A sad realization for parents to face."

It is indeed. Words are never enough to cover the heartbreak of it.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2010 at 9:37PM
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popi_gw

I totally agree with you that it is a parent's responsibility to help their child make a start in the world. You have done your best. Remind yourself of that.

A hug from me as well...

    Bookmark   April 17, 2010 at 10:58PM
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