Adult son evicted

kali48April 22, 2009

My 22-year-old bipolar son will probably be evicted from the Y-failure to mop his room.

I let him stay at my house about a year ago, against my instinct.He broke all the rules he had agreed to: stopped school, work, the day program, abused his sister, brother afraid to have friends over, broke doors, bashed walls, knives, smoke alarms, burning things, gun video games at 4 a.m., off meds, trashed his room, hard alcohol, demands to go to the ER for "can't see" etc... nocturnal, rants of F***Group homes are out for now....been trying for years, and still he is not on a list...

I got him out-it was VERY HARD, and told him he could not stay at my home again.

I did get him on SSI and he got himself on food stamps.

My instinct is to stick w/ my "no" but still that nagging voice of "since he is mentally ill, I should take him..he is needy, and I am his Mom."

Thanks, Kali

Do I

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lisonwal

Wow! I couldn't possibly offer advice since I have never been in this situation. I was curious, though. How old are his siblings?

Either way, I know it's a very difficult decision to make. I do sympathesize and wish you well.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 5:33PM
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kali48

lisonwal, thank you for your empathy...I have called some close friends, and talked to co-workers too,my daughter is 19 (soon back from college for the summer -has 2 summer jobs) and my second son is a freshman in high school.
Kali

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 10:07PM
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jessyf

kali48 my heart goes out to you.

You cannot take him back into your home unless you provide a safe place for your other kids to live. Don't throw them under the bus. When they are older and better able/trained to deal with him, they can decide to take him in to their own homes.

What has social services or a social worker told you about your options? Have you been to counseling or read bipolar forums for skills to deal with him?

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 1:54PM
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stargazzer

I have a grandson who is mentally disturbed and the doctor told the parents he would spend his life in prison if he didn't take his meds. The parents found out he had a gun and was going to take it to school

My sister had a son that threatened to kill her and when she saw him coming to the door she called the police every time. He finally gave up.

I know you don't want to hear this, but your son could turn on you and kill everyone one in the house before you knew what was happening. You read the papers and watch TV, you know it happens every day.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 7:29PM
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pjb999

Let's make sure we're not assuming everyone who is mentally ill is violent or dangerous....however...

Sounds like the original poster has done much soul-searching on this and it's not like she hasn't tried it before, and it seems the son's behaviour is well-documented.

I know how this tugs at your heartstrings, but you have to ask yourself questions like: Has he/his behaviour improved? How did it work out with you last time? Consider why he's being evicted (on the face of it, it does sound harsh but I imagine there's a lot more to go along with it) and ask yourself if you will be able to do better for him.

I suspect the answer for all those questions will be no, but you should talk to your/his doctor and see what other options are open.

Much as we'd like to be able to help our kids, this may not help him and it's more than likely going to be unhelpful to you. I would trust your common-sense gut instinct.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 2:34AM
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ginih

Kali, I have been and am in a similar situation with my son (now 30) who has Borderline Personality Disorder. After I worked for years to get him housing and SSD/SSI, he lost his apartment. He too is verbally violent and destructive and I cannot allow him to subject my younger sons to the domestic dysfunction. It is an extremely difficult and heartbreaking place to be. I waffled with the situation for several years before I simply had to say "No," and stick with it (But, I realized that the responsibility for his behavior had to rest solely on his shoulders). Please feel free to email me if you wish. Keep in mind that it is contrary to parental nature to "push aside" a child you have loved, cherished, protected and nurtured. There is definately a mourning process involved (that includes the younger siblings as well).

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 8:31AM
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jessyf

gini2, have you looked into Dialectical Behavioral therapy. Also bpdfamily.com and bpdcentral.com. The book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.

Thank you for saving your other children. I'm so sorry about your son. My MIL is a psych nurse and she too agrees that the mentally ill must take responsibility for their own behaviors.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 10:53PM
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ginih

Jessyf, Thank you so much for your kind words--I do have that book and the workbook that goes with it. I passed it on to my 29 yr old son (son 2) as he seems to be the "secondary-primary target" of my oldest son since I've had to detach. It has been harder for son 2 to detach as they have always been very close and he now feels like he has to take responsibility for the rescue of son 1-- which brings us to co-dependency issues, I guess, for son 2. Son 1 has been in therapy most of his life (and misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar) and is not open to it again. I do believe he would benefit from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, if we could get him there. For Kali--I do not regret my decision to detach. My younger sons, now teens, are well adjusted and had a relatively peaceful childhood, unlike son 2 who was always in the middle of the firestorm. Still, the younger ones love their oldest brother very much (and he, them). They keep in touch via email but we haven't seen him in 18 months. He has been staying about 3 hrs. away with a woman who seems to be incredibly tolerant (so far). There aren't any easy paths but there are more palatable ones than staying immersed in the chaos.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 12:14AM
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jessyf

gini2 good luck with son 2. He sounds like a pretty sensitive guy. You know what to do.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 8:00AM
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kali48

Thank you so much to all who responded to this.
My son, "R" did not get evicted, I did deliver cleaning supplies on a Friday night...he cleaned enough.
I would like to email the person who offered, and who has the 30-year-old with borderline personality... (how?) this has been very helpful...really, so many people mean well, but you get it when you have it.
Also-I would like to help others...please contact me for help if needed...my specialty on this is probably how to "work the system"...ie; getting SSI, etc...
Kali

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 8:52PM
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ginih

Kali, You can email me by clicking on my "My Page." There is a link there for sending email to me.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 11:53PM
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