Estranged Daughter

suseez1April 14, 2008

Hi All,

I am new to this board and am thankful I found something.

I have been divorced for 9 1/2 years and have an 18 yr old daughter who has had very little contact with me or my parents since the week after thanksgiving.

My ex remarried 6 months after we diroved and then 1 year after that he moved 5 hours away. He rarely came to see my daughter and she would go there about 2x a year. He phone calls were sparatic. My daughter started cutting in 7th grade because of the seperation from her father. I took her to counceling for 2 years. This past summer she decided that she wanted to college in his town and I encouraged her to apply to others, but she wouldn't have that. My parents have a college fund for her. She visited my ex often last summer and met a boy at the college. My parents and I visited the college after thanksgiving and took her with. I questioned whether that was the right choice for her and she became angry and didn't drive back with my parents and I. Her father and my ex MIL drove her back the following day and she stayed with his sister over that weekend. All 3 of his sisters live here. I was called into the school on Monday and was told she wanted to move out and live with her aunt. She then moved to a friend's a house and didn't show for Xmas. She then moved in with her dad after finals were done in January and transfered to the HS up there.

I have written emails often and asked what happened and she cannot give me a clear answer. She claims I was too controlling and overbearing. We had a great relationship and I let her come and go as she pleased because she was a well mannered child and very loving and thoughtful. My parents helped her buy a used car when she was 16. It has been her and I alone all these years. My parents helped us out often and i always made time for her. I did not have a serious relationship with anyone until 2 years ago. I am now engaged (Feb) and he will move in in June. That was planned before she left. She had always intended on leaving in June. I never wanted to take away time from her. She was my parents favorite grandchild and she has crushed them. She will not email back nor call them. I do not have her cell number. The old contract expired at the end of March (which I paid for) and she now has her own. Her father will not give it to me nor will they answer the house phone when they see it's me calling. We did not have good communication the years we have been divorced. She didn't care for him either for leaving her. However, somehow they have brainwashed her.

I don't know what to do. I am so heart broken and can't seem to be happy with my life. I think about her all the time. Should I continue to write her even though I don't get a response? Should I try to block my phone number and demand that I speak to her? I just don't understand how she can be a completely different person than the one I raised. Help. Thanks.

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I don't know what to say to help you other than continue to try and contact her. Write a letter and send it. Don't put blame anywhere, just that you want to talk to her and figure out how to make things better. Keep calling, keep writing, just don't stalk. Try calling once daily, then e-mail every other day or so...something like that. My step son was brainwashed by his BM- the school even said so. It is a little different because he was only 8 years old at the time. BM would sometimes show with my ss to exchange custody to my husband and my ss would refuse to go with my husband. My husband kept showing up, no matter what. He kept calling, in an appropriate manner, even though they would change their number or not answer the phone- sometimes answer and hang up on him. In the long run, it worked out well for my husband. Now, when my ss begins feelings like we don't want him around, we remind him about his dad always showing up for visitation and that will never change. His dad (and I) will always 'show up' or always want him around because that is what fathers and families do.

Just keep trying- some of this could be her age she wanting to believe in her father- who knows, but keep trying to talk to her. Not to mention, she may need some help with college and money so it may be she has to contact you for help at some point in the future.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 2:39PM
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Well I can understand your distress about this situation, you and your parents. Its very hurtful to see this change in your daughter.

Hard as it could be, I would try not to take things personally. It sounds like your daughter has her own agenda here, and you don't seem to be part of it.

It is normal for teens to spread their wings and get out in the world and I think there urge for freedom does not include the consideration of how this affects other people.

What you can do, is keep communication open. That's really important. Try to just chat, and not be judgmental about what she is doing.

How do you know her father doesn't answer the phone when they see it is you phoning ?

I would say to your daughter, that "the door of your heart and your home is always open". Reinforce that concept and give her that gift. A gift of knowing that her mother and grandparents love her, no matter what, no matter where she is.

As Sandy said, just keep trying, but be super-pleasant when you do talk to her.

I can understand her desire to be with her father.

Things will get better.

Take care, keep strong.


    Bookmark   April 15, 2008 at 3:36AM
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Hi suseez, This is an all too familiar story to me. The details of ages may be different but it is one that I've seen happen far too often. My daughter is now forty-one and I haven't seen her since she was about twenty-eight. We have been estranged since she was twenty-nine. It has been enormously painful. Your daughter is your only child? My daughter is my only child. Before we were estranged, I had thought, apparently mistakenly, that we had had a good relatonship. We hadn't had any serious argument prior to the one that we had in 1995 that hadn't seemed like it merited becoming estranged over.

I have felt badly that you aren't getting more responses in the thread that you started. You haven't done anything wrong. But if you got involved in the longer more active threads on the same topic, you might get more responses to your post. There are now five threads on the topic of estrangement. It is harder to participate in five threads than it is to participate in one or two threads.

If we can participate in existing threads rather than open up new ones on the same topic, then everyone might be able to get responses to their own situation as well as offer input on others.


Here is a link that might be useful: Estrangements: The Website

    Bookmark   April 18, 2008 at 4:14PM
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