My mother constantly disrespects my husband

SarahfayyazApril 24, 2014

I married six years ago by choice to someone my mom dad approved of. My husband's parents were good friends with mine till they mutually distanced themselves from each other. After many years, my husband approached me as I was friends with a common friend and we decided that we would like to get married so we both approached our parents and with their blessings we were married.

Since then the families have been taking small issues and not meeting each other, even on deaths one side doesn't go visit the other and then the other side reciprocates and does the same. Over time our individual parents starting disrespecting each of us too, my mom in law would never acknowledge or compliment me. With time my relationship has improved with my in laws and I get equal respect if not heartfelt love from them.

With my mother and my husband the situation has just gotten worse. My mother is not on good terms with a lot of people in the community as she often gets rude and deletes people off her life. She doesn't meet her own parents and siblings either. Since I got married she has given me a lot of stress complaining to me about my husband's dressing sense that he dresses too simply, his parents don't spend enough on us, etc etc. She recently met with my husband's relatives and spoke of a lot of things that didn't need to be said about his family. When my husband confronted her, she shut the phone on his face after denying everything.

Since then she's been very cold with us, we are on a group chat and she has now started overtly pouring love towards my sister's husband to make my husband feel bad. I am very disturbed by all this to the extent that I am unable to fulfill my own duties towards my toddler because of my mother's constant rudeness and intolerance of my husband and his family.

I look up to my husband who has patiently ignored this all and continues to wish my mother on her birthday and other times with my mother not even replying. I want to know what steps I can take to stop this altogether.

My mother constantly laughs at other people, makes fun of people's babies and their physical characteristics and thinks her style of living is above my in laws. I feel sad in my heart to have a mother who I can't look up to. I have told her on many occasions to not do these things but I see her still talking so harshly with my own father and now with my husband. I wish my father could stop her but she emotionally disables him to do anything. I can't and don't want to break ties with my mother but want to know how to make her see her own actions and the effects it's having on my life which is never at peace only because of her.

She has given me stress during my pregnancy, delivery, post delivery and now. She loves playing victim and I just can't handle this anymore because it has moved onto my husband now. I don't want my little son ever seeing her misbehave with my husband.

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I'm not sure why your mother's behaviour is preventing you from caring for your toddler.
But, as long as you allow her to behave as she does, she will keep doing it. If you really want to stop her poor behaviour, you will have to call her on it, every time. "I'm sorry, but if you're going to speak/act like that, I'll have to leave." And go. It's just like training a pet, really. Otherwise your only option is to avoid her altogether, which you say you don't want to do.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2014 at 3:25PM
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You can't change someone else's behavior, you can only change your own. Your mother sounds like a very toxic person who thrives on drama and confrontation. People like that rarely get how destructive they are and prefer to blame others. Your primary responsibility is to your child and your husband now. It's time to let go of the fantasy that mom will one day turn into a sweet person. Ain't gonna happen.

Be grateful that you recognize that your mother's behavior is damaging to your family and build on that by learning how to set boundaries with her. It's a skill you need to learn that will help you in all areas of your life. Do some research on family roles and boundaries and your life will be much calmer. Don't get pulled into her game. Your husband deserves respect and so do you.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2014 at 1:54PM
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Your mother might be a narcissist. See what you think after you read this link.

A link that might be useful:

    Bookmark   August 9, 2014 at 1:59PM
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