I've been replaced.

jackierookeApril 29, 2008

I'm new to this forum and I hope someone has some advice for me.

I'm 61 and my mother has replaced me with an "adopted" daughter. I don't know who this person is. My mother and I have never gotten along but over the past 50 years I have tried and tried. Mostly I only last a few minutes before she starts in on me with her judgements, criticizing and trying to embarrass me. She lives 5 hours away from me and financially and emotionally I can't just drop everything and run up to see her whenever she demands it.

Short version of the latest. My step father died. I don't know him, was never close to him and both he and my mother were abusive to my youngest son who tried to be "the" grandson to them. So no emotional ties to the man at all. After the message she left about the funeral (no viewing just burial and a luncheon) I called and left her a message and said we could not afford to make the trip and my husband's job was precarious and he could not just take the day off without endangering his job. I heard nothing more.

The day after he was buried I called to see how she was doing. First part of the conversation she complained about her husband's only son. Said "he wants his dad's gold watch and that is ALL I'm giving him". she was laughing about it, like she had the POWER.

Eventually she got around to talking about her own "arrangements". I said I would have thought she'd inform me of her wishes since I am her only child. To which she replied that her adopted daughter would be handling everything and she was leaving everything to her. This "friend" has been there for her when I have not, and on and on. This friend lives near her and is at her beck and call, whereas I will not put my family in jeopardy to do her bidding. She told everyone at the funeral that I wasn't there because my animals were more important than she was. I have one small dog which I would have had to bring if I could have made the trip and she would have had a fit about that too.

I was crushed when she said this. Believe me she is serious. My whole life she has been thrilled that I have had very little while she lived high on the hog. I guess I should mention that she stole my inheritance from my grandfather. It was supposed to be turned over to me but of course never was. Aunts and Uncles said I should sue her, but I kept thinking she's my mother she will do what's right, and never did. She even kept bonds my gramps took out in his name and mine(his g/f told me about them). What did she hope? That I would die and she could get those too? They were'nt even worth much.

This isn't about the money or inheritance. Its about being replaced so cavalierly just because I wouldn't jump when she said jump. Once she wanted me to put my (then) 3 animals into a kennel (my expense) and drive 5 hours up there to babysit her husband (senile) so she could go into the hospital and have elective surgery. I refused and she informed me then that she would be leaving her money to whoever was taking care of her at the end and it wouldn't be me. I just figured she was ticked cuz I said no to her unreasonable demands again.

Any advice? I'm so hurt by her words and actions I can barely breathe. Her friends think she's the best thing since sliced cheese. Its only me that she has abused for all of my 60 years. Obviously she puts a different face on for them than she does for me.

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It would absoultly hurt, however who would want someone so nasty in their life? People you share your life should make you feel good and important, if they don't, let them go. YOU can either feel good knowing you made a healthy desicion in letting HER go emotionaly, or feel bad every time she pulls the puppet strings. Sounds to me she likes to be chased just like boys did in high school, don't play her games and if you ignore her it might bring her back wondering why. Do what makes you happy not what you think is "normal". Her job as a mother, was and is to make a strong independant woman, not a meek take my orders kind of woman! This is just MO. Good luck

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 8:51AM
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Thanks but I've ignored her for years at a time in the past hoping she would finally realize how she treats me. But in her mind she is and has always been the perfect mother.I have 3 sons of my own who are grown now. I'm happy when and if they call or come visit me (I'm 2 hours from them) but I sure don't demand it! My oldest son I haven't laid eyes on or heard from in almost 20 years. But he's still my son and always will be. I guess I just can't get my head around how she could "replace" me like she says she has.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 8:56AM
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"I refused and she informed me then that she would be leaving her money to whoever was taking care of her at the end and it wouldn't be me."

She did what she said she would do. You have to accept that and move on.
As pumpkinmon said... why have someone so toxic in your life???

"Its only me that she has abused for all of my 60 years. "

She will not change now. Really, you need to let it go....

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 6:18PM
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Sounds like you have a rocky attachment to your mother, and yet you seem to live in the hope that she will be the mother you want her to be.

Perhaps it is time to start accepting that she is who she is, and for some reason she treats you like cr@p. You have to ask yourself it this person is a person you want to be around.

Once YOU make a decision that you are not going to let her hurt your feelings, and just see her in a different light, then you will be better off.

I have been intimidate by people over the years, but I found if I had a shift in thinking, and actually felt sorry for those people then their actions did not affect me any more.

I know she is your mother, and you want more from her. Have you ever asked her why she treats you in such a manner ?

If I where you, I would let go of it all, and concentrate on your relationship with your son, that you haven't heard from in 20 years....!

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 6:25PM
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I think you shoul have gone to the funeral, whether you liked the guy or not. He was your mother's husband and it probably seemed odd that you were not there to support her. I can understand why your husband did not go, but I think you should have gone.

Sorry this other woman has stepped in and taken advantage of your mother. Maybe you should just let her have all the headaches too, since she is getting the money.

Maybe just say goodbye to the whole mess and move on.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 11:54AM
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"I found if I had a shift in thinking, and actually felt sorry for those people then their actions did not affect me any more."

Great post, Popi!

Just what I tried to say in another thread: people can only hurt you if you let them do so.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 12:13PM
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Yeah, I gotta admit, I'd be more than a little disappointed if my daughter didn't come to my husband's funeral. You should have gone for her; it doesn't matter if you like her husband or not. Your priority should have been to be there for your mother. And also if she asked you to help her out when she had surgery and you didn't because you didn't want to kettle your animals and drive five hours. Families do that sort of stuff for each other.

I'm thinking this lack of family support is going both ways. It does sound a little like your pets are more important than your mother. I know she may not have done much for you, but what have you done for her lately? As our parents grow up the responsibilities often take on a reverse role and it just doesn't seem like you've been there for her at all. Personally, I don't think she could cut you out of a will but if there is someone there to help her and be with her when you won't, you should be happy for her and not resentful. I'd start stepping up to the plate, not for the inheritence, but just because you should because you're family. Be there for her the next time she needs you. And, don't play the tit for tat game; it will get you no where.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 12:29PM
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As we all plod through our lives...really...I think its best to do things, because its the right thing to do. That should be our motivation, always. Not be guided by what rewards we well get for doing "the thing"..

I used to tell my children "if you do this for me, then I will do this for you". Well now that I am older and wiser (I hope), I think this was the wrong thing to say.

I should have said "do this because its the right thing to do".

Does anyone agree with me ?

P the wise

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 7:58PM
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I wonder why you are more upset that your mother has rejected you than your son has. You haven't seen or heard from your oldest son in 20 years, and yet seem quite at peace with that.

However you got to that place of peace with your oldest son, I think that's what you should do with your mother until you can say about her like you do your oldest, "She's my mother no matter what, and I love her even if I don't see or hear from her." And then move on with your life.

It seems you have several primary relationships in your life that aren't functioning well. Have you ever tried counselling?

I agree with those posters who say you should have gone to the funeral. You didn't need to bring your dog, your husband was there. And when she had surgery that would have been a good opportunity for you to try to repair the relationship. It didn't seem like an unreasonable request. After forty years of adulthood, I would hope you would have resolved some of the issues you have with her independently of her.

I'm sorry you are so hurt by her that you can hardly think or breath. That's a lot of hurt. And I'm kind of puzzled by how cavalierly you've written off your son. Not enough information about what's up with him; but the thought crossed my mind that you did with your son similar to what your mom did with you; she is estranged from her daughter, and you are estranged from your son.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 1:11PM
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"I will not put my family in jeopardy to do her bidding"

You could not leave your dogs home with your husband for a few days? Whatever...

There is almost nothing I wouldn't do for my mother I can tell you that.

When people get old, visits from family mean the world to them (even if they don't always act like it). I can't stand it when people have 100 excuses why they can't visit their elderly parents.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 11:20PM
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Wow, I really feel for you.
You've obviously been through a lot.
You've never been able to get her approval ~ or her love.
Let it go.
If she wants to leave her money to her flunky, it's her choice, although if she stole the money from you, I would try to get it back.
Ignore her and move on with your life.

Good luck

    Bookmark   May 3, 2008 at 11:25PM
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this just sounds wrong. you couldn't leave your dogs? to help during surgery?... and 5 hours drive is nothing. and din't come to the funeral?

honestly it always bothers me when people can't do things for their families because of the dogs or cats. then don't have pets if it prevents you from taking care of your family. i cannot imagine telling my mom: i cannot leave my dogs or my husband cannot leave his job. then go alone.

and why haven't you heard from your son for 20 years? why aren't you concerned about that?

    Bookmark   May 5, 2008 at 10:34PM
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You don't deserve her unkindness. You deserve better.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2008 at 3:59PM
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