parental alienation or protection?

mrsmaddogApril 14, 2008

I'd appreciate some honest opinions.

Is it wrong to totally deny any contact with a NCP if he was physically and emotionally abusive (mostly to SC and mom) and possibly abusing drugs, while living with the child? There was also s*xual abuse of the mom. The mom and kids spent 3 1/2 months in DV shelter, but are now in safe, loving home. She remarried 2 years ago.

There has only been one face to face contact in nearly four years and the child never discusses the father.

The father tries to make phone contact, originally once a month, but now much less. He plays jeckel and hyde : friendly,chatty one time, then angry and pushy the next.

Supervised visits are almost unheard of where they live (her family court judge is very pro-father.He believes DV is a tool women use in court.)The ncp threatens going to court, but since he pays NO support, he probably won't. He already pays 50% of his meager income to his two other kids, when he works.

These kids and their mom would not be safe if the father ever found their house.(He threatened to kill the mom the day before she left, which is what pushed her to finally leave.)He wants public visitation, with mom supervising, until he proves he has changed. Then he wants unsupervised. Mom wants to stay very far away!

Is this mom doing too much to keep her kids safe?

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rob333

"He threatened to kill the mom the day before she left, which is what pushed her to finally leave." Sorry to irritate anyone it could irritate... You lose all rights when you threaten to kill. NOT overprotective.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 12:22PM
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sandieanne

If there is a court order saying that he is entitled to visitation, then I would think you would be in contempt for not allowing visitation-no matter the reason. Parent alienation is a big deal in court from what I have seen. If you think he won't take you to court, then I guess it may be worth the risk. My step son has to be around a verbally abusive man who will likely one day lose his cool as he has in the past. I can only hope that my step son is not there when it happens and his mom gets the brunt of it rather than a child. She is completely inside a cycle of domestic violence, but hasn't been hurt enough-physically, yet. She will completely defend her husband's behavior. We have given my step son a safety plan and places to go if things get out of hand.

I would love to say keep the kid away, but it's what is in the court order that counts ultimately. I would not allow the mom to be around for supervised visits. Maybe there are other family members who could be around if this is seen as a good compromise. It sounds like he may want to start the honeymoon phase of the domestic violence cycle again.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 1:27PM
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mrsmaddog

The mom was never married to her DD's BD, there was a court order for visitation/support, about midway through the relationship, which was dismissed, because they tried to work things out. The violence escalated the second time around. Mom isn't seeking any support, to avoid court involvement.When they split the first time she had a restraining order from one county, but when she filed for custody and support, her new judge in a different county was going to allow unsupervised visits. After many months of promises, and attending anger mgt, etc, she took him back.
He's admitted to much of the abuse,even to police, and says she needs to get over it.
None of her family members want to deal with this man for supervised visits. Her DH said he would, but the BD says he doesn't want that. He wants MOM to do it.He doesn't want the husband to babysit HIM. He is obviously still thinking he has control.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 3:39PM
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rob333

What man would want another man watching him, especially the current husband (the alpha male!). I'm not even a man and I get that. Would you?

Make him take them to court, he can't win especially if he's admitted abuse to police. If the court is biased towards not cutting off dad it is out of fear for hurting the child. That is, they want what is best for the child. Just have everything you think the court might ask for and thing you thought they'd never want, statements, pictures, records of any and all sorts. That child's life is more important than anything else and verbal agreements don't have to be abided in custody battles. Courts get the say-so.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 4:38PM
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mrsmaddog

I can see how the BD would feel awkward at being supervised by his child's SF, but if he truly wants to work on re-establishing his relationship, which in my opinion HE destroyed, wouldn't he be willing to have anyone supervise, in the short term? One reason BM doesn't encourage the SF supervising idea is out of fear there would be some kind of altercation, in front of the child. Given the past history, and the SF's absolute disgust at BD's abuse, it is very likely there would be some confrontation eventually.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 7:22PM
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imamommy

"Her DH said he would, but the BD says he doesn't want that. He wants MOM to do it."

I don't blame him for not wanting the husband to supervise him, but it sounds more like he is using the chance to see his kids as an opportunity to see his ex. and maybe he wants to convince her he's changed.. maybe thinking she'll take him back??? I wouldn't trust him at all. I also think it could be dangerous for her if he has that in his mind and she rejects the notion. If he thinks he can convince her to be a family again and she says no, he could blow up over that.

I don't agree with not allowing visitation at all, but there are services that could provide supervision for visits. If there is visitation, BM should stay far away and make sure he's not just hammering the kids for info on their mom. If the kids have a counselor, perhaps he could visit with the counselor present. I have heard of that happening.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 8:44PM
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mrsmaddog

BD knows 100% for sure that mom is happy in her new marriage and life. The question is, what is the best interest of this child? If child is afraid of BD, all the supervised visits will do is mask that,plus create a false environment and sense of safety, then when he gets unsupervised, the child will be forced to be alone with the man she saw abusing her mom and brother. She has never expressed interest in visiting, calling, writing.The mom has asked her, and has allowed a phone call,initiated by the BD, after telling the BD not to question their whereabouts, etc.Keeping details out of an average conversation is hard for a kid.
I feel it's best to wait until the child is older and less likely to be pressured into divulging info.Another scary question is, since he r*ped the Mom, is he a risk to the daughter? Or to other girls/women for that matter.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 9:40PM
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mom2emall

If he has no court ordered visitation I would keep the kids away from him or tell him he has no choice, either DH supervises with me or you don't see your kids---you chose to be violent in the past now deal with the consequences! Then meet in McDonalds playland or other VERY public places. And bring a cell phone so you can call 911 if needed! And if he has supervised visitation I would also do the same thing.

If he has unsupervised visitation I would consult a lawyer ASAP!

    Bookmark   April 15, 2008 at 10:46AM
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dirt_yfingernails

Sometimes Social Services or Women's Shelter Advocates provide the supervision here.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2008 at 4:02PM
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