Estrangement need a listening ear

karenannieMarch 28, 2009

Hi, I am new here and just don't know where to turn. I am the mother of 5 children. I was divorced from an abusive/alcoholic husband and remarried a wonderful man in 2002. Almost immediately my then 15 year old son, began rebelling and getting into trouble. He was accustomed to doing what he wanted and treating me like his dad did. With my new husband, there were rules and respect was expected. My son hated that and decided to move in with his dad. He came over periodically, but was generally rude and combative. The rest of my children were very close and loving to us. My youngest daughter was my dearest friend and when she left for college in 2006, we were still close. She lasted only 6 weeks and when she came back I found that much of her senior year in high school and the summers were a lie--she had been drinking and having sex and I was none the wiser. She missed the boyfriend while away at college so she made up some excuses to come back. She was with us for 3 weeks and was sullen, reclusive and miserable the whole time. She barely came out of her room. Finally she told us she was moving out with the boyfriend. We did not part in a bad way, although we were devastated. A few weeks later, I received a series of emails containing videos (from her email account) each was of her boyfriend masterbating. I vomited on my keyboard and immediately contacted her asking her why she did this to me. Instead of feeling mortified, she accused me of hacking into her email account. I can barely figure out my own computer, let alone hack into someone's account. I kept this information to myself because I knew that if my husband heard this, it would kill him as he has serious health issues. Since that episode, she has cut me off completely--and any progress that I have made with my estranged son has also gone by the wayside. She has blocked my phone numbers and email accounts and has badmouthed me to my relatives, friends and anyone else she can find. I feel so isolated and alone and don't know where to turn. Part of me is so angry that she accused me of this, and driven me from my family, and part of me misses her and my son terribly. I think about them all the time, pray for them and hope that they come back to us. Is there anything I can do? My other three children and I are very close, but always in the back of my mind, I think that they will leave me too. I don't understand how, after raising children and putting their needs first that this would happen. They were all homeschooled, treated well and given all that I could give them. Please, if anyone has any encouragement or advice for me, I would most appreciate it. thank you

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Dear Karenannie- I urge you to come to you will find many parents going through similar situations. Here you will find support and understanding for all your trials and tribulations. you do not deserve to be treated this way-come and see how we support one another in a very caring and respectful way-I am very sorry for your estrangement from your 2 children-I came here in January when this happened to me as well and found some people here who started a specific web site to support estranged family members-it is free and you can join if you feel you want to after checking it out-take care dear and god bless-motherlode(gale)

    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 11:47PM
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    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 11:51PM
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thank you so much, I will be right there--My heart is so broken right now and I appreciate the help

    Bookmark   March 29, 2009 at 11:08AM
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Hi Karenannie,
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I believe that the best and only thing you can do right now is leave them alone. Don't attempt to contact them as your attempts will be rejected. Live your life with your husband and other kids and work on yourself right now and your relationship with them. The children in which you speak of are grown. In time, they will come back to you and when they do, welcome them but be firm and consistent about the respect that they need to show you or there will be repeat episodes in the future.

About the email - Do you think maybe your daughter's boyfriend sent the email to you as some kind of crude joke? Based on your description of your daughter's reaction after finding out about it, maybe she really didn't send it and is genuinely shocked about you seeing it...just a thought.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 6:56PM
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Sorry you are going through this and can sympathise, since I am estranged from my youngest daughter.

As for the weird email thing, depending on how your computer was set up, you may have received those emails entirely by accident. Since you can't change what's happened I guess you just have to do your best to move forward.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2009 at 11:36AM
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Oh wow, this is so true for me. My 22 and 18 yr. old daughters are close with one another and their dad, who lets them do AND say whatever they want and who has a larger house so they naturally both wanted to live with him after the divorce 12-1/2 years ago. Now that they are both adults, not only is the older one estranged from me (she and I never got along well, so it's no big surprise), but the younger one, a new adult as of Jan. '09, with whom I used to be very close from her birth to about age 14, is nearing that now. Their dad basically "emotionally kidnapped" both of them - he speaks condescendingly to me whenever I stop by and they learned it from him!! He is their "hero," as they can do no wrong in his eyes, or he in their eyes - it is always "party time" at his house, so why wouldn't they favor him? Yet he has done them a great disservice. I can't do anything about it. Yet I did everything for them, all the "dirty work" thru' the years, from diapers and bottles to providing financial security for their educations and other basic needs - both work part-time, but they sure need additional funds, so they really have taken advantage of me - one is in a design trade school, the other will attend a state university in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Their studies may seem great - but what am I left with for all my blood, sweat and toil?! Very little at all!! Ive even had to help them with a few legal issues like an "almost DUI" when my younger one was a minor (age 17), and a couple of moving violations. My younger one was somewhat friendly to my 2nd husband (whom I married in 2002) in recent years, before she hit 18; but now, neither one of them shows the slightest interest in him or inclination to be friendly to him at all, despite knowing I am close with him and he has done a lot to make my life better in terms of companionship etc., plus the fact that he has tried to be friendly to them when there has been an opportunity. But his and my lives and activities (work, hobbies, etc.) mean nothing to them. The last 4 or 5 Mother's Days when we have gotten together, they have made little "time slots" for me, quickly giving me gifts such as bath products (oh wow), eating lunch "on the fly," and then saying "gotta go - see ya." THIS Mother's Day - I don't even think there will be any get together because I can't take the one-sidedness any longer - i.e., the totally one-way effort. Bottom line: I somehow must come to grips w/ this and somehow get to where I'm at peace w/ it. Thank you for your site, and I hope someone reads this post  I also empathize with all of you who are in the same Âboat that I am. Thanks for reading this, if you do. / P.S. Part of the reason for this happening also, I believe, is that I started doing more night music "gigs" and jam sessions (my free-lance profession is jazz pianist/vocalist) once they hit the age where I could start getting out more, around 2003  this actually wound up backfiring on me, though, in that although I was glad to be more freed up and thought it was perfectly fine to start being out more at night especially since they were spending most of their time at their dadÂs house anyway, it actually made them feel I was less "there" or "available" for them.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 9:27PM
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Dear Jazzlady-if you read karenannie post you will see there is a place where you can be heard and supported like you never thought was is an epedemic right now with adult chidren distancing themselves from their parents-you will be so shocked to know how many-please come by and check it out-it has helped me so very much at a time that was the most painful for me in my life-take care-Motherlode

    Bookmark   April 15, 2009 at 1:06AM
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