Adult child needs advice

secrecyFebruary 23, 2012

As I'm writing this, I'm wearing disposable gloves and earplugs. Yes, it's weird but I have a reason. Let me start by telling you why I can't move out.

I'm 26 and I live with my parents. I want desperately to move out but I can't take care of myself and I can't work due to as yet undiagnosed sleep disorders. I'm TRYING to get on disability and to get my health fixed and get an apartment or something but disability keeps telling me for months now that they have no appointments available and they're also notorious for denying people the first FEW times they apply and no doctor has been able to help me, yet.

The problem is that my dad is the most annoying person in the world. Really.

He is a constant source of odd, intrusive noises. He claims that he's "congested" and maybe he is but I get congested and so do other people and they're not a one man noise factory. He clears his throat as loud as humanly possible, as often as humanly possible. I am not exaggerating. We live in a large three story house and I can hear him ANYWHERE in the house, EVEN with earplugs. There is NO reason in the world why this is necessary. He makes these weird popping noises in the back of his throat, he makes these odd groans, he sniffs quickly twice followed by a weird moan. He pitches his voice very high and squeals. He makes clipping noises when he bites his nails, he clicks his nails together, he makes that snorting back mucous noise because he refuses to blow his nose, and many more noises. Many annoying noises and the earplugs muffle them at best. I can't hide away from him my whole life. I need to live too. I can't be a hermit in hiding just to avoid him, although that's actually what I have to do most of the time when my patience wears out, and it goes pretty fast because he's a constant onslaught of annoyance. He also won't get hearing aids so he blasts the tv and doesn't care if anyone else is uncomfortable because of it, he's also constantly asking people to repeat themselves when a few years ago, he would say, "the pope doesn't repeat his sermon" if you asked him to repeat himself if you happened to miss what he said.

But the noises aren't everything. He's disgusting. He won't shower regularly and he re-wears the same soiled clothing many days in a row. He's not poor by any means. He can afford soap, water, and clean clothing. To make it even better, he absolutely refuses to use deodorant. He doesn't own any. I've bought some and left them on his sink but he throws them out. Probably because he's weight, he sweats a lot. He stinks. He constantly has his fingers in his mouth because he bites his nails and he wipes them on the couch and flings the clippings onto the floor. He uses toothpicks and leaves them around the house on the furniture. Since he refuses to use tissues, he wipes his mucus off with his FINGERS and of course he refuses to wash his hands so he deposits mucus and saliva on everything he touches. Hence why I've taken to wearing gloves, disinfecting everything daily and having to rewash any dishes and eating utensils before I can use them. I also can't eat anything that he touches, like bread if he puts his hand on it to stabilize it while cutting, cheese, pretty much anything unpackaged that I'm not sure that he's touched.

YES, it is his house and I'm existing on his charity because I'm way past childhood and he doesn't have to take care of me anymore but that's besides the fact. I AM ungrateful. I can't help it. He makes no attempt to get along and I don't want to have anything to do with him. I can't stand to be around him. I don't have the saintlike patience it would take. He's embarrassing and offensive. I would like to have a good relationship with my own father but he makes it so that I can't stand to be anywhere near him. He makes no attempt to make fewer noises or to even make them quieter. He doesn't even care if he makes other people uncomfortable with his odor and by getting mucus and saliva on everything. He just doesn't care.

Besides leaving and moving under a bridge, does anyone have any advice? Family counseling is out because he and my mom won't do it. I suspect he may have some dementia and so I plead regularly with my mom to discuss it with his doctor but she won't and his doctor tells me that they can't discuss his health with me.

I have no idea what to do and I'm miserable and I find myself hating the man who is my own father and I don't like the person I'm becoming. I'm angry and pissed off all the time. My patience gets worn out and I have none left.

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Oh dear you are in a pickle.

Do you think your health problems are because of the stress you are feeling regarding your living arrangements ?

I take it your father is retired and does not work ?

The only possible solution to your problem is you have to find another place to live. That should be your priority.

Don't sit there dwelling and fuming - use a positive mind and get moving.

Do your have siblings, or friends who could help you with accomodation ?

What is your work/study history ?

If you stay there you will probably end up like him, what a terrible thought !

Your poor mother - she has to put up with all this.

Forgive me for being brutal - but you do seem to have a blame mentality going on. You blame your father, you blame the doctor, you blame your mother for her inaction. Try to change this pattern of thought and you might find that things can work out for you.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 11:28PM
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I don't have anyone else I can live with. I don't know what I can do because I can't live on my own, I don't have the money and I'm not well enough to work to make the money.

He's not retired, but the time that he spends at home is still overwhelming when he's so annoying.

Some of my problems may be due to the stress but the sleep disorders aren't. Those are my major health issues right now.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 12:25PM
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I forgot to mention how he likes to burn garbage in the fireplace and fill up the house with the fumes from plastic bottles, inks, containers, paint, etc.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 9:34PM
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There is no doubt that what you describe is terrible, and your father does have some problems.

Perhaps your solution is to talk to a counsellor, who can give you some constructive advice.

It is difficult for me to say more than that, without actually knowing you.

At least you can just vent here, and get things off your chest.

I think your father has a real problem with what is normal behaviour.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2012 at 1:39AM
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Thanks. It does make me feel better to vent, and to have people agree with me. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because I'm the only one who is bothered by all this. I don't understand it, how doesn't it bother other people to have mucus and saliva on everything they touch, including eating utensils and the constant noises?! I'm trying to find a therapist, I've been through just about everyone in the area though but I'm not giving up yet.

    Bookmark   February 29, 2012 at 2:12AM
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Not only are the things you describe annoying and unsanitary, but burning plastic in the house? That can be life-threatening.

No matter what, you need to find a way out of your situation.

I do NOT believe there is no kind of work you can do. Motivated people with all sorts of disabilities (way worse than sleep disorders) find work--not, of course, if their primary goal is to collect disability payments, but you say that hasn't happened yet.

Get creative. What can you do from home? Check with your local school systems and hospitals to see if they need someone to call subs. when needed. A friend did word processing for a title company from home when she was raising her toddlers. Not top of anyone's list, but many do phone sales in a pinch. There is some sort of work you can manage, from home, if only on a parttime basis. You just need to find what it is.

Your medical issues--if you're having problems getting diagnosed and treated, you need to get yourself to a really good teaching hospital. That would probably be the best place to find the answers you need.

As far as your problems with the disability system go? You have to have a lawyer to navigate that system and get the full benefits you may be due. Many lawyers will consult in your home, if you can't get to their office. Many will also give a first consult for free--during which they listen to your situation, and offer what options you may have.

Your father? There are obviously both physical and mental issues going on there. While it's true his dr. cannot discuss your dad's health with you, the dr IS allowed to listen to YOU if you have concerns. I'd give him another call, expressing that you know he cannot say anything, but that you just want to give them a heads' up about some symptoms you're noticing, so they can keep their eyes out and address any problems they see when he comes in. Your father definitely needs to have some treatment or he's just going to get worse and worse. You won't be able to look yourself in the mirror, down the road, if you don't do all you can to get him the help HE needs.

You do sound as if you've got a lot on your plate. I'm not being harsh in my answers--just realistic, and the things I've said are exactly the advice I'd give my niece or best friend if they came to me with your issues. I wish you the best, and hope you find resolution, a job, and a peaceful place to live in the near future. Good luck

    Bookmark   February 29, 2012 at 10:21AM
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"I don't understand it, how doesn't it bother other people to have mucus and saliva on everything they touch, including eating utensils "

When you say bother other people - who else is involved, or knows about your situation ?

It is becoming a health issue, who is to say that your father could do something worse that could endanger you and your mother, and him.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2012 at 11:09PM
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Oh ,I havnt read all the responses,but i can see it is soo obvious it is YOU that has the problems,you are suffering from some sort of fear of germs ,salava,i really dont know,you dont see the outside world and are watching your dad all the time,you have become obsessed with his behaviour,you need help ,xx

    Bookmark   March 2, 2012 at 4:55PM
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also i forgot to mention,if you are having sleep problems,everything you feel you are going through feels a thousand times worse,irratated,angry,even suicidal can be the symptoms,sleep deprivation is one of the worst things,have you got insomnia?

    Bookmark   March 3, 2012 at 3:13AM
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Oh ,I havnt read all the responses,but i can see it is soo obvious it is YOU that has the problems"

You can't be bothered to read all the responses but you've already decided that Secrecy is the problem?

Its obvious that someone has a problem but now I'm not sure who.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2012 at 9:32PM
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why should i have to read the responses?,i was giving my oppinion on what the op posted,i dont always read the advice of what others have wrote,i dont want to.and im not sure what you are saying.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2012 at 4:29AM
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Yeah... I'm just going to completely ignore what Tracy wrote. It's clear she A. Doesn't know what she's talking about, especially when she presumes to know about my medical problems and how I feel and view things and also because B. She's just a troll with nothing better to do with her time than attempt to draw people into arguments.

Azzalea, I can't work even part time. I'm sleeping almost all the time and the rest of the time I have no energy. Also, a part time job won't allow me to afford my own place and especially my medical bills and insurance and everything else.

Popi, my mom and brother are the other people. My dad is in the other room right now with them, clearing his throat as loud as he possibly can and yawning as loud as he possibly can every couple of minutes. I came downstairs for the first time day to get dinner, it's 11pm now, but I'm about to just give up and go upstairs because I can't even stand to be on the same level of the house as him.

And I agree. It could become worse than just mucus and saliva on everything and burning garbage because he's getting worse and worse. My mom still won't talk to his doctor and his doctor still won't talk to me or even listen.

I'm washing my hands so often that they're cracked and bleeding and my schedule is all out of whack because I'm trying my best to avoid being anywhere around my dad and I'm not eating as much as I should because nothing is clean. I've taken to only eating packaged items because I know that those are clean.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2012 at 11:08PM
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Secrecy--I took the time to offer a lot more than just the suggestion that you get a parttime job.

As to the parttime job--no, of course it won't afford you the money to get out, BUT it's one little step on the road. You are extremely unlikely to find a single, quick solution that will address all your problems in an instant. I was merely suggestiong that was a good place to start.

Have you looked into getting yourself to a teaching hospital for diagnosis and treatment? It's really the best solution.

What are you going to do about the burning plastic--that's life-threatening and in all honesty? May be a big part of your (and probably your father's) health issues.

What about your father's health issues? You can't just toss up your hands and say "the dr. won't listen'--you need to MAKE him listen, or I promise you--you'll spend many years not being able to stand the guilt of not helping him when he needed it.

Have you spoken to a disability lawyer?

Yes, with the issues you describe, I know finding the energy to do these things is difficult, but you aren't going to find a way out unless and until you make up your mind that you're going to make some changes. Find a way to fix your health, find a way to get out of the house, find a way to help your father--and you'll be able to look to the rest of your life with a smile on your face.

And again--I would be twice as hard on my own daughter, if she were telling me she had your problems. I'd make sure I pushed her until I pushed her into being the best, most independent person she could be. I only take the time to post because I care and want to see you doing better. Hang in there, and make yourself do one thing each day to improve your life. Start small, changing something little, and work up to the bigger issues, but make sure you do SOMEthing each day to improve things.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2012 at 9:35AM
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So how is your brother ? Do you talk to him ?

Do you want to do something, yourself, to improve your life ?

Do you ever go outside of the house ?

I assume your mother provides all the food you eat ?

Azzalea gives some excellent advice and makes a good point, nothing will change for you unless YOU do something.

Things will stay the same if you do NOTHING.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2012 at 12:17AM
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I do not want to cause arguments .thats rubbish,but your brother and mother are not botherd by him,i still think it is you ,if you are asleep all the time, why the hell does your father affect you?what a load of crap.i cant beleive other people cant see its you with the problem.i saw it straight away,perhaps cause i had o.c.d,i dont know, but you seriously are ill,and in denial.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2012 at 6:32AM
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Lol. Still ignoring Tracy. I bet it's driving her crazy.

I FINALLY got a diagnosis. I'm working on recovery but it's going to take time. There's no guarantee that it's the whole story but it most likely is.

The only time I'm awake is when everything is closed. There's really not much I can do until I get better. And I can't afford a disability lawyer. I have no money.

I'm thinking about a program for abused mentally ill. I do have depression (no surprise there) and my parents are abusive, although no longer physically since I became old enough to defend myself. I think I do have a degree of learned helplessness. Also, my diagnosis explains a lot too, I can't think clearly.

My mom and brother aren't exactly the cleanliest or least annoying people themselves (each have their own set of odd noises and habits and don't shower regularly, although my brother is much worse in the hygiene department than my mom) so now that I think about it, it's not such a surprise that my dad doesn't bother them as much as he does me. While I, on the other hand, have bromidrophobia (my own odor, not others) and also am afraid that I might have some weird habit that I'm not aware that I'm doing.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2012 at 4:22AM
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yawn ,yawn ,get out and about and sniff smells.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2012 at 4:18PM
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Sorry Secrecy,

I have to agree with tracy this time... I read the OP and all responses but what gets me is the constant barrage of excuses of why "I can't", like you are helpless. You are not helpless unless you want to be. If you sleep all day, you can change your sleep pattern with some effort & time. If you are asleep while everything is open and awake when everything is closed, why does the sounds your father make, annoy you so much? There are medical treatments for the conditions you have.

I fail to see what you hope to gain by telling the forum all these things... how annoying

Are you here to vent or get solutions? The only solution is to continue to wear your earplugs and maybe work on appreciating that you have family that allows you to loaf in their house at age 26. OR you can move out. You can also seek treatment for your medical problems. It's a lot easier to get an appointment for treatment than it is to get an appointment for a disability evaluation. From the posts, it seems you may be more interested in not finding a solution to your problems but maybe trying to figure out a way to get on the government dole because of it.

And no, I'm not a troll looking to argue. I work full time while dealing with several medical conditions... three of which cause LOW ENERGY. I am also raising a 3 year old that is energy draining. I have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety.. I take medication and when needed, I get therapy. My husband is OCD as well. The point is, quit making excuses & take control of your life and your situation. You're 26 and your parents are entitled to live how they wish in their home. In the OP, you say "I AM ungrateful". Why are you ungrateful?

I guess I'm left wondering what do you want from posting your situation here?

    Bookmark   April 14, 2012 at 4:37PM
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You say you are only awake when everything is closed? Haven't you ever heard of the night shift? There are a lot of 24 hour businesses. Hotels/motels have night clerks who man the check in desk all night. Convience stores are open all night and need clerks for the graveyard shift. Lots of restaurants and fast food places are open 24 hours. There's lots of places you could work if you wanted to instead of staying at home and whining about your situation.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2012 at 11:35AM
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All of you are starting to really anger me. Tracystoke with her post:"yawn ,yawn ,get out and about and sniff smells" is about as disrespectful and rude as it gets. The others nitpicking and thinking they have all the answers and solutions to secrecy's desperate cry for help. I understand that he gives reasons why he can't do certain things that are suggested to him. Why is he being accused of making excuses. I see cold heartless responses and "You are the problem" when met with lack of an instant "Eureka!!!" moment
default everyday suggestions that really can not work in his situation.
He has and told us he has been diagnosed. He has to battle a mental illness. He is depressed. His home situation is deplorable. Does everyone think he really is possibly lazy, or doesnt want to have a job or bother looking for one, etc. etc. etc.??? HELLOOOOOO! He is reaching out for advice and telling someone with his illness and home situation to go get a job, or stay with someone else, etc. just doesn't cut it. I am sure some of the people mean well.
I myself am on disability, with a couple illnesses with no cure. By the way, I also have Narcolepsy. I am stuck in an abusive situation just to keep a roof over my head and not end up homeless.
Secrecy, I have a couple suggestions, and will understand if you have difficulties with them. Just try your best. The first good thing you are doing for yourself is asking for help, and sticking to your guns and not dropping off this thread and giving up (at least to as far as I have read).
You do sleep so much with depression, let alone any other problems with it. If you can, try to get on several different additional forums such as one for Mental health or depression, looking for work is an insane undertaking at this point in your life. Does everyone really think that if secrecy gets a job how can he actually function with the mental and physical state he is in? Number 1, try to get help with depression, maybe getting medications, help with how to COPE with your home situation. Number 2, try to get from Mental Health doctor a referral to a sleep center to get tested for Narcolepsy. If indeed diagnosed with that too, medicine will do wonders and get you in a regular sleep cycle. If you don't have it, then,you know depression is a big factor. I am not going to guess or diagnose, just adding on to what you have told us.
If you try and work with Mental Health, (therapy/meds), learn to cope with home situation (for now, not forever),(through therapy and/or support forums) - ask the people at mental health if you can qualify for their housing. Most Mental Health facilities in just about every town in the US has rooms, group homes, apts. set up for their patients. if they don't, I know they have referrals to agencies that will help. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings for your recovery from the nightmare you have been living in. Do not give up!
I have a list of how to help or not help people with chronic illness written by Not Done Living:

DON�T assume because I look well that I feel well. Looks can be very
deceiving. Many days I look great, but I feel terrible.

DON�T tell me you know how I feel. No one knows how anyone else feels. Two people with the same disease may feel totally different. We all have varying thresholds of pain, and pain cannot be measured.

DON�T tell me about your great-aunt GERTRUDE and her illness, and how well she managed in spite of it. I am not AUNT GERTRUDE, and I am doing my best.

DON�T tell me, "It could be worse". Yes, it could be, but I don�t need to be reminded.

DON�T decide what I am capable of doing. Chronic physical illness doesn�t affect the brain. Allow me to decide what activities I can participate in. There may be times I might make the wrong decision, and if I do, I�ll know it soon enough.

DON�T be upset that you cannot ease my pain. It won�t do any good for both of us to be miserable.

DON�T ask me how I feel unless you really want to know. You may hear a lot more than you are prepared to listen to.

DON�T assume because I did a certain activity yesterday that I can do it today. Chronic illness and pain is ever-changing.

DON�T tell me about the latest fad �cure�. I want to be cured more than anything, and if there is a legitimate cure out there, my doctor will let me know.

DO learn everything you can about the disease. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to know what to expect.

DO realize I am angry and frustrated with the disease, not with you.

DO let me know you are available to help me when I ask. I�ll be grateful.

DO offer me lots of hugs and encouragement.

DO understand why I cancel plans at the last minute. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel.
Chronic illness is like that.

DO continue to invite me to all the activities. Just because I am not able to bike ride along with the gang does not mean I can�t meet you for the picnic at the end of the trail. Please let me decide � If I cancel activities, please do not stop inviting me. I do not deserve to be shut out or forgotten and left alone. Do not give up on my life, I have a hard time doing that myself.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2012 at 2:46PM
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arcover,you are going on how you feel with life,you are rock bottom and are also assuming he is the same as you ,so you are judging too,that list could apply to anyone.the get out and sniff smells comment came across as rude to you ,but i could not imagine being in the same house 24 hrs a day and only sniffing the smells in that house,there are so many beautiful smells,cut grass,fresh flowers,fresh bread in the bakery or supermarket,fresh ground cofee ,peoples washing powder.perfume, may may be right though ,but so might I.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2012 at 3:30PM
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A grown-up person who snorts & snots & spits & won't bathe or change clothes is a problem.

It may be Alzheimer's (sp? I never can remember how to spell it...), it may, if this man is a heavy drinker, be alcohol dementia, it may be either or both or neither of those things coupled with malice & spitefulness.

OP grew up with this person for a father, which might shine some light on OP's medical problems;
a stressful, abusive, or chaotic home environment will wreak havoc with your immune system.

If your mom is willing to live with this, I'm sorry to say that it isn't going to change.

(Even if she wanted help, it's very difficult to force someone to take a bath & stop acting repulsive.)

My guess is that this environment had a lot to do with making you sick, & it's making you sicker.

If you can't work & don't have another income, please see someone about public housing;
I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 4:14PM
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Yeah, my fault. I should get treatment for a medical problem that I couldn't get diagnosed! I've been looking for a diagnosis for OVER TEN YEARS. Almost half my life. And my health has been getting worse and worse. I've had to drop out of school because of it (which was fantastic and I so wanted it to happen) and I've been fired or had to quit from jobs (which I also loved happening) that I've tried like heck to pull off but trying wasn't enough. It's kind of hard to fix something when you don't know what that something is. I'm just not as magical as some of you seem to be. And since I never disclosed my medical diagnosis, it's really quite an assumption to tell me that I'm not doing anything because I choose to be helpless. Gee, maybe I'm dying and I can't get out of bed because my body is failing. The point is, you don't know what's wrong with me. You're not my doctors. You're not me. You don't know what I'm going through. Don't assume about something when you have no idea what you're talking about. It really doesn't make you look very good.

THANK YOU arcover12, slyviatexas and everyone else that was willing to offer actual advice without condemning me or suggesting that I perform miracles. I really do appreciate your advice.

I'm going to look into public housing. It's clear I can't continue to live in an abusive situation and until my health improves, I can't work to put a roof over my head.

While I have FINALLY found a diagnosis, the road to recovery is long and so in the meantime, I've applied for disability and the long wait to see if I get approved goes on. If I don't get approved, I'll try to find an advocate. I believe the county offers some assistance with this.

I really do believe that my father has some form of dementia. Even if I do move out, I'm still concerned about him. But I can't force him to see a doctor and I can't force my mother to get him to go either. It's such a shame. She'd rather pretend that nothing is wrong while my father could be getting help. He's losing precious time in which his possible condition could be reversed or slowed down.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2012 at 9:43PM
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Sounds like you have solved (to some extent) your problems.

Try not to be downhearted, don't become overwhelmed because you can't solve the issue with your parents. Sometime we have to accept that "we did our best".

Focus on yourself, you seem to be doing that, and you will find a sunny future for yourself.

It is surprising, when one feels happy in themselves, we can often find a positive way to help others.

Try to live in the moment - this is a terrific way to get through life's difficulties. I try to stick to this idea, myself.

I am suffering with a sick relative who is young but not going to make it - it is so hard, but I try my best to be positive and accept what is happening and look for positives. There are always positives even in the grimmest situations !

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2012 at 12:53AM
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yeah poppi you are so right,that is a lovely way to try and get through difficult times,and secrecy I appoligise for being so judgemental,you are right we are not your doctors and it really is only you that knows excactly what is going on.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2012 at 5:02AM
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Good luck to you. It sounds like your dad has a personality disorder. My exhusband has several. He started out as "normal" and slid down the slope into just about everything you describe from your dad, plus hoarding.

It doesn't happen over night. Don't blame your mom because as his spouse, she must have a lot of shame. I did and still do. When you marry a normal person and they turn into THAT over a period of years, you become ashamed of them.

Good luck to you. Keep pursuing medical treatment. Getting out is the best thing you can do for your health. After I got divorced my health improved dramaticly. Being miserable is a drain on your energy, so it does not leave much energy for you to regain your health. I hope you can find another living arrangement soon.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2012 at 7:30PM
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