How come it is okay for our teenagers to have sex?

Sue__WAFebruary 12, 2007

Here is the wake up call to parents today:

Your precious child in 3rd grade is going to grow into a hormonal teenager.

Ask me how I know (and I won't get started on the hormonal changes that affect their thinking - it's almost as if you don't exsist any more!)

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Who says it is okay? NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 12, 2007 at 4:02PM
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We never said it was OK. But when we were faced with it, we had to concede. What we were left with was a discussion about safe sex.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2007 at 4:09PM
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Our son (we are pretty sure, but are hoping he is) is practicing safe sex. We have both given him the full-on safe sex talk, and even told him that if he is going to have sex, that we would supply him with condoms. He told us that she is on birth-control pills, and he is not worried. He also understands about aids and does not feel she is a threat. From what I've been able to gather about her, is that this is not her first "boyfriend" or first "girlfriend".

She is 2 years older than him (he started school in Calif - a year earlier than our state), but as far as I can tell, has the same mentality as him. Both have jobs, she is on permanant? (disablility) and has been recouperating from an on the job injury. I have doubts about her injuries. She is here several times a week, and I see no disability. My husband and I both feel that she is lacking in character.

From what I can gather, the parents are divorced, the mother is a pill popper, although working, and the father is a laborer, who drinks too much. The girl lives with her father, and she hangs out all day waiting for our son to get home from school or work so he can take care of her. For example, buy her dinner.

Our son is struggling in school with his grades. I want to hear from other parents that see their child sliding into a similar hole. We are not absent parents, we have always participated in our son's life, and the love is not lost. It will never be lost, he knows we will always be here for him.

We don't know how to proceed at this point. He is 17, and will be 18 soon.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2007 at 4:40PM
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At his age I guess that all you can do now is tell him that you wish he wouldn't have sex. I wouldn't supply him with condoms. I would make sure he gets them himself. I wouldn't want to send mixed messages. (don't have sex, but here are some condoms for when you do.) Hopefully the girl is being truthful when she says she is on birth control. Let him know that he can never be absolutely sure about any person he has sex with when it comes to STD's.
What did your son's teachers say about his struggles when you met with them? Did they offer any suggestions as to how to get your son back on track. When my child was not "making the grade" she wasn't allowed to do anything else either. No sports, no going out, and friends wouldn't be allowed to come over so frequently for a visit. I didn't expect all A's but I would expect improvement before things got back to where they were before the struggles. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 12, 2007 at 6:48PM
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I'm sorry, but I would have to disagree about not giving condoms. Sure wish I had kept them handy for my son when he was a teenager. We knew he and his girlfriend were having sex and knew there was nothing we could do to stop them. We had numerous conversations about safe sex and abstinence with both him and his girlfriend, and with her family. We had our oldest son talk to him, and also one of his friends. We were really hoping they were having safe sex, and sometimes they were! Found a used condom to prove it.. but if one isn't available when the "urge" hits, they're going to do it anyway.

I know some of you will disagree with giving condoms but I have a grandchild that was born to kids. Love him to death, but it's made life hard for them both. Not to mention how hard it is to pay child support from such an early age.

And if the girl is as you suggested, I would not trust son's ability to determine her "safe" from aids or any other STD's. OR for her to be responsible enough to keep up with her birth control. Not to mention that she might try to trap him by getting pregnant on purpose. Hey, it happens!

My sons grades didn't suffer any, but I don't know why. Often I would wake up in the middle of the night to find them talking on the phone. She, however, ended up dropping out of school when the baby was about 9 months old. And of course they are no longer together, which makes it hard for paternal grandparents. I really feel as if I am missing out on alot of important events even though we see our grandson often. He is 7 now.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 12:06AM
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I disagree too about not supplying them with condoms. THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR IS: She got pregnant cuz we didnt have any condoms...

I mean,let's be realistic,they are gonna want to do it. We would never want them too,if it was up to us. But they should be prepared for when it happens and know that "it is normal" and that if we find out we wont yell at them.

What is the age of consent anyways? 16? That's when my mom told it was ok to have sex. Of course,just because I turned 16 doesnt mean I rushed out to do it. But I truely feel as long as the teen is mature enough (and I think I was) then it is up to them AS LONG AS THEY ARE AT LEAST 16.
Anything younger then that is just too young and kinda gross to even think about.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 3:30AM
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When my son was about 17, it was clear that his relationship with a girl was becoming serious. I asked him - "should we be talking about birth control?" We had a good relationship and he said they hadn't had sex yet, but that it was probably a matter of time. I told him, "I hope that you will wait. I hope that you will understand that this is something very special and if you are just wanting to satisfy your curiosity, you will regret it. But, most importantly, you need to be responsible. You need to protect yourself and your girlfriend. I drove him to the drugstore where he purchased condoms.

I would do the same thing again in a heartbeat. If I had a daughter, I'd tell her the same thing, only probably a little stronger because for her, the price of carelessness is much higher. You can give your child information without telling them that you necessarily approve.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 9:51AM
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I don't think it's sending mixed messages saying "I WISH you wouldn't have sex", then giving him condoms. Of course you WISH he wouldn't have sex, but you also know he IS having sex. So if you say I WISH you wouldn't, but if you do, use a condom. AND supply them. You don't want a baby running around. They are wonderful, they are a gift, we all know that, but they are also, at the same time, life changing, and not always in a good way. Since he IS going to have sex, then he MUST NOT leave the birth control up to her, no matter what she is using, he must show responsibility too, and use a condom, period. That is his contribution to the situation.

Vickey-MN (Grandma Vickey...see Yes I've been there too)

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 7:30AM
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Sue, it is time for the talk--mom/son, dad/son, or parents/son. First of all, he is not protected from STD or AIDs if he does not use a condom. He also needs to understand that condoms fail. There is no such thing as safe sex, just safer sex. He also needs to understand that he is leaving the birth control to her, and if she takes a pill wrong, late or not at all, they could become parents. He needs a lecture as to his responsibility should she become pregnant, which is 18-22 years of financial responsibility. And then, parent to parent, let me mention entrapment. It happens.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2007 at 8:24PM
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If we can't talk with our son's & daughters about the responsible choices they are making how can we expect them to talk with us if something goes wrong in their life? A discussion with your teen allows us the opportunity to express the importance of our values, safety, and responsibility, but ultimately they will make the decisions. My college age son called yesterday and said he & his girlfriend had decided to take the next step in their relationship and she had asked him to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases since he had a previous relationship. He called to tell me he was going to Planned Parenthood and wondered if it would be covered under insurance, etc. I am pleased that they are discussing things beforehand. I am pleased that as awkward as he may feel he can talk to his mom. And I believe that if ever he found himself in a "situation" he would turn to me  for that I am fortunate. I also have a 17 year old daughter and I hope that when at some point in her life she decides to take the next step she will make responsible decisions always knowing she can talk with me.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 1:15PM
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Try having your 14 year old tell you he's gay! Trust me, whether or not and when he's going to have sex pales in comparason to worrying about some homophobe beating him up or worse.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2007 at 7:31PM
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