Ex-wife is trying to ruin everyones lives.

Lucy34527February 24, 2013

So I have been with my boyfriend for a while and we have had a pretty good relationship. Except the fact that I became the subject of ridicule from his ex-wife. Since I have gotten in the picture it has been one thing after another. The hard part is that she is mentally ill and is not medicated which just exacerbates the situation. When I first got with him he was nearing the end of his long and drawn out divorce. I was there for him as moral support through this trying time. When I did end up getting with him I ended up getting stalked by this woman. She went as far as to act like a friend and get my phone number from a someone on facebook and to call and threaten to sue me over defamation of character, because she got the idea that I was sleeping with him long before they got divorced. Which I didn't even know him then. She would start up stuff with me then a couple of months would go by and it would be quiet, then it would start up again. She, like my mother is bi-polar and she refuses to take her medicine which explains the ups and downs, the mania and the lows. I even had to get a restraining order on her because she would follow me where ever I went. I know that they didn't have a good relationship because the family has even confirmed that they argued a lot. She was very short tempered and he was also short tempered. They were a bad combination, which she even says herself (it doesn't make sense to me). Where as I am very layed back, holistic, and all about harmony in the home. So that was exactly what he needed a system flush and a reset. The saddest part is that there is a child in the mix. I am slowly finding out that she is manipulating her child so badly and we can't do anything about it. She calls non-stop when he is here interrupting our time with him. She also makes a huge scene when there is an exchange from households. When she gets her son back she grills him for information (which I can tell it confuses and upsets him). She also has caused such a huge problem that we now have to make the exchange of households at the police station. (The last time she dropped him off she started yelling when she was inside. She then started threatening and got him upset. He was confused and conflicted and started crying. She then commenced to take it outside where it made her ex-husband look like the bad guy because the ex-wife is yelling the boy is crying and the ex-husband is trying to tell their son to go inside so him and the ex-wife can talk together. The cops ended up getting called (as they have before because she was not complying and threatening everyone, because she feels as a woman she can get what ever she wants and she cannot get in trouble and will not go to jail.) The police officers said that the exchange needs to be made at the station from here on. (That means she can't try to cause a scene anymore). She has alleged that we abuse her son and has called the Department of Family Services on us twice. Which they didn't find any reason to go anywhere with the case because there was nothing wrong. She has came to my work threatening to fight me, which she is now banned from being on the premises of mine and his jobs and if she refuses to leave the cops will be called. She also calls me synonyms for a hussy and every argument starts with what I am doing with my life and the home I am trying to build. When their son comes over he acts out and is having trouble in school from that week spent with her. She feels it is horrible to force him to study because the school is there to teach children not the parents. Which we strongly feel that school and learning responsibilities is best for him at this age (he is 7). She lets him talk to her disrespectfully and do what ever he wants when ever and he will not listen to her. She also tries to buy him what ever he needs to make him happy with her and make her the favorite parent. He is encouraged to disrespect me and his father and she also coaches him to behave badly towards us. She lets him sleep in her bed with her every night. At our household we don't because that is just not right and it weirds me out quite honestly. We found out last night that she does his homework for him and he fails the test and work in school because she isn't going over anything with him and reinforcing it, or even having him do his own work. She just lets him play video games and watch TV all day and snack. She will not take him to the park but always promises to and she wont do anything to get him out of the house other that buying him stuff at the mall. He also has no sence of independence and responsibility he can't even tie his shoes by himself (which we have been working on and he is getting better.) Or even read, he is struggling so bad with reading which he gets mad about being here at our house because we make him read and go outside and do not let him sit there play games and watch TV all day. But because she is the fun one she keeps coaching him to basically hate his father and want to be with her. She doesn't realize you can't let a child make major decisions and tell you as the parent what he will and will not do. At our house we have a rules chart with a tally point system for a reward for every tally you get. When he is with us he isn't doing horribly in school and he is being respectful and saying thank you no thank you yes ma'am no sir. But as soon as we get close to his mothers he starts calling people names hitting people and throwing temper tantrums. When she is around he even kicks the cats, which also disturbs me that he is showing cruelty towards animals, but he is corrected. I don't understand why she is wont get help and she tells her son to lie and exaggerate. I don't think she realizes that she is hurting him really badly right now. He has such a strong attachment to her and she is alienating him from his father and taking his fathers dignity away. A boy needs his father. I grew up without a mother, I'm sure its just as bad for a boy to grow up without his father. She is trying to take her son away from his father and make him pay child support even though she makes more money. She has a shopping addiction and I don't think she needs child support, she needs help. His son has been enrolled in counseling and has been attending for a month so far. I just don't know what to do this lady is mentally messing up her son and I don't want him to grow up and be a dysfunctional adult. She is a very bad influence on him and encourages him to do bad things. When he is at our house we do not say anything negative about his mother in front of him and tell him that his mommy loves him. The only option I see is for us to record all the happenings and then once we have substantial evidence then take her to court. He even had to resort to install a camera in the living room with a microphone in it to catch her wild and crazy outbursts. He also got a phone call recording app to catch her calling us obscenities and saying horrible things. I don't know how else his father and I can help him other that just ignoring her and raising him the best way we see fit and instilling good morals and values in him. I am a laid back person but I feel like I am going to snap, and I know that's the worst thing I can do. Help please!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I don't know how else his father and I can help him other that just ignoring her and raising him the best way we see fit and instilling good morals and values in him."

Is it possible to move a little distance away so you don't have to see her as often?

    Bookmark   February 26, 2013 at 8:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No it isn't being that they have joint custody.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2013 at 8:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Looks like you have to decide if he is worth all the aggravation....

PS - Do you have her permission to record?

    Bookmark   February 28, 2013 at 12:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes he did get her permission to record. I feel a child's future and his life is well worth the aggravation of his BM to make sure he grows up to have a happy fulfilling life.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2013 at 9:56PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You may not be able to control what she does but you can control how you react, what you choose to do. Keep the restraining order. That keeps her away from you. If she shows up, then call the police (take her picture with your phone).

Turn off your phones when the child is over. No phones on means no answering calls. Sure it will irritate her but so what? It will make your home more peaceful. I have a no electronics rule from 5 pm through about 7 pm. All phones are off. If it is a true emergency then someone can drive to my house.

Your bf can tell her that he will have their child call her at 7 or 8 pm to say goodnight, if that is what usually happens. It is your (plural) house so establish rules and boundaries that work for your family and stick to them.

If they have joint custody then his Dad should go have a meeting with the teacher and request an IEP- it is for learning disabilities. A child who is struggling in school will act up because they are not able to do the work, become very frustrated, don't fit in with the other kids.

Perhaps he needs some assistance in school to help in. Schools push alot of material at kids and they need to be able to keep up. If the Mom is doing his homework for him then it sounds like the homework is too much for him and so it is easier for Mom to just do it for him.

Many districts have special reading specialists for elementary kids. I would pursue having him tested, talking to the teacher about how he is struggling. This should be a positive time for him in school, if it is not then someone needs to figure out how to make it better.

I would also take him to counseling. A 7 yr old should not be deliberately hurting or taking frustration out on animals. If she is bipolar and not taking meds, is she mentally competent to care for him? Is she doing the basic things that are required?

I feel very sad for this little boy and the situation. I hope you can figure out how to improve the circumstances.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2013 at 12:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you LauraNJ. Well his father has enrolled him in counseling and he has been doing well with it. Also as far as school goes, he can read and do his work. The thing is that he knows how to manipulate his mother into doing his work because when he is at our house we make him apply himself and he does have trouble only because his mother has only hindered his development. The issues that he is mostly having in school is that he is constantly bothering other children and wont listen or try to do his work. His social skills are not very good because his mother baby's him and he doesn't play with any other children and her social skills are not good. She claims to be mentally competent enough to handle him but she is a snake and has convinces people that she is just fine. My mother was bi-polar to the point of borderline personality and schizophrenic and I see a lot of the same issues in his mother and quite honestly I am scared that she may snap one days and hurt someone or try to run away with her son but his father and I cannot do anything about it.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2013 at 9:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm not trying to be rude..but have you asked yourself what attracted you to this dysfunction....surely you knew the deal with his ex before you married...or moved in...

This is an old old problem and will forever be a sticky issue for you...as long as you have visitation with his son...so...till he is an adult?

There are numerous stories of violence out there with ex spouses...the entire situation does not sound like something a balanced person wants to deal with...there is not enough attraction in the world and beyond that would make me want to marry someone with this much baggage...the husband sits back while you stress about it, posting on the internet...

How does he react to all this? Does he let you get enraged and he just listen to that agreeing? Has he ever posted his thoughts online? If I were you, I would wash my hands with it...and find a sane stable relationship..no one deserves to be apart of someone elses rage and illness...good luck

    Bookmark   December 11, 2013 at 7:19PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Normal Behaviour?
I'll keep this short... is it normal that 10 year olds...
mothers estranged from adult children
Hi Ladies. I'm new here and there was a post at the...
A harness for a child that old ?
Looking for a safety harness to keep an escapist toddler...
estrangement from adult children
There seems to be a very common thread with all these...
Adult daughter says actions speak louder than words
My Daughter and I have not had the best relationship...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™