How do you know when you're done?

Danielle_H_SaskFebruary 2, 2005

Hi everyone! My husband and I have two daughters, 4 and 15 months. When I was pregnant with our second I was completely sure that two was enough. My husband was going to go in and have a vasectomy, but I told him to wait until our youngest was one. Now she is and *sigh*... I just don't know! In some ways I'd like to have another, but in other ways I think two children is great. I just don't feel that satisified, "done" feeling. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense. :) When I think of my hubby getting the vasectomy, I just feel so darn sad. Is that normal? I would have thought I would feel nothing but relief.

I did hope that someday I would have a little boy. I have two wonderful, beautiful, smart daughters who I treasure everyday. I would never, ever trade them for anything. I just wanted to say that, lol.

I think I'm just looking for anyone else who has a similar feeling or something. Or some advice. Or a kick in the pants. :D

Thank you for anything you can offer!


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How old are you? Would putting 3 through college put you in the poor house?
Those are the things to consider.
if you are young enough, wait a while.....I know more than a few people who have 2 families....2 in their early 20s then about 8 or 9 years later, 2 more.
And keep in mind...the older you are the larger the chance of having twins...or better!
Life is a gamble....just like poker!...I have twin grand's wonderful....but the parents didn't sleep for about 18 months!
Linda C

    Bookmark   February 3, 2005 at 12:38PM
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My lamaze coach when I was pregnant with my (only) child, at that time had:
An 18 year old daughter
A 15 year old daughter
13 year old triplets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, no fertility, nothing. They just said, let's have one more, and by the grace of God ended up with triplets! AKK.

At the time, my niece was 13, and I was imagining her multiplied by 3! Sheesh!

Anyway, to your question, it's right when both you and your DH are in sync on your desires. I always want another child, but DH isn't convinced :-) He feels he's too old. So for now, and maybe forever, DD will be an only.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2005 at 12:42PM
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I am 29. And since we are still paying for hubby's student loans, we won't be able to start on college funds for a few more years. Once that's paid off, WOOHOO! LOL And I wouldn't want to wait too long. I wouldn't want to really get used to nice, deep sleep again, rofl.

I just don't know if I want three. But then why on earth does the thought of hubby getting a vasectomy make me feel so anxious and sad? Maybe I'm hormonal or something. :)


    Bookmark   February 4, 2005 at 6:07PM
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You are 29, you don't have to make a decision on your family as drastic as a vasectomy. I would use birth control and wait. You can wait for at least 3 or 4 more years or even more. It sounds like you might like that third one, but you've got your hands full right now, you are not hormonal, you are OK. If you were in your late thirties or early 40's that might be something else.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2005 at 6:45PM
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I probably shouldn't say anything, but - I also had "two wonderful, beautiful, smart daughters," then I wanted a boy. He's been the joy and light of my life. When he left for college dozens of his friends and men in his church saw him off and told us(many with tears) how much he's meant to them. He's touched a lot of lives.

He was so adorable at three, I thought he needed a brother. I had another daughter, she was a little hellcat. Then we found out she wasn't a brat after all, she has high functioning autism.

Bottom line - it's a crapshoot. It really IS like a box of chocolates, you don't know what you're gonna get till it's too late. Sometimes we have these fantasies about how sweet it would be...blah blah blah, but the reality could be much different.

I think it's more like a game show, do you keep what you've got, a nice comfy family life and only two tuition obligations, or do you gamble on what's behind door number two? Could be the son of your dreams - or Ozzie Osborne! Are you feelin' lucky?

    Bookmark   February 4, 2005 at 7:04PM
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Don;t get the vasectomy until you're 100% sure, which you do not sound right now. We have four in a five-year span, and they are awesome!!!! Consider a Mirena implant w/ hormones, nothing to think about or do or take, and lasts for five eyars or until you remove it if you decide to try before that!

    Bookmark   February 4, 2005 at 8:55PM
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I was "done" at two, DH wasn't so we had #3. Love her dearly, don't get me wrong. He was done at 3, so I had my tubes tied. Why me..I knew I was done, even if I got re-married, I was DONE (I suffered Hyper-emesis, and did NOT have good pregancies), but wanted to keep his options opened if he re-married. Besides just mentioning a vasctomy to him made him cringe and cross his legs, he WAS NOT going to do that to his crown jewels (why do think they're jewels, they do NOT remind me of jewels in any way, but that's another topic).

Yes we're still married, and he was done. We just knew, and until you know you're done, don't do anything permanent.


    Bookmark   February 7, 2005 at 2:17PM
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I agree, use another form of birth control until you're absolutely sure what you want to do. LIke others have said, you never know. Can you afford a third child? Maybe not, but you'll love him/her anyway. I think with multiples it's always crazier to imagine yourself in that situation - but the other person is probably just used to it; it's just something they do. When my son was 2 weeks old DH was ready for another one - and I told him I wasn't ready (obviously!). I'm still not, but we're getting there. Sometimes having more than 2 is easier when the kids are older, then they can help. But that's not always the case. ; O

    Bookmark   February 11, 2005 at 10:22PM
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:) practice birth control for at least a year before you get DH fixed-

unfortunately, the only way to know 'done' is after the fact- and it's human nature to take things at least a step too far.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2005 at 1:16PM
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The problem with getting fixed is that it is permanent. What if you lost a child or if something happened to you and DH wanted kids with a second family? I hate thinking about the worst case scenarios, but it would just make things that much worse if one happened and you/he regretted that decision.

As for more kids, in my (small) circle of friends, there is one mother of 4 who seems happy. All the mothers of 3 are overwhelmed and the mothers of 1 and 2 are coping ok. Most of those mothers of 3 were thinking, "oh one more, no prob," but it tipped the balance of the family. My on MIL talks often about how it felt to be outnumbered when she had the third child. All anecdotal, but the sentiments seem common.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 9:11PM
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I was just at the doctor this morning (#3 is due in 2 weeks) and he asked me if I'd like to have my tubes tied while they're doing the c-section, since it only takes a minute or so at that point.

I was sort of dumbfounded for a moment. I *think* I'm done at 3, but I'm not ready to commit to that decision. I'm 36, so I do still have a few years ahead of me to decide. We'll see how this baby turns out, but if I had 10 more like my first two, I'd be just fine. Sure they are energetic boys and keep me on my toes, but for the most part, they are wonderfully behaved, delightful kids that I can usually count on to do the right thing. BTW, my first 2 are boys, so I can understand you having 2 girls and wishing, just a bit, for a boy. The one I'm pregnant with now is a girl - so I'm excited, but also nervous about it!

If you're comfortable with whatever method of birth control you've been using, I say keep using it. Wait on the vasectomy, after all, your youngest is still a baby. You could decide to try again in a few years.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2005 at 11:40AM
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OK since nobody's mentioned the most convincing argument of all for NOT doing it - I guess I'll have to tell you. GRANDCHILDREN! The more kids you have the better the chances you'll have plenty of grandkids. My grandmother (who only had my dad) used to say, "If only I'd known how much fun it was to have grandchildren, I'd have had more kids."

Now that I'm a grandma I'm so thankful I had four children! Well, to be fair, it's equally nice to have all the kids grown and gone and have a nice clean house and plenty of sleep and money again too. But on the other hand, eighteen years goes by so fast it seems like the blink of an eye, and then you have many many years of spoiling your grandkids. And then their kids. My grandma spent a lot of time with one of her great granddaughters who gave her a great deal of joy in her old age.

And then too, very few mothers regret having had their last child. Just my opinion :)

    Bookmark   March 19, 2005 at 10:44AM
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I never new how many I(WE) wanted until the last one. DEFINETLY, ABSOLUTELY DONE (then had tubes tied). I thought maybe after #4, but then DH says 'are you sure' and that made me ask myself 'am I (we) really ready for something as drastic as vascectomy or tubes tied? So we let it go at that point! We loved and enjoy all our babies, 1/2 are grown now and on own. None have gone to college but are successful and responsble young ladies and gentlemen. Some are thinking college down the road.

I think you'll both know when the time to say 'enough is enough'...

Whatever your choices will be, it will be the right one...

Peace to you...

    Bookmark   March 28, 2005 at 8:44AM
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Remember that those cute little babies will turn into not so easy to get along with teenagers some day. We have two. If we would have had three I would have hanged myself by now. After 4 years of h*ll and no end in sight with a 17 year old daughter, I wish we would have stopped at 1. My 20 year old son is good as gold. Daughter has more potential than him but has no self control and is in danger of sending her life down the toilet if she doesn't snap out of it soon. I'd stop at two if I were you.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2005 at 12:31AM
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ACK! This thread is scaring me! I have one 3 year old and one on the way. I think we are *done* after this, and finacially I just can't see us having any more. Plus, we would need a bigger house if we had 3 kids. Two is a nice number I think. Having them turn into teenagers is something to think about! Yikes!

    Bookmark   August 29, 2005 at 9:52AM
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I have five kids (eldest is almost 12, youngest is almost 2) -- they are fantastic, incredible, wonderful creatures :-) We have four sons and a daughter, and our home is filled with the sounds of giggling and arguing and jumping and running and chitter-chatter. My husband and I go to bed every night thanking one another for the family we have. The first two boys (26 months apart) each arrived 11 weeks preterm (29 weeks' gestation) and required months of hospitalization in the NICU, including multiple surgeries, ambulance rides and long nights of wondering if they'd survive until morning. They finally became healthy little toddlers and I had my tubes tied, thinking there was no way I could bear to bring another baby into a terrifying scenario like that again. Time passed, and the yearning got only stronger for more children...I discovered the source of my obstetric problems (a congential gynecological defect) and underwent a grueling seven-hour surgery to repair my tubes and correct my dysfunctional anatomy. Went on to have three more scrumptious kids and now I have five healthy, gorgeous children. It's exhausting, yes. It sometimes causes a bit of financial juggling (I'm a SAHM). The volume in my house is often very high with clamors for my attention or frustrations among the siblings, but it's nothing compared to the joy of hearing them laugh uncontrollably during an afternoon of goofing off as a family.

I don't worry about the teenage years -- we've done our best to lay the groundwork to raise our kids with enormous self-respect and self-esteem. They'll make mistakes, I'm sure of it, but hopefully they'll return to their core values and continue to grow into fine adults. Until then, we have years of baking cookies, chasing the dog around the backyard, monitoring homework and tidying up mountains of Hot Wheels and multi-colored wooden blocks with these sweet, funny little kids we're so lucky to call our own.

It's all good. Create the family you want, and then pour your heart and soul into enjoying your blessings. If you already feel sad about *no more babies, ever* and the vasectomy hasn't even happened yet, you're clearly not ready to move on -- you'll know in your heart which path is right for you and your family.

Warm regards.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2005 at 4:25PM
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Wow, this thread really takes me a very difficult decision! We also had 5 children in 9 years, four precious boys and then our awesome daughter. They are now 28, 27, 24, 22, and 20. We went through absolutely ZERO really bad times with them as teens, only the occasional school thing with homework or girlfriend/boyfriend stuff, nothing major at all. Not perfect, but nothing awful in the least. They are so much fun...2 are married, the oldest and his sweet wife have 2 precious babies! Well, I hated making that decision to stop, even after was just so final, and I was 29 years old. We have been married a little over 30 years, and they love their mom and dad and we talk to all of them if not see them each and every day. I cannot imagine life without them. DH was hesitant about more after 4, but then we would not have our precious and only daughter. She and I are like peanut butter and jelly, so close...always have been. And, I am so thankful. This a decision that only you can make, but mine was made for me as I had massive hemmoraging after each and every one of them, and the doctors said that I could NOT carry another one safely. That made the decision. Yes, it is expensive to send them to college, but you can do it if you want to. And maybe we couldn't afford to fly to Disneyworld, but I wouldn't take for the 3 times we drove it with the kids in the Suburban to Florida...what a blast! And, the ski trips, trips to grandma's, etc. I have been a SAHM also, and would probably not have had that many if I couldn't have done that. To echo nearly everyone here, do NOT do anything permanent until you are totally and completely sure. You will know. I promise! Lots of communication and thought will be your guide to make this important decision together. All the best with whatever you decide! It is different for each and every family.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2005 at 12:30AM
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Vickey--did your hubby not even give a dang that you had such terrible pregnancies?

    Bookmark   December 4, 2005 at 11:41AM
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Oh my gosh, I was right where you were...With 2 daughters I wanted a 3rd as well...But now they are 13 and 10 and let me tell you from my heart it is soooo much harder when they are older. It's just that it is more complex...I am so happy with what I have. My girls keep me on my toes...To do it right we feel that being 100% parents to our 2 daughters is a full time job...I mean like having the sleepovers at your house always so that you know what they are doing...And keep a close on all their friends...YOu can never be too safe...I am so happy with our decision...hOpe this helps you

    Bookmark   January 28, 2006 at 8:26PM
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