Adult kids and Problems

momdoc111February 6, 2012

I have an adult daughter whose husband is a looser and is lazy. We lent them ALOT of money over a year ago and they havent paid back a penny. She has come to me many times during the year for money help and I have given it behind my husbands back...I feel a bit obligated at times because for 5 years she has raised my other daughters 2 girls through high school. However, I paid alot during that time to suppliment as well.

I can't express enough what a lazy looser her husband is, but a nice guy..makes it tense and hard...She works so hard herself. She has soooo many problems and is so angry she takes it out on everyone. Not to mention if you dont see things her way she gets very angry. If you say anything about her husband, she get real angry. Heck, all the furniture in their home is from us..He provides nothing..and she accepts that !?

He curses terrible at his kids...its a mess....She can critisize everyone else but can not see herself...I am sooo frustrated with this... I am just besides myself, as we live close and are very close,but I really need to have a heart to heart with her but she wont listen....When I try, she gets up and walks out... She is so lost in life. If he could live on hand outs all his life He would be a happy man...NOW..the girls work and they constantly ask them for money for gas and cigerettes and think nothing of taking the kids money...He thinks it's his money..whatever he can get and not have to work for it is super great to him...He has no pride...The girls are now 18 1/2 and 20 and she still bosses them around and grounds them...The one is in school for Phlabotomy and the other is going into the coast guard..but her own boy 15 is sooo bad and a real sneak but NEVER gets in trouble she always blames it on the girls and they get in trouble never him...then if I stick up for the girls she tells me Im babying them...If they come here to live, she will get mad at all of us...Probably because of the help they give in many ways like cleaning etc... The girls told me toonight that they paid the water bill and bought food..I am livid...It is just always her way and that is the only right way...BUT it is not....She only sees it her way no matter what or how I have tried to say something.. If it didn't involve the girls, I would just leave them alone in their misery..I just don't know what to do... and Ugh Help....

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Boy does your story sound familiar. You could be my MIL, your daughter could be my SisIL.

I don't think you're really asking for help--if you were truly interested in helping the children, you'd stop enabling the parents to abuse their children. You'd stop handing out money like Halloween treats, especially since your husband doesn't know about it (yep that's my MIL to a T). You'd open your eyes and ask yourself WHY the problems. My MIL NEVER saw the evidence of drugs that the rest of us did, she made excuses constantly for why her dd was as she was. You'd be documenting the situation--and you'd have taken the children out of this situation years ago.

Here's the thing, and you can check this out--I think it probably fits in your situation. According to family experts, parents, especially mothers, will ALWAYS defend and 'help' the most deadbeat of their children, even to the detriment of their other, responsible family members.

Just in case you're curious how this kind of situation can end up? SIL somehow coerced her parents to name her POA and executrix. Within a few months of that, my FIL--a VERY healthy man was dead under very questionable circumstances. MIL was already disabled by Alzheimer's by that time. SIL stole, and couldn't account for, over a quarter of a million $$$$ of the money left for MIL's end care--there was almost nothing left by the time we realized what was happening. SIL was also medical POA--we were limited in how much we could do about the situation (and believe me, we tried, spent $20,000 of our OWN money in legal, court, forensic accounting fees, etc over about 7 years of legal wrangling). MIL got minimal care--rarely saw a dr. the last few years of her life, they stopped giving her her meds, was being taken care of by non-caring family members who were only doing it because SIL was giving them free rent. But honestly? The whole mess could have been prevented if only my in-laws had refused to let their daughter blackmail them into doing something they KNEW at the time was wrong--they had a strong, responsible, frugal, caring son who would have been glad to be their caregiver and his wife (me) was caregiver for 2 of my older relatives, without ever taking a penny, or denying my mom and aunt what they needed for both physical and mental health as well as their comfort and happiness.

I do hope you listen to good advice--You need to make some changes. YOU need to see a lawyer. You need to understand that this woman is not ever going to repay those 'loans', nor to be someone YOU can rely on when the time comes. You need to understand the requests for $$$ WILL NOT STOP--even when you're a senior citizen on a limited income--and they may come with threats you cannot ignore.

Protect yourself legally, put the children's welfare ahead of your distaste for getting into an argument with your dd. Realize that money problems like that don't come without underlying issues (usually an addiction of some sort)--which is buttrussed by the constant anger you describe.

And the very first thing you need to? Within 10 minutes of reading this post? GO TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. He doesn't deserve to have you lying and stealing from him (and money used from your family's budget that he doesn't approve of IS stealing, no matter how you've sugar-coated it to yourself). That's the first step in sorting this out. Letting him know the extent of the problem, and then the two of you and your lawyer need to work together to help resolve as much as you can of the issues, BEFORE you find yourselves in the positions my in-laws ended up in.

Look, I kinow how harsh I sound here--but it's only because I truly hate to see another family go through the hell we did. If my voice can make you realize how bad the situation is/can get? then every word I've typed is worth it.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2012 at 8:24AM
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"...behind my husbands back..."

Totally agree with azzalea about that part. Stop that. Fess up. Get with your husband and become the unit you're supposed to be. This is YOUR life and marriage. Don't sacrifice either at the alter of the other foolishness you've described. Keep your bearings. The others may sink or swim, but don't be doing this kind of stuff.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2012 at 6:46PM
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I agree 100% that you can't have a true partnership with your husband if you're giving your daughter assistance without his knowledge. That's a betrayal.

It is also a poor example for your granddaughters. How can they be expected to say No to their parents' demands for money if Grandma does the very same thing?

Your granddaughters are becoming young adults. The best thing you can do there is support their career aspirations and help them move on to independent lives as soon as possible. Living with you is not a solution. Living in their own apartments free of mom and dad is.

If the girls are gone and you've shut off the money stream from your end, your daughter and her husband will have to resolve their own problems. It's what should have happened years ago.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2012 at 4:41AM
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