estranged 19 year old what to do

flipmyswitchJanuary 4, 2012

My son has grown up not in the perfect home but a good one he was an only child on my side youngest of three on his fathers side. His father passed away when he was 16 after a long terminal illness. Shortly before my husbands death he annouced he was gay... We got past that hurdle i accepted it and never bad mouthed homosexuality to him i simply wanted him to find a person who was respectfull of him. So long story short my son meets this teen on a messenger local site. And this teen (17) at the time had already left his own parents house to be involved with a couple in their mid 20's having sex with the husband, all the while my son was just his friend. Soon this other teen ran into problems and my son was asking me if he could move in (i also have a 2 year old) and i wasnt about to have someone elses teen in my house and figured he needed to work it out with his parents not live with us. Pretty soon this teen starts teeling my son he needs to quit school and move in with him and his family and get a job. I know all this because my son told me everything that was going on. This fam wants him to pay rent..they have also allowed another teen who is my sons new boyfriends ex boyfriend. My son has problems hasnt helped around the house in a year wont clean up after himself or shower regulary. So we had arguments of how he needed to get it tovgether help around the house get his liscense and grraduate he turned 19 today. But has been a prob for over two years. He tells me his new boyfriend reads his text yells at him when he talks to anyone else and tells him when to eat and when to drink because my son and i were close he told me all this himself and have heard about it from. Other friends mothers . Well we had talked about it he said he was ending the relationship because of all this and for the last three months him and his new boyfriend have been off and on again. Well fast foward shortly after christmas i got really fed up and told my son if your going to act 16 and your almost 19 and wont help around the house im taking your phone and you can be grounded until you get your priorities straight ... Needless to say he ran away to his boyfriend didnt speak to me for 3 days trashed me on public social sites and today is his 19th birthday i feel like ive failed he is quiting school has applied for a job and only had two course left to graduate. I spoke to the parent when he came to get his clothes and all the stuff the boys had said about her when they wanted the bf to move into my house broke down explained it was breaking my heart and please do the right thing send him home for at least a few months so he could graduate she said she would talk to the boys and her husband and havent heard anything since . She has three late teens in her house paying rent my son is the new finacial provider for their house i dont know what i am supposed to do ... Some tell me cut contact with my son for a while.. i cant open my door so when he gets tired of the abusive bf he comes back here and causes problems between the existing household i have another son to raise...and only to go back once they make up . I feel betrayed by his twisted version of how i put him down all the time.. he knows better .. what do you do with a teen when other parents harbor them and allow him to destroy his education and a bf who doesnt like me because he is super possesive ...and my son doesnt bother to have contact with me its been two weeks and i havent spoken to him in three days... Advice please..some say let him know your there for him. But honestly his dad was severly mentally abusive to me for 17 years then passed away now my son is trying to mentally abuse me and put me down... Any advice?

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tracystoke

He is an adult now,let him do what he wants,he will eventually learn from his own mistakes.There really isnt anything you can do,if he upsets you again tell him you dont want to know ,he is lashing out at you because he knows he can.he knows no matter what he does you are always going to love him .But next time just say you arnt interested.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2012 at 2:04AM
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popi_gw

At 19 a child should be running his own life, making good decisions, and breaking away from parental control.

Perhaps you should remind yourself of that when you are confronted with HIS problems.

It is too upsetting for a parent to have to manage their child's complicated problems. Those days are over.

Of course you love him, but that does not mean you have to assist him in his daily life for the rest of your life.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2012 at 8:01PM
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flipmyswitch

Thank you for the advice yesterday my moms christmas box came in i sent a text to his boyfriends phone saying you have gifts here from your grandma please arrange to pick them up ... Its too upsetting to me and the household when he just shows up when he pleases. He wrote me a five page letter about how bad i was and he wanted nothing else from my house. I gave a short reply ... Im being nice either you want the stuff or not dont treat your grandma like this and hurt her feelings over something that she has nothing to do with.. i have yet to get a reply i would assume he would want the 50 dollar card since money is an issue with him. I went through something simular with my mother as a teen only there was diff abuse there (attempted sexual abuse by her bf) and she has apologized and since has had a very nice husband for 12 years. We broke the cycle. I have in the past repeatedly apologized for yelling to much over 6 years ago but we had no abuse in our house . My late husband was very mentally abusive to me so he wittnessed that.. i am guilty in that respect and have repeatdlly apologized to him for that. His dad taught him well how to disrespect me and push my buttons. He has told people and family memebers for years how he has no goals.. i really do get what my son is going through i offered to go to counsiling with him he just wants to hate me for some reason i cant explain. I am so scared i have a 2 year old with my current husband and have changed every way i can for him to avoid the same out come. My new husband has been great to my son and even after my son complained because he didnt want my husband disciplining him i asked my husband to step down and i would handle it. Now where do i go from here no contact? Ive professed my love for him ive told him how i feel that im not perfect and only want the best for him.. it seems the only emotion he communicates is anger.. on top of that these "parents " in the home where he lives with his bf do their best to down grade me and keep him there ... They dont know me from jack... I even tried to explain to the mother where i was coming from and please close the door so he can come home and we can work on our relationship and his education .. to no avail she wants his money for rent there are three other late teens in the house who pay them to live there. My sons a finacial gain and a boy toy for her abusive son. I explained to her what my son told me about the abuse and others she didnt bat an eye .. but she was excited to talk about her dogs go figure... I know he needs to be on his own but because of his father passing my son is on a 16 year old level. Some tell me cut contact let him sink or swim others say keep the light on. I just cant take how it affects me everyday. Tell me im not alone and if i do cut the ties i have tried all i can even offering if he came back home to finish school i wouldnt bulk at him going back once he graduates and having contact with this boy while he finishes school. What is the right solution.. i cut him free i dont care in his eyes.. i dont and in his eyes im trying to control him....

    Bookmark   January 7, 2012 at 5:03PM
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